Stressed ramblings, feel free to skip
I haven’t been writing as much as I want to. I’m mainly just runnning on a queue at the moment, so sorry for any followers that just get spammed with nature photos haha!
There’s been a lot on my mind lately that’s been a little stressful and makes me not want to write. I’m working at starting up my business which is going alright, but potential clients keep calling from nearly too far away. I did a job for one person in that town and now more and more people from that town are knowing about me which is great! However I would like to focus my advertising efforts on specifically closer places so I don’t have to coordinate the long drive there and back all the time, and get much closer work. Because, see, I have one huge setback that’s been distressing me… I can’t drive. Someone my age should know how to drive. People younger than me even make it look so easy and I just wonder if I’m crazy for not finding it so. Extreme anxiety prevented me from trying to learn it when most people did, but now that I’m a little more up to it I just… can’t. There’s so many rules to remember so much to focus on and trying to coordinate everything and knowing where the car is and the fact that if you mess up you could get in serious trouble… My reaction time is shit, and my reaction to any perilous situation is to panic, and then freeze and get weirdly calm while I try to slow my mind down enough to think of what to do, but I have to take several seconds and completely focus on being calm, sometimes even close my eyes and logically think over the situation and outlining the steps in my head one by one to do that, without doing anything else, and if I get distracted or scared again I have to start all over again. Note that I have NOT tried this on the road and haven’t put myself in situations where I might have to, because freezing in the middle of the road for 30 seconds while I think over what to do next is NOT an option, and don’t worry I’m aware of that. You see why I can’t drive outside of empty parking lots, and haven’t gone anywhere populated because I KNOW that’s how I’ll react to everything. But without completely stopping and doing that, it seems I am physically unable to figure out the solution to the problem and just panic more and cry.
Due to my complete lack of
life driving skills I have to be driven there which I know can be a hassle and doesn’t have to happen if the work is closer by and I can simply walk. It doesn’t help that I look super young for my age, to the point where I was once asked my age trying to get a free sample at Costco (which, if you didn’t know, required people 14 and under to get parental permission before trying one.) and having what looks like “some kid” show up with their “mom” probably doesn’t make the best first impression. I just sheepishly explain that I don’t own my own vehicle yet, they seem nice but I still notice the demeanour change, as I try to be as professional as possible but now I’m a kid in their mind now. I guess that’s fair, I mean the fact that I haven’t done things that most people do around my age… I haven’t moved out, learned to drive… I’m basically a kid or just barely an adult at my age anyway. ;-; You might be wondering why I would even try to start a business in this predicament. Well you see, I live in Absolutely The Middle Of Nowhere and because of that, work was scarce. Not only that but whatever job I got I’d have to be driven 20 minutes to the nearest town there and back every day, making them drive an hour twenty minutes total every day at possibly obscene times when they themselves have to work. And I didn’t want to put that strain on them, so after searching for months and months and pondering the (pretty much nonexistent) transportation here, I decided to start up a little business within the neighbourhood to make some money while I searched but now, it’s stuck. Ironically most of my clients call from out of town anyway, and I wonder if the people around my area simply don’t see the signs and stuff posted or don’t really care. At least it’s something I enjoy, although meeting up with clients and doing phone calls still stresses me out a little. I used to be extremely anxious about it but I’ve gotten a bit better in such social situations , which is a good sign.