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Do you feel like it's the end of the world?

New Blog is Posted! What is something you wish you knew before you started blogging? I’m discussing the cost of blogging and what you need to know before you start. Click the Blog link below for full blog πŸ’«

NEW BLOG POST | 20+ Black Fashion Editors, Writers and Creatives to Follow Now β€” : The are the women telling our stories.

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LOVE YOURSELF…by Poetra Asantewa…#follow #melaninpoppin #melanin #queensinmelanin #zimgirlskillingit #femalehustlermindset👑 #blackbloggers #femaleblogger #africanblogger #melaninbloggers #melanin #bloglaunch #newblog #zimbloggers #follow #femaleblogger #womenbloggers #womenempowerment #queensinmelanin #fempire #fempowerment #loveyourself (at Bulawayo, Zimbabwe)

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You not claiming your blackness doesn’t make you any less Black.
It’s okay to represent & take pride in your various cultures, nationalities, ethnicities, etc. but whats not okay is erasing your blackness while doing it.
I get the debate on “Im not black, Im not a color”
Understand that in Amerikkka we’re Black
Your Ancestors were BLACK.. AFRICAN to be exact before they were Jamican, Trinidadian, Domincan, Columbian, etc.
Stop separating yourselves from your blackness for whatever reasons & embrace it is all im trying to say. - #blackculture, #blackbloggers, #blackbloggersunited, #blackfamily, #blackkings, #blackqueens, #blackswhoblog, #blackwomenwhoblog, #browngirlswhoblog, #blackgirlmagic, #blackgirlbloggers, #blackgirlswhoblog, #melaninpower, #melanin, #unapologeticallyblack, #blackpride, #blackpower, #BlackLivesMatter, #melaninbloggers #africanamericans, #blackCommunity, #queenofpettysjt #regrann DrKinu - #regrann

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The Cop who murdered #LaquanMcDonald “Jason Van Dyke” was attacked in prison. his wife spoke out saying he was placed in general population. Her words “that was not supposed to happen”.

#jasonvandyke #thesavoy #chicagopolice #jussiesmollet #BlackLivesMatter, #melaninbloggers #africanamericans, #blackCommunity, #gyrlversion

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Hello everyone.

I hope we are all in good health and this beautiful month that we are in. January, good riddance. You were sixty days long and we were broke through it all.

Let’s talk about insecurity. Yes the topic a lot of people seem to be tired of. But it needs to be addressed because self-security is just as important as financial security or any other type of security this world has.

For so long I really hated myself, never saw anything positive about me. I feel ugly. My entire world was so dark. I masked it well though. My loud personality just made people always think I was confident but it was never the case. I remember one night my best friend in the entire world and I were out at this spot we loved and the drinks were flowing and she told me she loved how confident I was. It really shocked me, I couldn’t even say thank you because I knew this façade had people thinking I really felt confident and secure with myself. But I knew I was a fraud. It really sparked this feeling of guilt and I knew I had to be different.

Growing up I was big. Still am. But it really made me feel some type of way. From a young age people were always pointing out how big I was from a young age and make a huge fuss if I would state my age. It was really exhausting and I would wonder why God made me this way, why didn’t I have the slender legs and the flat tummy and all that. So at that young age the insecurity started and I first started to think that flat was right and what I had I was given because I was not loved by the Big guy upstairs. So I started to suck my tummy in to try and make it seem that it was a bit smaller than it actually was and I became a master at it. Funny as it sounds that was my life. For a very long time.

The year was ’07 and I began to notice that my chest was changing a little. It wasn’t the usual flat I saw for many years. I remember something was up when my sister saw me changing and she pointed out that my breasts began to form. It was hysterical to her being that I was so young at the time. At 9 years old I had little boobs and had no idea how to react because the entire process of puberty is something I never understood and because my mom wasn’t there to talk me through it. Or anyone for that matter. I never got the talk so all this was happening and I could not understand. It may sound dumb, but it’s just how it was. I never knew. Being Zambian you know dads don’t really give their girls the talk. My dad is blessed to have 3.  So at the time they weren’t showing through my school uniform so I was a bit relaxed. Then one day they made their grand debut and the reaction I got just didn’t really help how I was feeling. People pointed it out like it was a virus. I know some people who would prefer a bigger chest but having one so young it never felt like something good. I was literally the only one among my classmates going through it. I was nine years old. You just know boobs are not common. Probably the girls I knew may have got the talk but they grew up in a very different environment as I did.

