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Ce n'est peut-être pas très Charlie mais le du 200319 envisage de contrevenir au protocole. - Fuir est une pulsion:



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On and Off

The title described my relationship with writing very well. I said I want to write regularly, but… No. I never meant it. Even though I thought I meant it, but I didn’t. 

Just admitting that I am the biggest liar, I lied to myself all the time. 

This time, just this time I really want to make something happen no matter what. I will write regularly, I will give my time for it. There aren’t any obstacles anymore, so I don’t have any excuses to not do this. I got a new PC which is great, it works faster than my old one. Way faster to be exact. Meaning I can be more productive, hopefully.

Yes, I want to put my works here, and not to care whether it’s bad or not good enough. I just need to do it, doing the real work.

Shame

It’s so unfortunate when a surprisingly decent and fascinating human comes around and expresses genuine interest in you, only for them to be legitimately busy most of the time with work especially from their intense yet fulfilling line of work. I don’t get much social interaction at all other than through texts from friends, so it’s proportionately more sad for me to not hear back from someone as often as I would like since I really have nothing going on. But I really can’t be mad, they are dedicated to their 2 jobs which is commendable. And I’ve been on the flip side as well, there are often times when I am too busy to check messages and I often forget to reply to even close friends over text if I miss the notification during that time. There’s really no reason for me to be bent out of shape if I get asked how I’m doing and then don’t hear back right away because I do the same thing. I probably feel this way because I’ve placed a lot of mental importance upon this person because I am (hesitantly, for they live in another state) interested in them in a romantic way. Perhaps it’s the anticipation that is killing me, since we are a few hours away, and our schedules are very busy, so we plan to meet halfway for a date next month. Which feels like forever. This person initiated everything a few weeks ago which has been enough time for me to build more interest with them and be both anxious about meeting but also wishing we could have met already. I am looking forward to seeing if we are compatible in person and if then, what next, given our difference in location.

Now, I can’t speak to how this person feels about me, but we have been friends online for a few months and they have been interacting with my online content, and then presumably worked up the confidence to ask me out on a date. I had a fairly high opinion of this person prior to that, so it wasn’t too far of a leap for me to have some faith and accept (before we realized our difference geographically). And even upon realizing we are a handful of hours apart from each other, this person still maintained interest in seeing me in person eventually! Originally they intended to drive the whole way here to meet until I decided there would be more to do in, and less to travel to, in the city between us. And through the times that this person hasn’t responded, they do come around and check in again if it’s been a day or so (right at the point where I start googling double texting ettiquite). This person and I have even exchanged writing and I adore their work for its surrealism, voice, and complexity. We have even exchanged music lately, we’re getting along quite well. So it’s not as if they are uninterested.

Perhaps I’ve been spoiled by my friends and our fast-paced communications. This person is nearly 4 years older than me and an actual functioning adult with specialized jobs. It may be that I am expecting a lot for someone they haven’t met in person yet. Idk. Sometimes the texting is fast paced and other times it is entirely sporadic, which is probably leaving me confused as to what frequency I should expect for communication. And perhaps my lonely self is a little too excited as well. Nevertheless, it is 5 in the morning now and I must sleep on this. I hope to master patience eventually.

April 21, 2019


Dear Friend,


I am starting to feel lonely. 

I am calmly & sorrowfully alone. 

I think if I can just have friends like normal people and hang out and be afraid of silence so I will have so much to say then I’ll be okay.  

I think I’m not anti-social. I’m just a person with social anxiety. There’s a difference.

I also think that I’m not a people person, but a someone person and someone is better than no one at all.

Right now it’s just me looking forward to writing a song next week at my music school and passing by the bookstore with no one at all. 


                                                                                                       Still fighting,

                                                                                                                Jay 💙

Journal 63: Oops

My coworker said “I love you the other day”

And not that I wanted to say it back,

And not even that she meant it like that

-she does appreciate really appreciate me-

-like, emotionally-

But then she hugged me,

and maybe I loved her a little back

poem 45 ni virgilio almario

45

Madalî ang magsinungaling;
Ordinaryong trabaho ito ng entablado.
Ngunit mahal ko ang sinabi kong mahal
Dahil bahagi ng aking búhay.
Tulad ng mahal kong kanin sa araw-araw,
Ng saging,
Ng laging preparadong sardinas,
Ng mahirap kalimutang higop ng kape,
Ng sagitsit ng kawali,
Ng ulyaning gripo,
Ng lahat ng pumapalyang sistema ng lungsod,
Ng naninisnis na kalinga ng tuwalya,
Ng masunuring sapatos.
Mahal ko na
Kahit ang kailangang inuming gamot.
At mahal ko ang sorbetes pandan dahil mahal mo:
Ang sapin-sapin,
Ang inipit na halimuyak ng ilang-ilang,
Ang kundiman at jazz,
Ang aklat ng tula,
Ang paborito mong restoran,
Si Chaplin.
Ang damuhang ito dahil inupuan mo.
Ang bangketang iyon
Dahil nilakaran mo rin araw-araw.
Ang takipsilim
Dahil matagal mong pinanood
At hinangaan.
Ang bantayog
Dahil niligid mong nakatingala.
Mahal ko ang suklay dahil iyo:
Ang botones,
Ang sinulid at karayom,
Ang imperdible,
Ang garter,
Ang palda,
Ang panti’t bra, at marami pa.
Lalong hindi ako sinungaling kung minamahal ko
Ang araw,
Ang dagat,
Ang naglalahòng bundok,
Ang pangahas na simoy,
Ang ulap,
Ang buhangin at bato,
Dahil naaalaala ko ang init at lamig mo,
Ang lungtian at harot mo,
Ang mga pangarap mo,
Ang lambot at tigas mong minamahal ko.

