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The Top Ten Things That Confuse My Mother (circa 2012)

I wrote this while I was in college. It’s still accurate. Enjoy.

10. The difference between E-Mail and Text .

9. Why I’m not studying all of the time.

8. Why I hang out with my friends.

7. Why I’d “want to go 3000 miles to get a job and not be with your mother.” I currently reside in Los Angeles. Roughly 2,875 miles from my mother.

6. Facebook Newsfeeds. She believes every post from a friend was sent to her.

5. Where to look when we’re Skyping. Today, FaceTime is even more perplexing.

4. When she falls asleep on the couch for five minutes and then I shake her awake and tell her it’s three hours later.

3. When she puts something in a “safe place.”

2. Her ringtone for her cellphone. She does not know what it sounds like.

1. Why I don’t take all of her “good advice.”

Today, i sat in a room full of Girls and we talked about love. A girl said a guy told her he loved her, but she didn’t understand why. So i challenged the group with the question: how do you know that you’re in love?  How do you know when someone loves you?

I received all kinds of crazy responses like “he gives you those feelings.” or “He has a huge dick.” And love is now defined by the size of a mans penis but never the size of his heart. How I remember the times when I was blinded by things that weren’t love, and how sex was a shortcut to what was love, and how i wish they could see that too.

Tonight i ask myself: What is love? And what I realized was that i’ve been mad at God for a long time over something I called love. Something that really wasn’t love. How dare he put a man in my life, one who worships the lord, then show’s me this man’s true colors that were less than gospel centered, and then tear him from my heart leaving a hole only big enough that god could fill. How dare he.

Over the years i’ve been mad at God for something he never did wrong: leaving me as a single mother.  How dare he let me wander in a valley of singleness, without help and without another to be beside me on the days i felt like I couldn’t go on. 

But i had time during that singleness to learn about my purpose as a mother and the purpose he gave, the purpose of being manless. What did this season of being a mother longing for another make me realize? That i have been running from him because of men. I haven’t been running TO him, i have not been thanking him for what I had, instead, i was absent in pew’s on sunday’s because I  was angry at the one who loves me the most.

 It is insanity to run from God and search for love. 

We run from the one our soul craves. We run from God because we long to be loved, and we commit Sins in order to get the love we believe our soul craves for. We have convinced ourselves that the one who is most loving could never embrace us in the same way a man’s strong arms would. 

My God sized hole is huge, and a man is never big enough to fill that, only God is. My hope, for all the young women in the world, exploring who they are, will one day find themselves wandering to the cross, stumble upon him, and come to realize that he is the one you need to call home.
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Rolling with the punches

For as long as I remember I’ve wanted kids. I met the man of my dreams when I was 16 and thought I was ready right then and there to have one. How dumb and childish 😂 I had no clue what I was thinking. But you know how when you dream about growing up and having some fantastic dream job? I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what I wanted. All I could think was I want to be a mom. Maybe that’s why I’ve acquired quite a zoo of animals in my lifetime. That somehow allowed me to be a mom at an appropriate age and care for a living breathing creature. It’s been 6 years since I met my now husband and my dreams were coming true-or so I thought. We were trying to make a baby! I know it takes some time for these things to happen so I was having fun and rolling with the punches when I came to the conclusion I was late. One week passed, then two, three. A month later. Two months later. I’ve never been this late in my life so pregnancy test after test I kept the faith but they all came up negative. I was in denial, you know these things dont just happen. So I called the doctor. Maybe pregnancy tests dont work on me, maybe I have messed up pee. The day of I carefully kept my emotions in check. I didn’t want to get my Hope’s up and turn out to not be pregnant. This was just a fluke thing and I’d be in and out and on my way to making babies. How wrong I was. She listed symptom after symptom and I was meeting all the criteria. She took blood, ran tests. I wasn’t pregnant… I’d need help with that part. Have I heard of PCOS? I should read more about it and brace myself. Now it’s not the worst diagnosis in the world I know. However, it’s an obstacle and it’s all new for me. I might not be able to have and successfully carry a child. I have plenty of options. I can take medication, go through surgery, last resort try IVF. It could be worse, I’ve always tried to look at the bright side of things but right now I want to revel in the sadness. I want to feel sorry for myself and my husband. Then I’ll pick myself up and try whatever I need to in order to have a baby. Remember when I said being a mom was my dream job? It still is. When you meet someone ambitious and chasing their dreams you notice how obstacle after obstacle they dont give up. I wont either. I will allow myself to be a mom-whatever means necessary. Now it doesnt have to be with a human child, I can keep acquiring pets and caring for them exactly as I always have. I can adopt a precious little human that has probably been through more shit than me at such a young age. I can try the tests and meds and see what happens. I’m keeping my options open, you see I just found out about this today so give me some time and I’ll find a solution. My only hope for myself or anyone dealing with something is to overcome this battle. My thoughts are with you guys. I’ve had a pretty easy life so it’s hard for me to sympathize with much harder problems but I’m aware there are worse things in the world. The only thing I can ask for is some positive thoughts and a check in every once in a while. I’ll promise to do the same.

“No mom ya know what fuck ya cheetos and cheerios, fuck changing my ass, fuck letting me watch dave and ava and all this other shit. Just fuck it mom I’m out.”

Me: peace out kiddo send me a graduation invite

Side note: I love my child dearly I’d never let her walk out she can’t reach and the top bolts locked anyway. This is just what I feel like she says sometimes
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is it just me but when your boyfriend or best friend or just someone close to you in general says something like “mom said-“ instead of “my mom said-“ doesn’t that just like warm your heart ??? and make you feel all extra close to them and 💗💞💘💕💓💖!!!