Ok so today I sent my darling this picture:
It’s a part of the score of my newest piece of music I am currently working on and he answered with “I am so happy that you can finally make music again” and tbh I am so happy to have him. He knew that after university rejected me I had a hard time getting back into music, not even knowing why I am suddenly unable to write anything music related, except for theory and even that only occasionally…
I swear, I am going to marry this man.
He means so much to me.
I played it off, saying things like: “but I still made music” but in the end I had to admit, yes, I made music, but without enthusiasm and then I realized how bad this time really has been.
I was emotionally drained. I was sad, clingy and constantly needed reassurance from him that everything is alright. He gave it to me no problem, because he wants me to get better, but I felt like a nuisance. My mood fluctuated like it did only really, really rarely. But today I realized that it’s going to be better, because I can finally express myself again.
And I am thankful for that.
In the weeks after the rejection I both only studied theory and hated everything I have written before, even though it hasn’t been taken into account in the exam, I already failed before they would even take a look at those. I had phases where I studied every little bit of theory I could find, without ANY sense of direction or even thinking about what I was doing.
I only harmed my knowledge, got confused and in the end frustrated, until I thought that I lost my ability to make music. But then I took a good break and tried to enjoy other things. Et voilà. I am getting better. Slowly, but steadily. And I can make music again, but with a new approach.
Right now I am sorting out what I already learned, started to categorize and write it down. And I am learning with system now. The pieces I write will now be part of my studying and thus product of it. I am not letting my knowledge hang in the air, I put it to good use. And I hope, that next year, I will be able to master my entrance exam. It will be hard, very hard. But I believe I can do it this time.
Thanks for reading.