Some things I’ve been struggling with this week lol Can anyone else relate?
There’s a feeling that I can’t seem to shake. I’ve never felt it with him before, or with anyone for that matter. I’ve never let anyone close enough for it to get this far. I’ve always chosen to live in my head when it came to relationships. To hold people at a distance and keep them in a place where I can be in control.
But I’ve let him in and now here I go trying to fuck up a good thing. That must be what I’m doing right? Or I wouldn’t feel so damn guilty over it, would I?
Every conversation since he left ends in closed mouth grimaces, with words getting caught in the back of my throat, and the occasional release of a quiet “I don’t know”.
These are met with claims that I’m in a bad mood, that I hate him, and that I’m being difficult.
Que the joke one of us makes about us breaking up.
What is this? It’s like I’m reciting a play about two people I don’t know or even recognize. This is not us. These are not mid-twenties players that joked, made each other laugh after hard days, and answered the other person thoughtfully, present.
Space could be good. My mind is urging me to take a step back. Maybe then I can put the pieces together and just maybe,
I can make him miss me enough to open up.