I have to allow myself to believe in the better days ahead — Positive mind, positive grind right?
I have to allow myself to believe in the better days ahead — Positive mind, positive grind right?
Almost done with the loom assembly! Except… #extraparts #nowwhat #newweaver #burnhamloom #icandothis #pastorsdayoff (at Riverside, California)
Wait! First things first! #burnhamloom #newweaver #fiberart #backtoschool #icandothis #missofdivinity (at Riverside, California)
I made this blog about my kids, and my life, but the funny things in life. I’ve decided it’s time to throw some seriousness into some of these posts because life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. I’m learning that more and more each day.
As mama’s we all too often tend to focus our lives and attention on your children. Being their taxi drivers to sports, dance, Scouts, different shit at school that they don’t really need to participate in, but we do it to see them succeed. We lose track of us and if you’re like me, you gain weight. You gain some serious weight. Between baseball, and dance camp, we legitimately ate dinner out for 6.5 weeks straight. It’s not anything but embarrassing. The amount of money we spent eating out would make you vomit. Stephen and I started weight watchers in April. Since baseball started, I have gained a total of 9 pounds! I logged on today and noticed I hadn’t logged a single thing in 7 weeks. Since we started eating out. I realized when I stepped on the scale last week, 148 pounds was unacceptable. To some, you would say “I would die to be that weight, or I would die to be a size 5!” That to me is unacceptable because when I first met Stephen, I was a size 3 and 130 pounds. I can’t say much because Stephen has gained a ton of weight too, but we continue to joke about how marriage has made us “fat” and we have accepted it. In reality neither of us have. We agreed to be in this together when I secretly feel like I’m alone. Stephen lost 21 pounds before baseball started! 21 EFFING POUNDS!! unfortunately baseball made him gain it back. A lot of people are thinking “how would baseball make you gain it back? That’s just an excuse.” When you have to be to at the field at 5:00PM, but get out of work at 5:00PM, and you’re not done until 8:30PM, the drive thru and pizza become your best friend. So maybe it is an excuse, but it’s reality.
Why do I feel alone, you ask? Because the amount of points I get through weight watchers in a day he gets for 1 whole meal. I have to measure everything that I eat. I have to portion everything, he does not. He gets to have alcohol. I do not. It’s an uphill battle but with my recent health issues I’m determined to take my life and my weight back. Weight watchers isn’t for everyone but it’s a program where you can eat whatever you want (within reason), and lose weight. I’ve tried the 21 day fix. I was sick of the shakes. I tried “it works” but was getting sick from the cost. I tried Acti-labs weight loss system but again, the cost. For $21 a month, I get a support system and a source to keep me on track. Between eating right, walking my ass off, and drinking all the water in the world…I CAN do this! As a reward to myself, once I lose the weight and hit my goal, $300 shopping spree. It’ll be worth it in the end :)
my breakfast for today! missed the workout this morning. but worked out yesterday morning and monday evening! hoping to get a work out in after class!! i’m feeling good!
looking into booking a vacation for the beginning of next year. my goal is to feel comfortable in a swimsuit by then.
Actually its 1:51 AM on a Sunday——
I’ve realised the internet does give you a dark place for your emotions to cluster. And what’s difficult is that it’s mostly in the same type of social media. On Facebook you’d be sad for a second seeing a post on a seacreature such as sharks or whales being washed upon the shores of who knows where due to the earth dying. Next minute you’re viewing memes whether it’s by the kalokohan made by the Filipinos or just some random shit somewhere else around the world. Instagram on the other hand, makes you feel cautious about who really is interested in your life’s stories. Me as someone who is very anxious about anyone would easily overthink or overmean stuff. But that varies among different personalities. On Twitter, you get to see different people’s emotions from ups to downs. What made me start writing tonight is because i saw a previous school mate of mine post a video about her current relationship that’s all cuddles and kisses and chilling,expressing their love for each other and how in to her that guy was, knowing damn well that girl i knew was bashed beforehand due to her confused sexuality, eating disorders, and the various rumours about boys and backlash that was surrounding her; she managed to smile and eventually have that special someone that was open to accept her flaws no matter who she was.
