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Posts on Tumblr:

I’ve always been terrible at writing anything online. Not because I am a terrible writer, but because I end up thinking nobody will care.

Honestly, that might be true. But this is mainly for me so, fuck it! I’m Tim and this is my personal blog so you’ll see a bunch of things here spanning from bass guitar porn, cooking inspiration, locs, travelling, being a black atheist, being a dad, and wayyyy more. Follow me? Don’t follow me? Its cool I’ll still love you.

Blaaah. Not Really :p

 Yeeeeah, I’m at work waiting for videos to render and for Austin to come back from Arby’s for lunch. I’m working on a really cool video right now about an art exhibit. Really nice shots. Sometimes I think that’s the difference for me between a fun edit and a boring one is whether or not the shots are interesting. I’m getting much better with the GH5, so I don’t have to be embarrassed looking at my own shots as much anymore. Definitely a plus. 

I bought a camera, btw! Not a big one, a used Canon G7x. For years, I used this great high-end compact camera called the Canon Powershot G12. It was pretty much the only full manual compact camera around and it was great for everyday carry. Mine croaked a couple of years ago. I have used my dad’s on and off, but it’s a bit of a dated model. I kind of wanted a newer compact camera that had WiFi capabilities so I wouldn’t have to import all of my photos to a computer just to get them on my phone. Canon still makes the best point-and-shoots around, that I’ve seen. The G7x and G5x are known for being popular vlogging cameras. Of course they’re usually like $600+ in price because they’re Canons. Ugggh. I scored a used G7x for $298 on Ebay though! Yay! It’s still a chunk of money, but I also got a letter yesterday telling me that insurance is paying for a BIG unexpected chunk of my surgery in April so I don’t have to worry SO much. The camera should arrive this week or next. I’m already glad I got it because I’m probably going to see Birthday Massacre, Alanis Morisette and Rammstein this coming year. Jury’s still out on Rammstein, but we’re going to try to get tickets. Compact cameras are great for concerts, ftr. A lot of bigger venues don’t allow interchangeable lens camera inside, so having a good point-and-shoot is handy, even if you’re a pro. 

No, you aren’t required to use a DSLR 24/7 just because you’re a professional lol. It’s annoying that people think that. I really have NO idea how all those Photography Girls in High School took so many selfies and casual photos with the Canon Rebels they toted around constantly. DSLRs are so bulky and awkward. I’m pretty much all mirrorless now just because they’re less of a pain. So yeah, I’m pretty excited about my new cam! Hopefully the previous owner didn’t mishandle it. Using the new little guy should take some strain of my EOS M, which is my work camera. 

What else is going on ummm… I think I’m eating too many cookies cause I’m BORED haha. Not bored like nothing is going on, bored because everything I have to do is rather routine and mundane. I need to go on an adventure or something. I think this might be the universe or something instilling me with the motivation to learn to drive haha. If I had a license, I could drive to Lake Michigan or something. Probably not though, cause I still don’t have time. Hopefully once I get my new camera, I can trek out to the nature preserve and make some more outfit/aesthetic pics. If I can stand the cold. 😅

Oh, speaking of cookies, everyone needs to try the new caramel coconut oreos. They are fantastic:

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Also, here’s a face made of food:

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Stuck Earrings

It’s been six weeks since I got my earlobes pierced and that’s around the time that most people can change their jewelry. I’ve been really excited to try out the 500 new earrings that I got for Christmas, so I thought I’d give it a shot. Guess what? I couldn’t get my starter earrings out of my ears! They aren’t embedded or anything, I just can’t get the freaking back off the the post! I decided to get small studs to start off with because A. they were less expensive and B. they’re subtle; not too big of a commitment to start off with. When I was trying to remove them, they were really hard to get ahold of. I twisted those suckers every way I could think of, but the backs wouldn’t budge (they have twist off flat backs, ftr). Eventually, my left earlobe started to get swollen and I had to stop. It wasn’t bloody or anything, just swollen and a bit sore. Never thought I’d be sitting on Tumblr icing my earlobes on a Sunday night, but here we are. 😝

I don’t think there’s anything wrong, I just don’t know what I’m doing yet. This exact same thing happened when I first got my contacts. It took me a while to figure out the right way to do things. Suddenly starting to interact with a seldom-touched body part in a new way is harder than it looks. This is exactly why I always roll my eyes when someone sees an activity that looks easy on the surface and says “ha! I could do that!”. You really don’t know what you can do until you actually try to do the thing. Most things are harder than they look in my experience. I’ll give my ears another week or two and then try again. Heh.