I spent 8hrs in the sun yesterday! But I forgot to put sun cream on my arms so they ate kinda burned but it was worth it :) Also I feel kinda bad saying this but I didn’t really like ‘Howls moving castle’ I managed to finish it because I live the story but the writing was kinda boring for me..

i’m waaaay too exhausted to journal in my notebook tonight, but i really wanted to take some time to reflect, so here i am!! 

i’ve had a really long, exhausting weekend. i went whale watching on friday, which was INCREDIBLE!! my first time whale watching! i went with my coworkers angela & janet who are both women in their 60′s and are suuuper sweet. angela treated me to whale watching & janet bought me lunch; it was the SWEETEST thing ever, i was completely not expecting them to do that! i saw so many humpback whales, whitesided dolphins, risso’s dolphins, and right-whaled dolphins (which don’t have dorsal fins!!). I also saw an albatross (fucking incredible, the giantest bird i’ve ever seen in my LIIFEE), sea otters, and sea lions, and a bunch of other kinds or birds whose names i can’t remember. anyway, whale watching was fun & amazing, but i was exhausted the entire time because i had to wake up at 6:30 to drive into santa cruz to meet angela & janet at the office to go! 

then today i volunteered at santa cruz gardens in the morning for earth day. i did some weeding and met/hung out with this really awesome volunteer named jeremy! we talked about mental health, college, travel, and a bunch of things. he was super sweet and fun to talk to. i’m glad i met him! then i went and helped out another americorps, erin, at her earth day event in san lorenzo park, and i got flashed by this stupid man who is homeless while crossing the bridge into the park. i was really upset about it, and it really put a damper on my day for a few hours. i was also really really exhausted today because i had to wake up early to get into santa cruz for volunteering, so being tired made me more sensitive to being flashed, i think? 

anyway, it’s been a really, full/busy weekend, and i haven’t had a lot of time to spend with myself, which has been weird. angus went to a birthday party in san jose tonight, and nat is in sacramento for the weekend, so i’m home alone tonight and i just realized how long it’s been since i checked in with myself… so crazy that you can feel like a stranger to your own self!!! but i feel like i haven’t talked to myself in a while!!! so i wanted to journal. i also think living with angus and having to share a room with him and a really small living space is really difficult for me, because i very very rarely get any *true* alone time.. there is almost always someone else in the house with me, or in the room with me. which is really really difficult for me. i know this sounds horrible, but i’m kind of looking forward to going to Armenia and spending some time in connecticut and not having to share a room with angus for a bit. it’s really exhausting for me, and i think i just lose touch with myself so easily when i am surrounded by other people all the time. it’s been a while since i’ve felt my inner peace… which makes me sad. 

but i know i go through these phases where i have trouble being alone, or i haven’t been alone with myself in so long that being all by myself seems scary or intimidating.. i remember when i first moved to yakima… i had just broken up with tendon, i’d been living with mom & dad & alex had just overdosed, so i’d spent a looot of time around people, trying to distract myself from the pain and fear in my mind.. and then i road tripped to Washington with Alicia, and when I dropped her off in Seattle, I was completely alone for the first time in a really, really long time. and i was nervous and scared at first. i didn’t know what to do with myself. i had to get used to being with myself again. and i know that i’m just at that point right now where i don’t get a lot of alone time.. and i need to find ways to get it, bc being able to spend time with myself & be comfortable w myself is so so important… my relationship with myself is the most important thing to me, and i know my relationship with myself isn’t great right now. i can sense that i have a lot of fear in me… fear of what, i’m not sure. maybe just fear of the generalized fear i have within me… fear of having panic attacks.. and so i don’t *want* to spend time alone with myself, out of fear of that fear. but i need to. that’s the only way to overcome it, right? to know that it’s just my mind, it’s just my PTSD, it’s just fear, and it can’t hurt me, and it isn’t real. and i have peace & love & stillness in me & i am not that fear. i am working hard to overcome that fear. that fear is not a part of me. 

maybe this awareness is the most i can ask/expect of myself right now. i don’t know how long it is going to take me to heal from all of this… i thought 2 years would be enough time. but the trauma comes and goes. it’s frustrating. anyway, as i was saying, maybe the most i can ask of myself is to have the awareness i do, and to be patient & loving with myself. it’s okay that i’m not where i have been in the past… it’s okay that i feel like i’ve gone backwards a bit. because i know i’ve gotten past it before. i know i’ve gotten to a place of inner peace & inner joy/love/serenity… a place where i’ve been comfortable and happy with myself, and not scared of my mind. and i know i can get there again :) 

I had this awkward food-porn moment with a few coworkers where all I could say was compliments on how good IHOP toast is and I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life post-incident

4.20.2019

Another weird day. Don’t really wanna spend time with anyone. So, I’m mostly just kind of ignoring everything and everyone, to the best of my ability. I considered drinking but, meh. I’m just unmotivated and anti-social. I hope things settle, whatever the deal is. I’m not usually like this, and it's… Sorta concerning? Idk. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

4.20.19

May Eve/Beltane/Walpurgis Night is truly right around the corner. The Chuck Will’s Widows have shown up right on schedule, the same night on the calendar as last year. It isn’t May Eve where I live without this particular night jar’s call mixed with the singing of the crickets and the frogs in the neighboring pond.

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