So the front desk manager is super young, and sometimes it shows. At first I was like, wow that’s great she is so young and in such a high position, but now I’m thinking her age is a detriment. There is really no substitute for time in learning how to deal with and manage people. I know that makes me sound super old, and I definitely didn’t have that opinion when I was younger, but you just see things different as you age.
9:24 am Corey reciprocated my live blog with his live blog from Sunday and this morning. I felt a lot of feelings when I read the one from Sunday. He was really tired and it made me feel bad because he did so much for me for my birthday, why guilt feelings not sure. Then read about thought he had about not wanting to marry me because he’d rather be with a person, no, a man of color or transgender person. That made me really sad and confused and angry that I yelled Fck that shit was cursing like I was an adolescent with limited vocabulary I got really mad I felt like this was bullshit I felt really confused because I thought back to all the times, he asked me if I still wanted to marry him and I said yes. I can’t say with confidence I was pressuring him to do anything. Still really confused and don’t feel good because im not 100% sure where that thought came from or why or what caused it. Made me realized how fragile this whole thing is and it can disappear at any moment and I would need to continue living if that happened and keep being a person. Yea that can happen. Could happen tomorrow could happen anyway. Maybe ill realize I don’t want to get married and run away. Maybe ill go to Tokyo and never come back to the US. I could do that pretty easily. Lmao look at me, throwing out un rational threats just because im upset. Good job.
9:50 am Yea but then I read the one from this morning and it made me feel better somewhat that he said he loved me and he was thinking about me. I don’t really want to have this conversation right now because I know hes too busy for it and not that im as busy but my mind is too preoccupied and I haven’t let it stew long enough. See I can be upset about something when it happens but then by the end of the day I don’t care anymore and its irrelevant. Maybe ill rationalize this whole thing by the end of the day. I Cant even think about what else happened this morning. FUNNY THING THO I had a dream I was dating an Indian girl and her mom kept smiling at me and was being really happy about it and showing me how to do cultural Indian things. Guys I knew from old job who worked in the warehouse were there and they filmed us and were putting it all over social like it was a crime saying mean things. This was just because I was listening to podcast on my way home last night. The women wasn’t Indian she was brown but had a British accent. A lot of people I think get confused about what dreams actually are. They are just a concoction of your experienced and you sub -c . Most of the time, but not always, they aren’t premonitions, or warnings or signs, they actually could be signs because you are getting to see the part of your mind that you cant normally see when it is guarded when you are awake and moving. Dreams are based on things that are already there.
10:05 am Need to go get Coffee for second cup, hope its not all gone yet. And pee, I was so happy though this morning my urine didn’t smell, I think the infection had subsided I should really do some work now after I get this second cup. Does any wonder why I have been furiously typing since I got here. LOL tom knows. Sal isn’t listening she is bored with her customers. John isn’t listening he is trying to get us good images because other company didn’t like the one we used in our banner for social. it was legit a crop of a wheelchair with tennis balls in the spokes advertising handicap event. the worst; how could I have suggested that. I was pretty aware that it wasn’t ok and that it should have been more athlete focused but I let them put it up on website and I figured if no one is saying it looks wrong then maybe it doesn’t look as bad as I thought. Ill be back going to go pee and get more coffee..
10:15am Yes got last of the pot as usual, just in time. Time for fire. Kelly texted me want to meet her for sushi this week. I was thinking about how if I put this all on tumblr I would need to edit all names.. sensitive about the company’s privacy. I got weird balls of discharge that come out when I poop, not painful so I don’t think it is a problem. Maybe just my hole trying to protect itself when stuff is being excreted. It gets confused and thinks something is going to be put into it so it just lubricates itself automatically. LOILLL. Kind of like how I remember learning in some collage psych class women will automatically become lubed if they even hear sounds of sex somewhere because that is evolutionary, even if its monkeys it is preparing to get raped. When corey and I went to the prospect park zoo we saw these little muskrat things all gang banging the lead female. Don’t remember feeling wet, but maybe I was just not paying attention. Will try to notice that next time. Next doctor appt I go see needs to be either derm or ortho for my shin, pain on right side. Sad about letting it prevent me from running, haven’t ran in months and will probably be really hard when I start up again.
10:24 am phone is dying and I don’t have charger except car charger. Will ask Katherine if I can use hers. Things I should do today so I can focus on going back to work. Wow this thing is really taking hold now its addictive.
Prepare for meeting tomorrow important to know what questions you have so you don’t forget when you are in the meeting and forget and cant thing because your nervous/ Organize jpg images of polo and jacket because desktop is a mess.
Try to go back to the subject of staff id cards hospitality passes, designs for because you know branding will need extra staff to work fargo printer onsite because you will be too busy packing everyone’s uniform sizes in the backpack. This is what it feels like to be in a relationship where you know all the feelings all the time of the other person, is that okay or is it too much? Don’t know yet. Remember saying we don’t have to know every single thing and thought from each other. How does it change relation to other person.