Other than that failure, I had a really productive day. I finally got a mood upswing and I organized my parents’ downstairs fridge. It was a mess. It wasn’t overfull, just chaotic. That’s where we put leftovers and sometimes, they get forgotten down there. Ugh. It’s better now though. Thank goodness for mania. 

I’ve still got stuff to do though. We’ve got a meeting tomorrow with some marketing people to talk about doing commercials for the zoo in Battle Creek. I should brainstorm some ideas beforehand. I’ve really gotta step it up at work and get my balls back. I used to be so assertive back when I worked at CFI. Now I just let myself get run over and it’s not good. I’ve really gotta get over my fear of upsetting people someday. A part of me doesn’t want to though… I don’t like upsetting people haha. There’s enough hostility on the internet, who needs that IRL? 😂

u k i y o

[𝒖-𝒌𝒆𝒚-𝒚𝒐]  - 𝑱𝒂𝒑𝒂𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒆 

(𝒏.) 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕, 𝒅𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒅 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆. 

 “𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑭𝒍𝒐𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅.”


The Economy and Other Boring Things

There are a lot of really wealthy people in my city. Most of them are old money, so they keep a bit of a low profile. They made their fortunes in pharmaceuticals and medical equipment and now they plaster their names on the fronts of buildings downtown. They also keep their money at a specific financial institution that hires us to film their annual report. It’s not a particularly well-paying job (rich people are cheap, ftr), but it’s a job. And it’s kind of interesting to hear about the state of the economy based on data and not political screaming. I also happen to live in a pretty liberal city (one of the only counties in Michigan that went blue in 2016) so even though he people who own the bank are rich old white guys, they’re not nearly as conservative as you might expect. 

Apparently, it doesn’t look like we’re headed for a recession this year, thank god. Consumer spending is good, but business investments are a bit concerning. Not terrible though. I’ve seen a couple people online give Trump credit for the ok economy right now, but of course he had nothing to do with it. The presenters at this event actually addressed some of the political stuff in their report. Apparently, people tend to interpret economic data based on their preexisting political biases (shocker, right??). People who love Trump will be inclined to latch onto the health of consumer spending and say that the economy is doing great! People who hate Trump are more likely to look at the sluggishness of business investments and predict that everything will come crashing down soon. The truth is that we have to take both of those things into account and not freak out. I mean, I knew this, but it was nice to hear about political bias talked about openly like this. What I didn’t know is that elections and election years DON’T tend to affect the economy as much as you might think. Election years tend to be pretty banal, economically and the party in power doesn’t make much of a difference. Interesting stuff. Who knew? 

But yeah, I can’t say my life has been terribly exciting lately. I’m going out with Austin, Jerry and Leslye for Leslye’s Birthday tonight! Well, Leslye’s birthday was Thursday, but weekdays suck. :p 

I still need to figure out what to get Austin and Mady for their birthdays. I have some ideas, but nothing concrete yet. Yes, Austin and Mady’s birthdays are 5 days apart. I mean, six years removed from each other, but 5 days apart. Then, Valentine’s Day is two days later! It’s a busy time of year :p 

I actually do have more stuff to post about, but no time! Gotta get my outfit together for tonight, then Austin and I are going to Trader Joe’s. Byee.

“Sai…”, sguardo nel vuoto, respiro lento.

Gli occhi sulle sue labbra, per un attimo tutto si ferma.

“Non ero mai stato così bene con una ragazza., davvero.”

Un sorriso che nasce spontaneo stretta in un abbraccio che vorresti non finire mai.

In una realta fatta solo di like e cuori virtuali, conoscersi alla vecchia maniera e scegliersi nella vita vera ha un non so che di romantico.

Purity. Or something like it.

