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Ye le phir... 10 rupaye ke pepsi hritik bhai

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I am feeling quite lost recently. I have struggled with mental and physical illness for a lot of my life, about 15 years. Now I’m in a stage of ashes I think if you were to compare it to a Phoenix. The stirrings of rebirth but not quite fully formed.

I broke up with my boyfriend of four years. At the time, I wasn’t really interested in trying to make things work anymore. I was fried. I was giving love to someone who didn’t seem to respect my body or my mind, nor respect their own intelligence. I wasn’t being touched the way I needed on a consistent basis. We just weren’t matching op on more and more levels every day.

He kept trying to ask me how to change. At the moment I was eager to tell him. Yet it felt like I was changing who he was. He wasn’t finding it on his own, and it crushed me. Yet I felt hollow. Like a shell of the person he loved. So how is it fair to tell someone you love how to act, if you are then hollow yourself.

I broke up with him and stayed in the bed while he stayed on the couch. I offered him his pair of pillows. I offered to switch with him so I would be on the couch. Now we are friends and I feel strange. Unloved and cold.

4 years of living and being with someone and you develop fondness, routine, and love. So what happens when that’s not enough; that you have become so codependent on another’s drive to do something that you neglect your own responsibilities out of combination of low self esteem, mental illness, and unhealthy relationship expectations. What do you do? We tried therapy and it resulted in our second break up.

Each time I am not being satisfied I think of other men. I was doing that while we were… doing it. How is that right? Only 4 years in and I’m already thinking this. I stopped having sex with him. It was like nothing had changed but I also don’t know how it really affected me. I moved out on his birthday.

I feel like my midlife crisis hit me at 25 with nothing to lose, nowhere to go except up. Here’s why.

This guy, 21 told me he was trying to pick me up even when I was still with my boyfriend. I don’t know whether to be flattered or…disappointed. hes very immature and not thinking about the same milestones and goals as I am, nor do I feel it appropriate to influence that. All we do is smoke, talk, and have sex and occasionally go out to eat. He did say that it’s been a while since he’s gone out on a date, but I just feel an over all sense of immaturity. Like… it’s “(no)t yet” instead of no. He has a very high sex drive. Higher than mine and I’m not sure how long I can keep that up. It makes quite a bit of noise and I feel disrespectful to my neighbors. Isn’t that weird? I feel disrespectful for having sex as quietly as I can. And I mean I am trying everything.

I need to find my motivation now though and push through this so I can have my degree, no matter what it takes.