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Patience is a virtue... and having patience with yourself is hardest of all, but it pays off in dividends because you then give yourself the grace to write, make mistakes, and then make progress.



























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Wings

When I lived in the moment

Step upon step

Hand in your hand

My head in your chest

I finally opened up myself

Unveiling all that had been lost

Into your arms, I fell and fell

It didn’t matter any cost

Time and time again

Your company greeted me

With a kind loving word

Spread out my wings

My lovely baby bird

I love you

©A.Angeles, 12/07/19

The Mountain Hike.

“Hang on everybody. My laces have come undone.”  

Natalie reached down to retie her laces. She couldn’t remember when they’d come lose but they were about to take on climbing up some mountains and didn’t want to risk tripping.  

“Again? Surely you need to get some new shoes Natalie?” Oscar remarked.  

Natalie browsed up at Oscar so scold him while she tied her laces. Oscar was the youngest one of the group, yet his face added 10 years to his group. He had always looked older than everybody else but even more dramatically so at this point. His face looked wrinkled and even his recent attempt to adopt a skin care routine was proving to be pointless. He wore an expression which told everybody that he’d seen too much in his short time alive. After all, Oscar was only 19 but yet looked to pass for being in his 30’s.

“I’d love to be able to pay for and buy new shoes but you forget I can’t get any more hours at the restaurant.”

Money was never a problem for Oscar and his family. Both his parents worked as attorneys and made the conscious decision to live well below their means but when it came to Oscar. There was nothing that they wouldn’t pay for. He was spoilt in a lot of ways and came across as something of a preppy guy. HIs hair was styled short and his thick rimmed glasses gave off the vibe that he read far too many books.  

“Are they cutting your hours again?”

“They never cut my hours as there aren’t any to cut. I work on a zero hour contract remember?” she asked as she started to retie her laces on her other foot.  

“Are you still at that place?” Seb commented.  

Sebastian, or Seb for short, was the oldest member of their group. The group had met Seb under odd conditions. The group liked to go out to hike occasionally but on one occasion. They’d decided they needed a few extra supplies. Although they were nowhere near to the town center. They were near a shop that sold all the bits that they would need. The 6 of them decided to head into the store to ask the sales assistant which bits they would need. Sebastien had recommended everything before asking if he could join them. He’d told them that the store was shutting down and that he’d been made redundant so needed something to do with his time. Natalie had no complaints with inviting him along and the rest of the group agreed and it had been since that point that Seb had been a apart of the group. Given that Seb was older. He carried around an air of confidence with him. He had lengthy brown hair which he tied up in his ponytail and his beard must be close to be several years old at this point. He was stocky and well-built and provided the group with safety, should they ever need to rely on it.  

“Sadly so,” Natalie replied before standing up. “They contracted me to a zero-hour contract which worked well back then because I was at college and it just suited me to be able to work the hours that I wanted to work. Yet now it’s more of a hindrance.”

“How so?” Seb asked in a deep tone as they proceeded to walking.

“I’m hoping at some point to be able to apply for a mortgage. Now that I’m done with university. I don’t want to be having to rent for the rest of my life.”

“I get that. I’d offer you somewhere where I work, but as you know.” he let his voice trail off.

The group carried on walking down a steep path for a good while. Trees accompanied the path the entire way there. It was a breath-taking sight for most. Winter was beginning to arrive and although the trees had lost their lives. The coolness of the air was evident on the branches. Occasionally, Natalie glanced over to the trees and noticed the icy branches. Winter was the favorite season for Natalie but it also came with the harshest memories. It had been two years ago when she’d been dating Marcus that she’d miscarried. Everything had seemed perfect up to that point in her memory. Marcus was the perfect boyfriend in every way imaginable. They hadn’t been trying for a baby and she found herself worried about what to say to him or the way in which he was going to react. She explained him to freak out but it was the entire opposite. He remained calm and allowed her to cry into his shoulder that night. She was full of joy at the idea of having her own child. Even at such a young age. She didn’t expect that for one second the relationship would turn sour. She’d discovered that Marcus had been cheating on her the whole time. He’d kept it as quiet as possible. In fact, when she thought back to it. She couldn’t remember there being any moments whereby it seemed that Marcus had been cheating. He’d left at the same time to get to class and then come home immediately after university. The affair must have been happening during lunch breaks when he was coming home to see her afterwards. The thought made her feel repulsed.  

“Don’t worry about it. It should be more offering for you to come and work at the restaurant.” she quipped.  

Seb returned the laughter and the two walked side by side. Natalie was attracted to Seb. There was no doubt about that but Seb wasn’t looking. He was at a stage in his life where he didn’t need that. He jobless and was soon to be homeless. He carried the leadership of the group on his shoulders. Yet he also had his own worries. If he didn’t find paid work soon then he was going to be homeless for Christmas.  

Writing a story using nothing but whatever my auto suggest gives me. First sentence: this intense pain is…

This intense pain is the result that you dont know if I am golden or something like this, but I’m still a learner and a little bit more than a few years old, but I’m pretty sure that it doesnt have to the bathroom so I could have them in a few weeks before I get a chance at work at a right for the love of the show and the fam my friends will come to a doctor to see you soon.

In conclusion: what does this mean and what can I make of this?