12:01 pm Ate lunch at desk and am now chewing gum. Having right shin pain. Still feel bad about the stuff I read this morning and want to talk about it but I know I have to wait until appropriate time or whatever. Using word whatever makes me feel like I am on a Harvard sailing team video.
Thinking about going for walk soon. Sal has been pretty quiet today. Never asked to borrow phone charger and battery is on13 % . Kind of want it to die. Debating whether I should go eat sushi with Kelly after work. Might be fun . should make decision before phone dies. I debated making appt for waxing before weekend for wedding, but I don’t think I will I would have to go either after work tomorrow or after work Friday and I could go to the location that is by coreys house. Ill do it the following weekend since it may be quieter. Grandmas 80thbirthday party got cancelled because her swallowing muscles are paralyzed, scary way to go. Didn’t realize how many thoughts I had in a day’s time. So many. I am coming down from caffeine. writing is seeming less interesting maybe because Ive written as much as I could today. How long can someone keep this up for, you go crazy just following yourself and tracking your thoughts everyday all the time. Really don’t like having sad feelings about love and I want to make it better but not in my control right now. Going for a walk. Have on the jacket we are going to use because I get cold and did not bring sweater with me. It won’ t be cold outside so I will take off jacket. I forgot to bring with me my dental bill to put in mail.
12:18 pm Didn’t get up yet that’s okay, want to plan more things to do beside prepare meeting for tomorrow. Feel like spent a lot of time today on this thing. Lower back is on fire from yesterdays workout More daydreaming as I look at VP operaiton’s empty office , about how he must of felt leaving all these responsibilities behind. Probably won’t quit as soon as I thought, am really going to try and give it all I got. This is mood for today, but it changes so frequently I don’t know if the feeling is real or not or if its true. I am going to post first entry from last week on tumblr see what hashtags are most looked for. How to get your posts appear a lot on tumblr what its algorithms or something . But if I have dinner with Kelly I might now want to do that when I get home late. But it might be good distraction me in evening, I don’t know how I will feel in evening. Honestly I don’t really want to go. I think I know now how I am going to handle my dilemma.
12:28pm When I was an adolescent and wanted to date another girl , I told my mom the truth and she got really mad. I think knew what the truth of what I was doing and feeling would always make her disappointed and mad at me so I lied to her all the time. I told her I wouldn’t see her anymore, lied about where I was all the time when I wanted to go hang out with her. I was lying because I knew how the truth made her react. Once I went to college the first year, she went into the coast guard but would come back to town1 sometimes. Once I took a bus from new York to NJ and walked down route to get to south river because ubers didn’t exist and no one could know what I was doing. Once I got there about a few hours in, this other girl that she used to date but was still friends with and lived still close , came to her house. This girl (fighting girl) and I never got along and she once came to my house when we were still in high school and tried to fight me in the street. We ended up going to court and I got a restraining order filed. She still would text me and stuff saying to watch my back and she was gonna kill me, and I would respond back “lol” Anyway she was pissed because I saw ex gf before she did and I was still always trying to keep them apart . I would be like im not gonna see you anymore if you are still friends with her how could you she tried to fight me. I didn’t realize no matter what I did they would always be friends. There was this other girl -girl2 - who was three years younger than all of us and she got involved when she started dating fighting girl when I was dating ex gf. I played softball with her and we were the best ones on the team. Eventually she didn’t work out with fighting girl and me and ex gf were always breaking up so sometimes me and girl2 would fool around, then sometimes girl2 and ex gf would fool around. Im really surprised the four of us didn’t ever end up just having an orgy. I think because we were all so jealous of each other we all just would started crying and fighting. I also was not attracted to fighting girl and I hated her and blamed her for ruining my relationship with ex gf
12:44 pm to get back to my point of telling this story, I learned from this that when you know the truth makes people upset, you are more prone to lying. I don’t want this to happen again, not the part about being in some twisted les love triangle, (but no, that probably would not be in my best interest) but about I don’t want people lying to me about how they really feel just because it makes me upset. I forgot what my solution was when I said, “I think I know now how I am going to handle my dilemma.” I think it was something about asking a neutral question not crying, but also not making it seemed like it was a statement that merely “peeked my interest” or some shit. No I should address how it made me feel. Its like recounting that whole time of my life totally erased any other conscious thoughts I had.
12:50pm Fed ex just arrived with a big box , John signed for it but he went back to his work, I want to know if its for me, maybe it for him and he just knows it for him. I always get anxious when big boxes come that they are the samples that will save us and I will miss them. Hey is it time for a walk yet.
