Posts on Twitter:

Posts on Tumblr:

  • Eddie: Why didn't you say your wife Mary died?
  • James: It didn't come up-
  • Eddie: Hello, we're not talking about switching to decaf!
  • James: Eddie!-
  • Eddie: I have a bottle of scotch you could drown your sorrows in...
  • Character A: Why didn’t you say you and [Character C] broke up?
  • Character B: It didn’t come up-
  • Character A: Hello, we’re not talking about switching to decaf!
  • Character B: [Character A]!-
  • Character A: I have a bottle of scotch you could drown your sorrows in...~
  • (submitted by anonymous)

Race: (discussing Denton’s newborn baby) He’s so gorgeous.
Denton: Thank you.
Spot: If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive.

Race: (answering cell) Race.
Spot: Isn’t this spooky?
Race: Isn’t what spooky?
Spot: That right now you were thinking about me, and out of the blue your phone rings? And it’s me. Huh? How’s that for a spiritual connection?
Race: Umm… Do I know you?
Spot: Why do you hurt me?

Dick: I don’t know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think I do.
Wally: I never said that. When have I ever said that?
Dick: Every day since I met you.
Artemis: This morning at breakfast.
Roy: Yesterday when he beat you at cards.

Race: Ever feel like there’s something obvious right in front of you, you just can’t see it?
Jack: Yeah, usually right before someone dumps me.

  • Matty: See this? This is my "I don't care" face.
  • Bozer: That's your normal face.
  • [after Shawn has spoken far too long about why the perp committed the crime]
  • Juliet: You have the right to remain silent.
  • Carlton: Please feel free to exercise that right.
  • Tegan, talking about struggles in their career: That yielded me diddly squat. So I regrouped, I looked at some pictures of baby pandas, and I went back in.

Barbara: okay. Youre in speaker phone, so behave

Dick: or what? Youll spank me? ~






Y/N: You’re on speaker. Behave.

Natasha, over the phone: Or what? You’ll spank me?


  • Raph: Okay, you're on speaker phone, so behave yourself.
  • Casey: Or what? You'll spank me?
  • Raph: ...
  • April: ...
  • Everyone: ...
  • Luca: Contrary to popular belief, decapitation is not that easy.
  • Klein: You don’t often hear ‘popular’ and ‘decapitation’ in the same sentence.
  • Mac: Yeah, I'm fine, Dad.
  • Jack: Don't ever call me Dad again.
  • Mac: [to Riley] How do you think he'd feel about Mom?
  • Riley: Let me know when you're going to do that so I can run.

Bruce: (to Dick as he is about to take a bite of his sandwich) You ready to do a little work?
Dick: (puts sandwich down) Why not? I haven’t slept all week. I might as well give up eating too.

Race: OK, you know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asks McCoy to do something totally impossible, and McCoy says, “Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a miracle worker?”
Jack: Hey, what are you telling me, not to expect a miracle?
Race: No, I’m saying I’m not a doctor.

Spot: I thought I was calling the Office of Supreme Genius.
Race: Well, gorgeous, you’ve been rerouted to the Office of Too Friggin’ Bad.

Spot: ( Discussing baby names ) Let’s call him … Sergio.

Race: Please tell me you’re kidding.

Albert: All right. I’m an insomniac who listens to Metallica to go to sleep at night. What song could possibly speak to me?
Race: “Enter Sandman”?  

  • Wilfre: Hey girl, you're on speaker. Behave.
  • Circi: Or what, you'll spank me?