The other week, I was talking to my friends and trying to explain this specific mindset that my mom has. On Thanksgiving, my mom launched into this rant about weed. She kept saying that now that it’s legal, it’s just another thing people are going to use to “poison” and “pollute” their bodies with “garbage”. My mom feels that way about all drugs, even most prescription ones. She’s not “crunchy” by any means, but she’s very susceptible to being taken in by the All Natural line of thinking. Ben and I argue with her about this on a semi-regular basis. She has what I can only describe as a “purity mindset”. Ben and I don’t really think like that at all.  

I remember when I mom started going through menopause, she told me that some women take estrogen in order to relieve their symptoms, but that she would never do that because she didn’t want to “screw up her body”. I didn’t say this to her, but I remember thinking “if you’re miserable living in your own skin because of something your body is doing, isn’t it already screwed up?” Ok yeah, menopause is natural, but is it really necessary to just go along with what biology dictates if it makes your life worse? I can understand not wanting to rely on medication to fix all your problems, but that’s mostly because meds are expensive and I don’t really like the idea of relying on people for things when I can fix them on my own lol.

My mom seems to have this idea in her head that there’s this default “natural” way that bodies are and that just following nature’s plan is the best way to do things. The problem is that nature sure is beautiful, but it has no incentive to help us live our best lives. Our bodies aren’t perfect a lot of time. If she’s happiest avoiding “substances” unless necessary, then great! I just get annoyed when she acts like her purity mindset is some sort of universal truth. 

Ok, why am I posting about this? Last night on the airdyne, I was thinking about how much happier I’ve been choosing NOT to let my body be its default self. I went to Planned Parenthood and got a Mirena IUD when I was 18, something that my mom probably would have taken issue with. I’m SO happy I did that though. I went from having unbearable periods to having occasional cramps and spotting. I just wasn’t living my best life allowing my body to stay in its natural state, so a changed it. Yeah, there are risks involved with any medical procedure, but the benefits have FAR outweighed them. I feel exactly the same way about my recent piercings. I debated getting them for soooo long, that feeling that I might be permanently screwing up my body lodged in my mind. But no! I don’t feel screwed up! I feel excited about being able to wear new kinds of jewelry. I have never felt “sexy” in my life, but my navel piercing actually makes me feel kind of sexy sometimes lol. Honestly, I think these things make me feel empowered BECAUSE I chose them. Just letting things happen to me isn’t my style. I do believe in the Stoic way of letting things go if you can’t control them. For sure. But if I can control something and I don’t step up and do something, I feel like crap. 

So here I am, impure as heck and pretty ok with that. Sorry mom. I love you, but I think we might just be different people. <3

Note: I don’t smoke weed, lol. I just know so many people who do and have no adverse effects, my mom’s reservations about it seem ridiculous on a level that I can’t even begin to describe haha.

PERSONAL BLOG



It took time but I’ve finally come to decide on making this a personal blog for myself. (Do people even still do these things???)

By personal blog, I don’t mean a place to repost others posts, but a place for me to share myself with others. I find it hard to open up about myself, even to my family (even though I shouldn’t), and while many may think I’m crazy for putting my life on a blog, it is only the parts of me that I share, that you will know.

No person I speak to knows me as a whole, it’s only the parts of me that I express that they see, and based on that is their perception of who I am as an individual.

A personal blog here just gives me that extra space where I can express myself further.

3

Girne’de bahçeli ev artık çok az kalmış. Eskiden heryerde tek katlı, bahçesinde türlü çeşit turunçgil olan evlerden varmış.Ama artık onların yerinde yeni apartmanlar var. Uzun bir süre bahçe katında yaşayıp, hatta ‘apartman dairesinde artık yaşayamam’ deyip sonra apartman dairesinde yaşamak biraz ilginç oldu benim için. Bu deneyimle yine hayatta kesin şeyler söylememek ve esnek olmak gerektiğinin bir kez daha farkına vardım. Burası yeni yapılan apartmanlardan birinin stüdyo dairesi. Bir katta 7-8 daire var. 1.kattayız ve önümüz bir zeytinliğe bakıyor.Pencerenin karşısında en sevdiğim ağaçlardan biri olan ve beni evimde hissettiren bir çam ağacı var.Sabah çeşitli kuşlar gelip dallarında şakıyorlar. 