Edit:

This intense pain is the result of you not appreciating me, I am golden, or however they call it nowadays. I’m still a learner in the ways of love, yet I am older than you’ll ever be.

I’m pretty sure it didn’t have to happen in the bathroom, and yet it did. I could have the results done in a few weeks before I get the chance to return to work. But for the love of my show, my friends and my family, I will gladly go in person to see a doctor.

Question: What story can I make of this?

Answer:

An older woman in show business, scorned by her first love, finds herself in a tough situation realizing she could be pregnant. Knowing it could very well cost her everything, she decides to visit her doctor and awaits her result.

Try it! What can you come up with?

It seems there is an interwoven connection between you and my heart. It is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. Much like the feeling of being outside in a thunderstorm; knowing it would be safer sheltered inside, but being unable to tear yourself away, as being amidst the beautiful chaos is far too awe-inspiring to move.

Some say those who chase storms are reckless and wild, I think that’s how it is exploring new connections. You feel the fear, you know the pain of the lightning strike, but its just so beautiful that you must chase it.

The lightning strikes, at first just a flicker, but enough to jump-start your heart and take your breath away.

Before you know it, there is thunder in your chest, and electricity through your body, but like a storm chaser an eternal calm and a craving to experience more.

—  Rain Storms // 07.12.2019

Remembering me

In a whirlwind of emotions the world never stops moving. My world may have paused for a moment but one day something just clicks. I realise that I don’t need someone to make me feel important, wanted, or needed.


I had to take a moment to remember a time before I knew what love was, before heartbreak. How I used to be. I used to be so charismatic and charming, I smiled all of the time. I would give you a look with just my eyes that would tell you everything you needed to know. I would tease you with a smirk and a swish of hips as I bounced away with the freedom of me. I loved me, all of me. I was at my happiest just shy of 16 and I was so confident and full of life.


Like a double edged sword I would welcome people into my life with trust and love but I could also cut you from my life with as much sting with my words and a stern glare.


I was sharp and witty, always so clever with my answers. I was smart and challenged the system in which I felt cheated. I had so much passion and ambitions to strive for. The future was in my grasp.


One fateful afternoon my world turned upside down, I lost everything in a matter of days. ‘May never walk again’ 'lifelong condition’ 'disabled’ 'so strong’ I hated it all. I hated myself I hated my body for betraying me just like everything else in my life. I was always cold, disconnected and unaffected by the harshness of the world because I was made that way, I was built for survival. Never accured to me that it would take me longer to learn to accept this new version of me.


Then I met a boy who plucked me from my self destruction and broke all of my walls down brick by brick. For one who never cried, I found myself highly emotional, only he got to see the vulnerability underneath the surface. He loved me, a stranger of who he only knew from the classroom who was happy. I couldn’t understand why he would willingly want a broken me when it was the whole me he really wanted. I did not love him. I was still independent and stubborn dispite my unfortunate events.


He was there when I was alone, he saved me, encouraged me to get back on my feet and so I did. I learned how to let someone in and depend on them in my time of need. It wasn’t long before I fell in love with him and meant the words 'I love you’. I said them before for months but I never meant it, until I did. Dependency is a dangerous game, instead of co-dependancy, I lost my independence and relied on him for everything for years, I forgot how to be on my own and to be my own person as I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend for him as I felt guilty that we couldn’t do normal relationship things.


I slowly got stronger and more confident in my abilities thankfully through my time at college. But I was held back by the foundations on which my first love and I built on, I didn’t allow myself to fully explore that independence, I continued to take advantage of his help, his car, and his time. He would belittle me, call me a child and distant himself from me. The one who fell in love first, fell out of love first, whereas I loved him so much I was blinded by my own need I forgot that he had needs too and didn’t see the signs of the incoming doom. Heartbreak was imminent.


I was terrified of being alone I couldn’t picture my life without him. I needed him so much I felt sick to my stomach. I was afraid of the future, of the unknown. I faught so hard to win him back and I did using our history and sex. I finally won and got what I wanted, but before too long we were engaged. Suddenly it was like an ice bucket of water shot down over my entire body and I realized this is not right. I learned a hard lesson that love is not everything, you can still care and love that person but be strong enough to let them go because you deserve better. We both did. I read somewhere that truly resonates us, 'he was a hurricane and she was a tornado, they just didn’t mix like the light wind and soft drizzle like they used too’


And now I’m in this strange limbo where I’m figuring myself out, what I want, my ambition, my independence. I hate being single but I need to be to rediscover this new chapter of my life and who I am now. I now realised that I need to love myself and be happy with myself and find a life partner who adds to my happiness not make me happy. I have grown up alot since my 16 year old self, but now at 21 I need to install a little bit of her alongside the other parts of me to become this strong, well rounded woman that I can be today.

Necessity

I’ve been lonely all along

And yet I never had a longing to belong

Although now it’s a little different

Because now, I feel the need to be affiliated

I’m fine with this world, but my heart aches to be in a new one

One absent of everyone but you

It took a few words to shoot my mind from a sling,

Set my heart in motion and enlighten my everything

I feel life in your atmosphere

Relentless of the earthly pressures, there’s serenity when you’re here

You draw my boat to the shore when these storms arise

Nothing is perfect, but for me you’re close

I would shun the world to be what lives beneath your sight

Goddess of an unknown universe

I desire to live in your world