I do believe in the freedom of my body, but more in the feeling of my soul. There is something that is very personal about the thoughts you allow to flow through your brain, your heart - your core.
The honoring of the difference, that I recognize, is what people forget to give credit to. It’s hard to dance when you’re blind. Even if you find your rhythm. Eventually, if you lose your ears too - your hands will grip the sky for the feel of the sun on your skin.
It wasn’t one click. One idea that made me feel like the things that are meant to be will be, regardless of how many pills I end up shoving in my face, or how many needles end up in my veins.
The choice is the issue. I didn’t choose to have these diseases. I didn’t choose to feel this way every day. I didn’t choose this sadness, loneliness, this emptiness. But it’s mine regardless. So if it is, I feel it’s only fair that I get to be in charge of at least that. Why can’t I be the steward of the world the universe has decided to hand me?
I should be able to treat any and every condition I develop the way I wish, to the degree I wish. Whether that be with prescription medicine, new therapies or lack of medicine - it should be what I choose.
That is where I stand.
It should be treated the way I want to treat it, at my discretion - with my ability to say enough.
Heavens fall just by walking away, some people have that power. Some people have that way. I don’t want that power, it is too immense - too full of responsibility. I am brave, and tough and kick ass - but I am also emotional and way too full of realization that there is no more time to waste.
I know right now, I want to live. No matter how sad that existence may feel to me right now. It is an existence - I am loved, I am cherished.
That doesn’t make me any less lost, or scared, or dark.
But it does make me needed. And at least, I am that.