İlk başta bahçem yok diye üzüldüm.Ama sonra daha önce de yaptığım gibi balkon bahçeciliğine başladım. Alanın sınırlı olması bazen insanı daha yaratıcı ve üretici yapabiliyor. Sokakta yürürken gözüme kestirdiğim köklendirmelik bitkileri toplamaya başladım. Şimdiye kadar ıtır, sardunya, nane, birkaç sukulent türü ve aloe vera buldum. Bunlara ek olarak ta yanımda getirdiğim tohumları ekmeye başladım. Hemen yanımızda bir sera var. Oraya gidip (mecburen) toprak aldım ve kullanmadıkları saksılardan birkaç tane istedim.Yaz boyu çok alıştığım kedi nanesi, maydanoz, roka ve karalahana ektim. Zamanla tükettiğimiz yiyeceklerin ambalajlarına da ekmeye devam ediyorum. Mesela dün yazın tohumunu topladığım rezenelerden ektim. 

//////

In Kyrenia there aren’t many houses with gardens. Back then there were only one or two story houses with gardens full of citrus trees. Now there are only a few.Everywhere is full of new apartment buildings that are built on the gardens of these houses. After a long time of living in houses with gardens, and saying that ‘I can never live in a apartment building’, it was a challenge to start living in a studio apartment. I realized ‘again’ that there’s no need to say limiting sentences like this in life.It’s much better and healthier to be flexible and accepting.

This is a studio apartment in one of the newly built building.It’s on the 1st floor and it’s right next to an olive orchard. There’s a pine tree (one of my favorite trees) by the window and a variety of birds come to sing in the morning.

The fact that I didn’t have a garden made me sad in the beginning.But then I started balcony gardening as I did when I first started gardening. Sometimes having a limited space can make a person more creative and productive.

So while walking around, I started collecting plants that can be propagated. I collected pelargonium graveolnes, geranium, mint, a couple of succulents and aloe vera so far. In addition to these, I started planting the seeds that I brought with me. Right next to our building there is a greenhouse. I bought some peat from them and asked for a couple of pots that they don’t use. Then I waited for the right time of the moon and planted cat mint (I got so used to this plant that it’s like a companion to me), parsley, rocket and kale.

I keep planting in the used containers of yoghurt, tetrapak or canned food.

It’s 3AM and I’m awake… WRITING TIME!!!

I’ve been stalking old photos and posts and other outputs for like an hour now. It’s crazy, but I think it’s time for me to come out of my shell and publicly share my thoughts to whoever wants to hear me.

I think it’s time to practice creative writing again and start posting new and fresh content even if it’s only for me to see. I want the world to know what’s on my mind. I want people to learn from what I have expressed.

I know I can do this.


1.14.2020

Family Lore and Self Worth

I talked to my parents for a long time yesterday…. that’s a good thing because I don’t have a lot to talk to them about so I think it’s good to take advantage of opportunities to connect with them. We talked about our relatives and family history. We all spend a lot of time thinking about that kind of stuff… how all of the weird stuff our relatives did let up to the way things are now. 

Everytime I talk to my mom about the family, I learn something new. Her side of the family was complicated and there are some stories that my mom always avoided telling me because I wasn’t old enough to understand or because they were just too sensitive to talk about. When my grandfather died, a strange woman friended me and messaged me on Facebook. I thought she must just be a distant cousin of some sort, but she turned out to be my mom’s half-sister that I never knew about. That was a trip. Yesterday, I learned yet another part of my mom’s family’s fraught past. 

I had always heard that my uncle “screwed up” when my Grandparents started falling apart. He screwed up a lot. He dropped out of college and tried to become a door to door vaccuum salesman and basically did nothing with himself until my Grandfather helped him get into law school. It turns out that things were even more screwed up than I knew. My uncle dated my aunt in high school and apparently, they got pregnant by accident. This was back in the 70s, mind you, so that kind of thing was taboo as heck. My grandfather paid my aunt to get an abortion. I don’t know if she wanted one or not, but there really wasn’t much of a choice; my grandfather was literally Tywin Lannister and he tended to get his way. My uncle and aunt did end up getting married, but had a nasty divorce many years later. I had no idea that their history with each other was so sad from the beginning. My mom frames their marriage as a positive thing. Yeah, she got pregnant and got an abortion, but at least my uncle did “the honorable thing”. I didn’t argue, but I disagree with this. My mom’s views on sex are just really different from mine. She sees sex as a commitment that’s supposed to connect you to a person for life. I think that’s what marriage is, but not sex. Marriage is a huge commitment and you should never make it based on teenage mistakes. Or any mistakes. That’s just my 2 cents, but I didn’t feel like it was appropriate to bring that up when my mom was being vulnerable about something that still affects her emotionally (See? I’m more mature than I used to be!) 

