I wish I could tell you it is getting better. I wish I could feel like I’m making you proud. The truth is, I’m shutting down. I dread waking up, I dread going to sleep. Everything is exhausting and nothing seems real. I really think I’m losing my mind. I quit my job. I didn’t want to do it anymore, it was making me so unhappy and I can’t deal with a single fucking thing right now. My birthday is coming up and I am terrified. How do I do it without you? 27 birthdays you were there for, and I never wanted anything big, I just wanted you there, and you never failed me. You loved me so much and I loved you the same, how are you not here anymore?! No one understands how close we were. People tell me you would want me to be happy, and I know it’s true. I know. But how can I be happy without you? When part of me is missing?
Dad, I am trying so hard to fit in and be a functioning human. I went to Erika’s birthday dinner and I hated it, I took way too much anxiety medicine and I am ashamed. I couldn’t get through it without it. You’re not there. My life is a labyrinth, a nightmare, I keep wishing to wake up. I can’t. This all somehow fucking happened, this is my reality. Most days I’ve been feeling numb, like a person pretending to be a person, like I’m looking in from the outside at someone’s depressing life.
I want to die too. It’s been four months. I can’t believe it. I keep trying to describe it, but the truth is there are no words. This is agony. I want it all to stop.
I love you, love you, I love you, Papa. Thank you for loving me so completely. I wouldn’t trade a single moment.