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Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

Kunisada / Toyokuni III Tattoos from a century and half ago: nothing new under the sun Rooster: Actor Kawarazaki Gonjûrô I as Danshichi, from the 1860 series A Collection of Popular Birds in Accordance with Your Wishes

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I’m honestly almost too tall for this damn mirror.


First session on this cover-up and someone sat like a champion!
I’m so thankful to work on people with such strength and focus. Makes what we do a lot easier!
Stay saucy, sarsaparillas!

#tattoo #tattoos #coverup #coveruptattoo #yeg #yegtattoo #edmontontattoo #bison #buffalo #snowflake (at Ink Machine Tattoo)

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I have come to realise that when I go and tell my friends why I’m mad at them, it’s not me strengthening the relationship. It’s me making one last plea, to not leave me.

#237 Escapology 101

Superheroes often find themselves in situations they’d much rather not be in: Hanging upside down over a vat of acid and radioactive sharks; being hounded by adoring fans (this one isn’t relevant to you, but it is for other, better heroes); listening to a lecture on the Paleozoic era from Professor Paleontologist. Situations that you’re going to want to make hasty yet graceful exits from. Which means you need a lesson in escapology.

As we all know, the best defense is a strong offense, so the best way to escape any situation is not to get caught in it in the first place. Idiot. Do you know how much of my time I spend not dangling over a vat of acid sharks or dealing with adoring- wait. Whatever, it’s almost all of my time. Not getting stuck in dicey situations is so easy I basically do it in my sleep. In fact, I do it in my sleep! I wake up almost every morning not in a precarious or dangerous or undesirable situation. Only once did I wake up tied up in the back of what has come to be known as The Sentient Murder Van, but that was a fluke and I try not to make a regular habit of it!

If, like a loser, somehow, like a loser, you’ve, like a loser, gotten yourself into a sticky situation the first thing you need to do is take stock of your surroundings. An expert escapologist knows that the world is just a jumble of oddly shaped keys. Glass table shaped like a warthog? That’s a key. An entire ham? That’s a key. Framed oil painting of an elderly turtle? That’s two keys. Frame and painting baby! Frame. And. Painting. (Escapologist tip: A skilled artist can take a canvas and, using the paints they no doubt keep in their utility belt, can create an image so realistic they can use it to get out of anywhere. Paint yourself still in bonds so the bad guys don’t look for you while you escape their lair. Paint yourself getting sick so the guards rush in to make sure you don’t die and then, when they realize they are looking at a painting, kick them in the head and steal their keys. The possibilities are endless!) So take a gander at the keys around you. If you’re a real pro you’ll already have plenty of escapology accoutrements in your utility belt or on your person: Lock picks, laser pointers (that shoot real lasers, don’t use these during your PowerPoint presentations!), a variety of animal whistles that can summon helpful beasts to pick locks or shoot lasers for you. If you’re versatile and forward thinking enough, you’ll find that you can pick your way out of any jam. (There’s a sweet spot between forward thinking enough to not get captured in the first place and being so bad at forward thinking that you left your lock pick set on your kitchen counter and that’s where you’re going to want to be operating.) 

Your costume will often times be the greatest key in your arsenal. There are lots of ways to build a keen ability to escape anything right into your everyday dress. For starters, as our follower @agasar1412 pointed out on one of our posts last year, gauntlet spikes are a godsend. Not only can they be used to cut bindings that have been placed around your wrist, but in a pinch they can be used to pick some locks as well. Once your wrists are free you’ll find that freeing the rest of you is a piece of cake (escapologist tip: three out of every five cakes contains within it a nail file that you can use to break out of most prisons on the continental United States). Another way to ensure that your wrists are always one fancy trick away from being free is to wear very bulky gauntlets. Supervillains, because they are dumb, will often just slap any wrist restraints on to a hero over their gauntlets, meaning all you need to do to break free is to just, y’know, remove your big gloves. That’s it! Plus there’s always the time-tested trick of wearing butter-bracelets. These are, of course, bracelets with buttered up insides that make your wrists very slippery, allowing you to slip off nearly any kind of cuff bad guys can throw at you. Then, with your hands free, you can undo or dismantle any other restraints on you. 

If you find yourself tied up and hanging from your feet over something nasty like many jagged rocks or a mosasaurus or a big target that says “losers land here” written on it and you would like to exit that situation before you are dropped no problem! All you need to do is cut any ropes around your arms using your gauntlet blades or wrist mounted laser pointer and then, using those sick stomach muscles you’ve built up from doing millions of crunches and sit-ups every day, swing yourself, like a pendulum away from the danger zone. Then, once you’re swinging precariously through the air, use your laser pointer or blades to cut the ropes around your feet and whatever is keeping you suspended. Odds are pretty good that you’ll land somewhere safe, just tuck and roll to make sure you don’t hurt yourself on the fall. (Escapologist tip: Always keep the remnants of whatever binding or traps you find yourself destroying during your daring escapes, these things can be used as keys for future escapes!)  

Even your very own human flesh body can be used as a key! (Escapologist tip: tattoo a map of any building you need to escape directly onto your body! This way, if you get lost while you escape, all you need to do is get undressed and find a mirror!) Being able to pop your shoulders out of their sockets or otherwise lightly maim or disfigure yourself are invaluable skills to have if you want to be a master escape artist. Most villains assume that heroes are not going to horribly injure themselves just to get out of listening to a monologue. Those villains are obviously very stupid. Of course you’d rather break your thumbs to avoid having to listen to another story about why this villain just has to merge all of the world’s mountain lions together into one giant mountain lion because as a child they were bullied by a girl who had a mountain lion sticker on her shirt. You’ve heard that story like a dozen times already from eight different supervillains. Yeah, this little girl got around folks. Being bullied by this small child is the 59th most common reason for becoming a supervillain. (Number 15 is being thrown a surprise party they didn’t want but number 68 will really blow you away!) So start practicing dislocating any joint you can. Even if it won’t get you out of your shackles or cell, this trick can get you out of parties or social gatherings that you do not want to be at! (Escapologist tip: Even your teeth can be used as keys under the proper circumstances! Teeth are the hardest part of the human body, so next time you find yourself trapped in an abandoned nuclear power plant filled with evil henchmen and without any of your weapons, rip your teeth straight out of your gums, tie them around your knuckles with your shoe laces and viola! Homemade brass knuckles! Sort of! {don’t worry about not having teeth, they’ll grow back as long as you’re a baby.})

Superpowers are, of course, the best keys you can ask for. Depending on your powerset, and your skill level, you can use them to escape from any number of restraints, manacles and door- and windowless rooms. So if you ever find yourself trapped with other superhumans, you all need to be upfront about all of your abilities. Even your most embarrassing superpower can be crucial to escaping captivity. Use your glitter projection to blind guards, your ability to grow exactly one inch taller or shorter to escape from straight jackets or other tight restraints, your ability to talk to worms to set off motion sensors to distract your guards. (Escapologist tip: worms are always a useful backup plan for any escape. You see, they eat dirt, which means they’re always in the middle of some sort of daring Shawshank-esque prison-break. Keep a few in your pocket and drop them on the floor when you find yourself thrown in a cell. If you can’t find a way out, you can take solace in the fact that eventually your wormy pals will dig you a way out.) The possibilities are endless when you learn to think like an escapologist. 

Life is just full of situations we’d rather not be in and that goes even more so for superheroes who have plenty of people who would love nothing more than to capture them. Just remember that the world is your toolkit and your lock pick and you’ll be fine! In fact, as a good prep exercise, take a look at everything around you. How can you use the items you use in your every day life to escape fiendish traps?