Oh, and I should mention… very few people in the family know this info. My mom only knows because periodically, my grandma would get drunk or upset and just vent to my mom about very personal stuff. So yeah. Hopefully my family doesn’t see this post. Heh. 

Something weird happened as my parents shared stories with me about my family members and their struggles… I started to feel this thing. Like a weird kind of self worth? Like I started to really realize the fact that people literally suffered and sacrificed so that I could be here. My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles… they all went through SO MUCH and all of it led to me being able to have the life I do. I am the culmination of all of their trials and struggles, me my brother and our cousins. Like… it was such a crazy thought. I thought about all of the times I’d called myself worthless, all of the times I’d let people walk all over me let my efforts go unappreciated. I may not feel like I’m personally special, but people worked their asses off to get me here. How have I allowed myself to disrespect them so by treating myself like garbage in the past? Like holy balls. It made me want to do a better job of standing up for myself and not deprecating so much. Is this what self worth feels like?? Weeeird. 

It really connects with what happened to Rey in The Rise of Skywalker, to be honest. I knew that I related to that experience of being “all the Jedi”, but I didn’t expect to experience that feeling quite so literally. I guess I carry the sum of all of my ancestors’ efforts with me the same way Rey carries the spirits of all of the Jedi past. I feel like knowing that can make me powerful in the same way it made Rey powerful. I can kind of understand now why so many cultures practice ancestor worship. 

I’m rambling now, but it was an interesting thing to realize/experience. 

Edit: Right after I posted this, a song popped into my head that I found via a Spotify shuffle play list a while back. It pretty much describes my feelings perfectly, so I thought I’d share:

<iframe src=“https://open.spotify.com/embed/track/5qDhUVxVa46zLTdT0CZRXk” width=“300” height=“380” frameborder=“0” allowtransparency=“true” allow=“encrypted-media”></iframe>

1-10-2020

I built a shoe rack today! Exciting, I know, but if you had ANY idea how absurd my shoe pile was getting… well, you’d be happy too. I just needed to get one thing accomplished because it has just been the sleepiest week. Nothing remotely interesting has happened because everyone is so tired. 

Scratch that, my dad started his new semester this week. It’s not a big deal for me, but it is for him. My dad’s in a good mood because he got good scores on Rate My Professor 😂He did say though that all of his students said he was an easy grader, so he’s gonna up the difficulty level this time around. 😂

I’ve been trying to draw a little bit more lately. One of my “resolutions” is to finish some drawings by the end of the year. The number of drawings that I’ve started but not finished is piling up like no other. I wish I didn’t get so tired of working on a single thing for a long period of time. Even when I’m editing videos, the last little bit of editing so hard for me to push through sometimes. I’m going to try to finish some stuff this year. I have an iPad and Procreate so I literally have no excuse not to draw more. 😅

Unfortunately, this is about the 4th time I’ve sat down to finish this post and I still haven’t finished it. This is exactly my problem: I’m distractible and antsy. I keep getting into these restless moods where its too cold for me to go out and wander around, so I eat junk and impulse buy clothes off of Poshmark. I mean, I don’t go too overboard, but it’s good to stop these things BEFORE they become habits. One of my other resolutions is to stop stalking the social media accounts of people who give me FOMO. My FOMO is weird. It’s less about wanting to do things or be involved in whatever the cool kids are doing and more about wanting to try out new aesthetics. I can spend hours scrolling people’s Insta feeds for “inspiration” and really waste a lot of time. I have avoided doing that all month so far and now there’s this void of time where my FOMO used to be. Oops. Better start being productive. :p