Magic found me in my disconnection, in my abandoned state we called out for each other. I found peace in my small world, a squid in the corner of an aquarium, no connections to the fish that surrounded me and no connection to the humans on the other side of the glass. I found magic in my freedom, my first taste of ocean and a longing for more. I found magic in my rebellion against those who hurt me, and I lost it in hurting myself.
Magic never comes easy, but that feeling, that spark of life that comes to you is worth every hour of practice. I found magic by the sea, where the waves carried away your ashes, I found magic in all the people who rely on me without you and I lost it when their tears drowned me.
I found magic in the songs I sing, something only it and I know; I became more aware of magic as I became more aware of the world and I forgot about it when the problems that weren’t mine were used against me. I lost magic when I lost myself, but as I find magic I find depth within me I never knew existed.
I found magic in the deep that horrified me and it found me when I plunged in deeper, the crushing depth nothing compared to that of a broken home in a broken world. I found my escape in magic and with it I found my resolve.
I found magic when I refused to forgive you, when the broken ribs and tear stained cheeks you gave me became too much. My first taste of true power was destruction, but with it came my protection and some day theirs.
I found magic in my daydreams of the forest and the adventures I had all alone. I found my magic in my own belief and lost it in my doubt, what once was a forest flooded with tides of self denial that I now must navigate as I push through life.
I found magic in the hope I held it was real, I lost it when I thought I couldn’t do anything. I found magic in those who pushed me forward, something new to me that I have to look forward to.
Magic found me when I sought it out and I found it when I accepted it wasn’t everything. I found magic in your flannel as I held you crying, felt it saturate me as I tried to soothe you. I found magic when I realized I was different than I thought I was, not quite as monstrous as I would have believed. I found magic when I looked inside what I though was an empty shell and found something beautiful that I still don’t recognize as me.
I found magic when was hating myself, those scars I put there myself still burning. The will to live spread from magic and grew into so much more, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t so hard to do or here at all. I found magic while trying to make friends, not realizing I could find them instead. Fear of embarrassment made me lie about magic, exaggerating or understating so I wouldn’t make things weird when really magic was natural, something I shouldn’t have to lie about.
I found magic when I told myself the truth, and it grew when I accepted it. I found magic in my longing to be noticed, and when I realized all I had to do was extend a hand. The seas I thought were too wide to cross turned out to only be a small lagoon that should’ve felt like home. What was done to me I can’t deny made me weaker, but magic fixed that a little and gave me a way to fix it more. Magic helped me live when nothing else seemed to matter and that’s why I’m so glad I found magic, all around and within me.