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gjdhdhghdh it’s so hard being around u now i want to cry whenevrr ur nice to me

27.06.2019

la vie me montre parfois que j'ai tort et jugé trop vite, mais c'est bien, ça me fait grandir. SINON JE SUIS EN VACANCES DEPUIS QUELQUES JOURS ÇA FAIT BIZARRE. MAIS C'EST BIEN AUSSI, C'EST COOL, J'ENCHAÎNE MAIS JE PROFITE

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Jennie’s journal entry #6

June 26th 2019

Feeling a tad sore after yesterday’s intensive workout after so long.. MY CALF FUCKING HURTS ALL DAY

  • Woke up at 5am stayed awake for 2 hours again before heading back to sleep. Woke up again at 12 pm
  • Literally did nothing all morning. Well actively (I was editing and having arguments with people on twt hehe) I stayed in bed till 2-3 pm to go to lunch.
  • Ate a bowl of veggie pho again (about 450 calories)
  • Then to snack since I was craving on something to chew (habit I gotta kill somehow) I ate 10 jackfruits, handfuls of walnuts (190+654=844)
  • Dinner came by and I ate a small bowl of a veggie spring roll and salad. (About 377 calories.)
  • Total amount of calories: 1,671
  • Worked again for 4 hours so (burned about 1,000 maybe more due to it being more busy today)
  • I didn’t do any workouts today due to being so tired from yesterday.
  • Total amount of calories after activity: 671 🥰
  • I think the reason why I ate so much today was due to all the calories I lost yesterday. Not gonna lie by the time I got to dinner I was having a small meltdown while eating cause I felt like shit.
  • During work by the time it was 2 hours before my shift was ending I was feeling so lightheaded and just kinda numb? My calf’s have been aching all day every time I move and in general it’s been tiring today.
  • I was craving to just have sugar or something sweet in my mouth but pulling myself back because it could’ve been too many calories if I drank coffee
  • As of now I’m sipping on Diet Coke mixed in with China seeds to fill this fucking craving of mine ;; not gonna lie I prefer Coke Zero since it taste more like Coke I like Diet Coke which is this weird after taste in general but beggars can’t be choosers now :)

Stay safe cutie pies 💞

I watched rain with R and painted and argued with mom over stupid things and came home to a dark house. Got too excited over pride with dad and was reminded that he is homophobic. Drank 3 bottles of water in my true fashion of forgetting to drink water all day. Looked at cities I might want to live in. Have to start applying to universities again. I’m not sad tonight- my days are just uneventful. I am finding that my quest to find summer love is at a standstill. Don’t know who I am atm. Feeling lost. Maybe my quest for summer love was just to explore because I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Dreading work. Taking pictures of mundane objects. This life is just a checklist of mundane tasks. It’s nearly 1am. I’ll braid my hair and maybe sleep.

6.26.2019

Today was the epitome of bad. I woke up to my roommate screaming in my children’s faces. Then because for the second or third day in a row I woke up mid sleep cycle with not enough sleep, I had a headache all day. Headaches and illness in general make me particularly small and Daddy needy and the longer I deal with them the more emotional and needy I get. While running errands I told a friend who I’m pretty sure is into me that I wanted Daddied. He offered to cuddle me when I got home, which sounded nice. My phone died not long after, though, and when I got home, there was a message from Deiniol and I was really excited to hear from him until I remembered that he was probably not very happy with me. He wasn’t. But he wasn’t as upset as I expected. I thought he’d be mad and he… Wasn’t, but, I almost wish he was. Mad is frustrating, but disappointed /hurts/. He gave me lines, 25 a day. And then as we were talking, a thunderstorm started and I was crying and just… That made everything worse and then when I told Sylus about my lines, he laughed at me. I decided not to sit with him because it just didn’t feel comforting anymore and when he asked why I said I didn’t want to talk about it. Later when he came online I asked him to sit with me and even offered to move so he could sit next to Kit and he said no, and when I asked if I was mad at him, he said he didn’t want to talk about it.

I am so lonely and sad and hurt and just… Not good. I just want someone to be near me and be gentle with me.

6.26

If you were to make one decision that would most impact your life for the better, what would it be? My answer was simple, yet something I genuinely struggle with daily. I would consciously make the decision to be as dedicated to myself as I am my career.

I have struggled with connection my entire life. Through a series of psychological traumas, I became overly-analytical and destructive of any attempts. Multiple figures in my life have always ensured that I knew my place. They proved themselves a constant reminder of the mistake I was and the hardship that was endured because of my very existence. Time and time again the ideology that I was not – and never would be – “enough” was reinforced. It was something I came to accept and expect from everyone.

Emotions were a foreign, unwelcome concept in my home and therefore I divulged myself into work to escape them. To ignore them; stuff them away. To effectively ensure they did not exist (or at the very least, they appeared not to). Year after year my career has slowly consumed more and more of my life. It has become the only thing that gives my life any value, the only thing I’ve learned to base my self-worth off of. A metric scale I can base it on. How well am I doing my job today? Am I successful? Accomplish everything I needed to? Maybe even earn my worth?

This belief took over to the extent that I no longer felt taking my lunch breaks or even a moment to breathe was an acceptable use of my time. I bought training sessions in some bold self-love expenditure thinking this decision would radically impact my self-image when really, even then, I worked even these sessions. It was something my trainer had come to expect. I didn’t apply the dedication or attention that was necessary to truly bring out the happiness I was seeking with this journey. Didn’t really have the heart to see it through. It’s not like it had anything to do with my job.

I never realized how detrimental this was to my well-being until I was enlightened on just how far I had strayed from (and longed for) human-connection.



*not done*

BHL édenté

“ Le mec demande si le briquet qu'il vient de trouver par terre est à moi. Quand je lui réponds non de la tête avec un sourire qui veut bien dire que je suis pas plus partante que ça pour une discussion de quai de gare il dit : Alors il est à moi, comportons-nous comme en temps de guerre.

Ouais, si tu veux, vis ta vie.

Un mec genre Béhachelle édenté qui vit sur de beaux restes une vieillesse apparemment pénible. Tout en lui transpire le "c'était mieux avant”.

Ce que je pressentais arrive : Il me parle. Malgré une attitude plus-détachée-tu-meurs, je suis prise au piège du vieux beau auquel je laisse trois minutes le bénéfice du doute.

Je pige en deux secondes qu'il me parle pour s'écouter alors je reste dans le registre hochement de tête et sourire à la con en buvant ma canette d'Heineken.

Il en vient à vigipirate après des détours grossiers et évoque sans honte les gens normaux : Lui, moi, nous, pris en otage par les minorités.

Là je m'entends lui rire à la gueule. Le gars ne sent pas le mépris, il est en boucle sur Munich 72, la pornographie qui nous agresse et la guerre civile qui se prépare.

-Vous savez Mademoiselle, à la rigueur, ce qu'on devrait faire avec ces minorités, c'est les foutre dans un c(h)amp et les laisser s'entre tuer.

-Vous savez Monsieur, le problème, c'est qu'on va galérer à trouver un champ assez vaste pour y mettre tous les connards dans votre genre qui ne seront bientôt même plus une minorité.“