3:11 pm Email: “Hi all, We had feedback from the brand team that they would prefer a picture where the athlete is in focus, not the wheelchair. Could we choose an alternative?Many thanks, Nate” I still think this is really funny i did this. So much has happened since the FedEx box came at 12:50 pm. I went for a walk but did not go out all the way to the road to avoid passing yoshi. he is an old russian man who earlier in the year messaged me on skype business. He asked if i ever had black current tea and i said no. He messaged me asking if i would like to try it. I never responded. I just did two laps around the building. Some one started complaining there was a dead animal smell on the first floor. upon further discovery by office manager ronald the two office spaces on the first floor had bathrooms that got backed up and flooded. now no one is allowed to use the water which is worry some because i am on my third cup of coffee and can feel the dehydration headache kicking in. I can always go to the conference room fridge and take the precious bottled water from there, specially reserved for our guests, as stated in one Monday morning staff meeting. Id feel anxious doing that. Sun is coming out it has been cloudy all day. Mom offered to pay for a manicure pedicure for the wedding. Maybe ill make just pedicure for thursday evening because i haven’t had one in a really long time and i could use one. I wanted to wait until athletes foot cleared up after 4-5 months of using prescription anti-fungal. started to make skin peel off, was not recommended to use more than 4 weeks. If fungus did not clear up go see derm or podiatrist . If i went to derm I could address eczema and athletes foot in one shot, but i was afraid of wasting time and them telling me i had to go to a podiatrist. I decided already need to find ortho is priority over derm. what if whatever is happening to my shin gets so bad it prevents me from doing any type of exercise.
3:28 pm. Realized all these medical things that have come up in last year or so, despite my efforts of regular exercise healthy diet and stretching . Stopping birth control totally ruined my face complexion and now have out of control acne. I wont go back on it now though because I have been taking it for years and i dont want it to ruin my reproductive system. Got to talk on the phone with corey to clear up sketch declarations that weren’t true to how he feels. we’re in love , we didnt yell, but i cried, really tried not too, hes now texting me about italy and im thinking about the high school trip to Europe and how funny that whole trip was. I remember i didnt drink the whole time because i wanted to win a bet i had with ex gf that i wouldn’t because she was a straight edge because her parents were drunks. I did it with ease, dont think i won anything out of it.
3:43 pm really hungry because i haven’t been bringing enough food with me to work. haven’t went food shopping in like three weeks. Been relying on moms good will of buying me bananas .Hope the water im drink for the tower filter isnt contaminated with feces. Still need to make sure i have all questions for tomorrow. this whole thing really distracted me today.
4:39 pm. I think i am pretty ready for meeting tomorrow it started thundering. hunger accelerated. Buildings plumbing is fricked. im really tired from doing this. never texted kelly about sushi and still dont if i want to get pedicure need to remember tomorrow after work to pack and wash/ blow dry hair. now its raining. just want to go home and eat thought this could fill rest of time at work but no more ideas are coming up from today. There are 7 points on my right ear that are pierced. want to leave at five but know thats not right. tired from crying. ex gf came up a lot today ,feels heavy and crusty and almost like that whole time never existed maybe it only exists in my memory not in real time, so i does not really exist. dont want to start thinking about time and space that gets to be too much. maybe ill go get snack at quick check before driving home. anyone knows how long this pouring will last? seemed to rain a lot this summer or is it just me? just asked this question out loud. I really have an issue with being hungry it seems like if im will to go out of my way to get snacks before drive home.
4:53pm : there is a hashtag tweet for “nurdles"
5:03 pm: still pouring, was looking through email history i have with Chinese man in charge of sportswear vendor , he is so funny and strange. power might go out, it goes out a lot when its windy and raining . i also like trolling the tweets people hashtag for cosport they get so angry. one though came to mind i wonder if there was ever worry about disgruntled fans tracking our company down on site during games and hurting us. i need to go the bathroom but afraid about the plumbing / smell if everyone has been using same bathroom
5:15pm second stall toilet never flushes so i never go in that one always go in the first one. One time i pooped in that second stall forgetting it does not flush. I got so nervous i transferred my poop out of the toilet into the toilet in the other stall and flushed it. First time i handled my own feces with nothing between my hands and the poop than wet pieces of toilet paper which as one maybe know does not serve as much of a barrier (re: wet toilet paper) triceps are really sore. I texted corey a picture of google maps showing distance between lebanon and italy. I called it our "roots ” Excited about getting pre commute home snack at quick check. Wont be as good as wawa though, they probably dont individually wrapped pickles or hard boiled eggs. Also need to get gas maybe i will do that to because i have vauge memory of there being a gas station around this area. i hope i can paste this all into tumblr when i get home . maybe i wont yet because i need to take out a lot of names. Feel bad about doubting coreys love for me. how could i.
8:08pm disclosure quick check had hard boiled eggs , individual pickles,