Trauma is a curious thing.
I have trauma. A medly of types from across my life. This entire week is a massive traumaversary for me from my most recent trauma. It was medical and I am still recovering physically a year later and it altered my health for the rest of my life. I was fine before, okay the first day and kinda ok on the second, but at third day I am really spacey, I physically hurt, my mouth is dry, I feel like everything is too loud and too close. I want to be alone with my baby in a dark room, away from everyone, quiet, safe. But I also want to be in that room alone to close my eyes and cry unabashed all alone. I feel removed, others feel distant, disappointed in me for one reason or another. I feel guilty, tired, sad. I feel like dying would be a reasonable way to just stop feeling like this, stop sabotaging my family’s stability….but I can’t because I love my son more than I could ever love myself and I want anybody to raise him but me.