Sometimes I feel bad for this blog because I always came here when I need a peace of mind. But that doesn’t mean that I only came to this blog when I need to vent something, I do post other stuff aside from my personal ones. It’s just that there is no one I can turn to instead of myself and this blog. Up until now, I was always paranoid to tell people things and sometimes when I do, I don’t find comfort in telling them at all. It was frustrating but I need to pour it out.
It’s January 2019, if I haven’t said ‘Happy New Year’, then I’m going to say it now.
I couldn’t write this directly in my Tumblr dashboard (I had typed this in word document before), apparently my internet connection in the place where I am in now sucks. It’s so slow that I don’t think I can do anything with internet. And even if I found someplace where I can connect to the internet, it’s just always not comfortable to do it there. Because the place with the fastest connection happened to be the place where I had my intern. Oh well, that doesn’t stop me from downloading films and so on because the internet is so damn fast and I just had nothing to do most of the time.
Yeah, I’m doing an internship for a month or maybe 4 weeks to be exact I guess. This internship is actually part of my university curriculum but we plan everything by ourselves starting from where we are going to work and so on. Basically the school just need to receive our reports and they will input our score based on the on-site adviser. I dunno how but that’s just how it is. And because of this, all of my close friends and I need to split on our own way. I partnered up with someone I’m not really close with and go on a different path from my friends. Of course, there are quite a number of people doing this internship in here with me and thus I need to establish a connection.
We all have those group of friends where we are much comfortable around, I’m sure of that. In my class, we have that too. I have those group of friends where I really feel comfortable to be around, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t befriended other classmates of mine. Now, it so happened that all of the friends whom interned with me are not from my group of friends. They are from much different group that I usually hang out with. I tried hanging out with them but there are times where I feel tired and sometimes invisible. The only time I’m not really invisible is when I’m doing my intern job.
It was frustrating to be invisible to your friends, it’s just like I shouldn’t be in this group of friends because I don’t belong there. I do wish we could be a better and closer friends after this internship but I highly doubt it. I just think that I will just be friends, ordinary one. Because friendships are built on trust too, and I’m someone who don’t trust anyone easily (but I’m gullible, now that’s kinda hard to explain) and when I gave someone my trust then I will find it easier to confide in things that bothered me. But, I don’t really trust my internship friends because I know they like to talk about people. I mean it’s fine to talk about someone (because I also did that too) but something is off whenever I’m with them. There’s this feeling that they might did the same to me if I am not around and I think there’s something we’re hiding from each other. It’s what made me untrusting of them.
I don’t really have that much problem regarding that. I mean, I tried getting used to being invisible and I just let it slide when at times I feel I’m the weird one or the goof ball, because I am. I am weird and I am just not part of that group, I’m just someone who so happens follow them around and trying to make myself comfortable around them. But I think the reason why I wanted to vent this out is due to an incident where we are heading home. We were just talking as usual in the car and when I asked them a question and they didn’t reply me and treated me as if I hadn’t said that made me feel mad and sad. I actually could think positively that maybe they didn’t hear or didn’t know I said anything but instead my mind wanders and thought that maybe they just didn’t want to answer my question. Maybe I have asked that question a couple of times. They were sick of it and chose to ignore me. Those were some negative thoughts that swirled around my mind. To make it worse, I don’t really trust them, so when they are talking something among themselves, I thought they were talking about me. I didn’t clarify anything until now, but I chose to not bothered myself about it. It’s just going to be 3 weeks more.
But that’s not really the reason why I get offended in the first place. No, it’s not because of them but it’s about the value in the question I ask. I was asking about when our internship program would end and was hoping that it will end in 1st February. To me, asking that question is very important since I really wanted the internship to end soon. It’s not because I’m lazy or anything. In fact, I think it would be much better to spend more than 4 weeks (but I don’t really like the monotonous life of an intern; looking at the laptop screen every day and not going anywhere during office hours except to the canteen). But the reason I wanted to end soon is because I celebrate Chinese New Year, and CNY is on 5th February. CNY is a one and only important holiday for me since I don’t really celebrate any other festivities and CNY is the time where my family from my mother side gathered together. It’s always the same every year but I missed it last year so I really wanted to celebrate it with my big family. Maybe I was sad that my friends couldn’t relate to me on that since they don’t celebrate CNY, but they celebrate Eid-al Fitr or Idul Fitri too, they should know how it feels to celebrate a big holiday with their entire family.
It’s not much to others, but to me it’s just that important and I respect my friends on that so I wish they would too. Although I am not mad anymore, I still kept my hopes up that my intern would end in February 1st. But, oh, well. Just wish me well, guys.