happy new year!
life has a way of teaching me lessons i’d rather not learn, i didn’t ask to learn and especially not unexpectedly. the past four months i wasn’t communicating with one of my best friends (read: the eulogy…) and i was not sure what exactly happened to sever the relationship. i know usually i do some crash dummy shit and push people away but this time was different. i was lost in the reasoning. during that solitude of four months, i felt lost. certain insecurities were triggered, abandonment issues resurfaced and i was merely surviving in life. my heart was honestly broken.
life taught me loss early when my parents divorced. it taught me people, no matter how much they claim to love you, can and may abandon you. life taught me early how to keep people at arms length, don’t trust too quick and when i’m getting too comfortable do something to burn the bridge. that’s how i crawled through early life. hurting before i got hurt. escaping with bruises and burns but at least i escaped and i didn’t give my “power” away to another person. that is a shitty way to live but it’s all i knew.
this separation from my friend tore through my soul. it crumbled me. it kept me isolated. it taught me again my survival techniques. it was like a karmic lesson and that shit sucked. hard. a few days ago, my friend texted me and apologized. i immediately called her and we cried and cleared the air. it felt right because this was genuine. this was love. i would be lying if i said i’m not scared. if i’m a bit close but not too close because during that time apart i learned how to survive. to be alone. to be broken and left again.
but i truly believe this is all God. God needed that to be a teachable moment. to show me how i treated some people in my life when i abandoned them because of my own survival techniques. when i loved too hard and walked away. this was humbling. i don’t hold onto people anymore. life taught me recently it’s ago if people go because the good ones will come back. life taught me recently i don’t have to survive out of fear. i can leave my hand open. i’ll be okay in the end. life taught me vulnerability. life taught me and is continuing to teach.