To make it worse I had acne. Like bad. My hormones were not happy to be in my body because they were lethal. They hit nice and hard and because I was so clueless about it, people would constantly point it out like I was not taking care of myself and I believed them. Even the grown people who went through it couldn’t just tell me that my body was just performing something that is normal. Now I really felt that the world was really playing tricks on me. I really believed I was ugly and I tried many things. Even made my dad start buying me all these ointments that were supposed to “help”. They never did. It would just get worse. I remember even buying make up once to try and hide because that’s how much I wanted it to go.

It was hard because I could not talk to anyone about it. It was even worse coming from family, because no one ever had acne so there must have obviously been something wrong with me. I would dread being around them because it something that went on and on. And I had enough.

So to cope I developed this fake confidence persona. Hoping that maybe if I faked it I would maybe one day feel that way. I admit I used to amplify other peoples imperfections to try and make myself feel better. I had the mentality of “they have this wrong about them and I don’t so I’m in a much better position than they are”, I wouldn’t say it out to them, but I would to say it to myself. It was a toxic trait just to feed this fake confidence. It was toxic. I used to walk around acting confident meanwhile what was fueling that was pointing out flaws in people constantly. When people would point out something I felt insecure about I would hit them back with something so bad in my head and just smile through it. To the world I showed this persona but in reality I would look into the mirror and point out everything I felt was wrong with me and just drown myself in self-hate.  I tore myself down constantly. It was a toxic and disgusting cycle I was in for so long.

So when my best friend told me that I realized that I wasn’t only lying to other people but to myself. Because the faking became part of me. I know the term fake it till you make it is widely used but when you’re faking and have a toxic trait backing that faking. It really is not something to live by. So I confronted myself and called myself on the bullshit I had been on for most of my life. I had to find the root of as to why I was in that position for such a long time. My insecurities turned me into such a despicable person and I did not like myself even more. Now I was mad at being mad at the world because it made me that way.  I was madder at the fact that doing that made me even more insecure and it was terrible.

Natural occurrences of my body and the reactions of people made me insecure. I only knew about the normality of puberty until I was desperate and went to an old friend’s house, her dad is a doctor. I explained to him that I had been trying all sorts if methods on my face, creams, scrubs and everything you can think of, he really saw how it was bothering me and he told me to not worry or listen to anyone when it came to that and he talked me through every single thing that was happening. He told me to let it pass because it was something that was not permanent. He advised me to just drink lots of water and not flood my face with so many things because they were doing more harm than good. So I stopped putting them eventually it began to clear and I was happy but that cycle of lowering people to make myself feel better did not stop. Bad habits die hard. I still was insecure about other aspects of myself. I was still maintaining that attitude.

Ever since that night something was added to the journey of self-acceptance. So I started to curb that habit I had developed. Every time I would find myself doing it I mentally slap myself. It was really hard to break the habit. I learnt that amplifying other people’s flaws only made me see my insecurities even more and I felt worse every single time.

So I’m loving myself every day. With my thunder thighs, not so flat tummy, acne scars and all. I still have my days but I remind myself that whatever people think about me is their problem, not mine.

So if you feel a certain way about yourself, I understand. We all do. But it’s those little things that distinguish us. So embrace that crooked tooth, that scar or that huge birthmark. It’s yours and you can make your world beautiful regardless of that little thing you see as ugly. If people don’t see the beauty of it they are not worthy. Physical appearance yes is good to look at but even the ripest looking fruit could be rotten. Just know you’re beautiful. You need to believe it too.

Wholeness is permanent. Be whole and no one will take anything from you.

               Stay beautiful.

               Love and peace. X


                                                               -Unapologetically Chipo.