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2

[08/21/19]

1.03

back in the states and cOLLeGe orientation is in fOUr dAYs. kind of  freaking out 

currently listening to:

spiderverse soundtrack

So far away

I honestly feel pathetic, in 2018 i only ate an apple everyday for a whole month, why? Because i had a stupid crush on this boy and i thought he would fall for me if i was skinnier because he always looked my way whenever someone would mention how flat my stomach was i thought he would LOVE me if i was skinny/perfect but now i know he only looked my way because of how loud they where being. I suffered so much that month i went through school climbed those stairs that seemed eternal because of how tired i was with nothing but 95 calories to help me push through the whole day i felt so dizzy in soccer practice but i still did my best to try and impress him with how good i was at being a goalie (the same position as him) actually soccer was the way i ended up meeting him and that’s how he knew my name and my name only.Some of my friends knew what i was doing they would tell me that i was eating to little calories and that i could faint every time i leaned on them for support when lunch rolled around at first i was okay with not eating but after awhile my friends that didn’t know started noticing that something was wrong and would try to make me eat they even offered to buy me candy but i said no and i kept getting angrier and angrier each passing day i wanted to scream at them “i don’t want to eat i already told you so leave me alone and i fucking know that i’m eating a little bit of calories leave me alone can’t you see i want to be skinny” but i didn’t. I cried every night not only because of the pain but also because i had this one thought going through my head “what if in the end none of this was worth it? what if he doesn’t love me? listening to the same songs that i felt so connected with at the time i can no longer listen to those songs without feeling horrible and pathetic which is such a shame they are beautiful songs that i tainted all for that boy. One day when i was walking home with one of my friends who knew one of her friends came up to us and started talking and then put a hand around me normally i would’ve just let them but i was so weak that her added body weight was to much for me to handle that i felt as if i was going to collapse so i pushed her off of me roughly and walked away i felt so bad but i couldn’t control the emotions my hunger was giving me once i got home and i was in my room i collapsed i cried so much because i couldn’t move that’s when i decided to stop with that “diet” i felt better after awhile of eating normally and my worst fears came true even after all that suffering i still wasn’t beautiful enough, he rejected me :( Now i can’t restrict myself that much i don’t have enough will power to exercise that much because i have no motivation except wanting to be skinny/perfect but i came up with something to keep me motivated ‘i will not become skinny for someone i love but instead become skinny enough so that someone can love me’ 

8.20.19

I’ve officially been to all of my uni classes this semester. I’m feeling really good about this year!

~My organic chemistry professor seems much more reasonable, laid-back, and available to help than the professor I had last semester.

~Cellular biology seems a little tough but she’s provided many opportunities and resources to help us.

~My cellular biology lab seems like it might be my worst class this semester which I am not excited about. Who gives pop quizzes by pulling students’ names out of a hat?

~Organic chemistry lab will be okay. My lab TA’s don’t seem like they know what they are doing.

~My class on Ancient Civilizations’ histories sounds super cool and my professor is very knowledgeable.

~One of the classes I’m most looking forward to is Beginner’s Ballet. I’ve never danced a day in my life! My professor is super sweet and has a lot of professional ballet experience.