Now, im not saying that openness should vary whether you know all about the truth of the person or not, im saying this type of openness should be accompanied by trust and faithfulness that you are about to partake in the responsibility of someone’s feelings, anxiety, and emotions. Even if you’re not knowing every single detail of the person’s life. What matters most is you base your love on how they grew up. Because not everyone was raised on love. That’s why we see some individuals having trouble on how to love a person properly because we don’t see the damage that was administered by their past.
The past days that i have been down i came to realise, I was indeed pressured about not losing the person i loved. In fact, i still do love that person with all of my heart (and hypothalamus if you want to get scientific) but i was too busy focused on what i wanted for US, that i wasn’t paying attention to the little details about what he was trying to say. I know he isn’t good with words and it was my fault that i kept on looking forward not giving light to our present. I miss him every day that comes by. Not just physically but emotionally. You know, it’s really different when you have someone to talk to about your day, how it was going, someone who updates you when you aren’t asking. It just feels good that you know you are still thought of even when you are not constantly talking right? Or is it just me.. well, if it is just me, then i can just keep it to myself and admire from the distance just by him being online, him replying to whatever random topic i ask about him or tell something or even just being left on read. The simple things get simpler, and simpler, as each hour passes on. Even getting him from viewing my stories becomes a struggle sometimes cause it’s just one tap away on our convo but it still doesnt happen. :<
I was laughing for myself today and it has been a while. I took a video of this clip from CongTV that made me admire my own laugh and made me thought “So this is what i sound like when im not sad.” It’s not bad afterall. Although the thought of him comes to mind because he’s the one who usually watches this and the commentary on the video is really loud which makes me recognize it more. But i just simply enjoy the laugh i had and just thank him for letting me be interested in these jackass channels lol. I also covered a chorus by a song he introduced me to, “Lie To Me” by 5 Seconds of Summer. I tried covering Scars by James Bay (beautiful song btw) but I couldn’t risk my confidence cause I mess up alot when im nervous and i might come off as someone bragging (char rajug hawod oy) but i just think like that i guess. I’m the lowkey-type in other words. Being low-key also reminds of one of his traits. He is really good at a few things: we’re almost exactly the same and sometimes opposite. We’re your Jack Of All Trades, except that he really excels in Math and Basketball. Anyways, i tried getting his attention by chatting him a few times to look at my story. I posted it on Twitter but I wasn’t comfortable enough to put it up that long so, i guess 24 hours is alright. Hopefully in the morning he can go check it out? Im too enthusiastic about this (maybe a lot of things) and that’s just one of the traits i have that he has a problem with. But we’re not here to talk about problems, for now.
To cut this short, let’s just say im still adjusting to how our communication has been lessened which i feel like im just one of his “girl-chat nominees”. That label might have sounded harsh but i still can’t get over the feeling i had when i knew he was chatting with that She. Still grinds my gears. But if i just trust a little longer on how this goes up, then im sure it won’t be a problem. Right? Right. I’ve realised alot in a day, really. Some things dont just end up the way you want it to be and i really miss having this “happy pill” so you call it, that “virtual serotonin” that you know can cheer you up just by them talking to you and messing around with them.
I love you and i miss you every day,
but i think I’ll have to wait around and see how this plays,
whatever it takes.
14 days to the start of exams
23 days to home
I will force myself to smile and laugh because I refuse to allow anyone to think they can hurt me
Lately, I’ve had a huge obsession with making playlists. For everything..
Getting ready in the morning..
Right now, I’m working on a playlist to play while I workout or while I’m active in one way or another. If ya’ll have any favorites, please send them my way. <3
I let myself go for just one weekend and this happens! Two lbs in two days! I’m almost getting closer to my period so I hope that’s the main reason. I crave for a nice boba milktea. I am tempted at work with snacks and treats. But I need to keep the end goal in mind.
I’m so excited! I’m focusing on calorie intake control and limiting carb consumption. Definitely seeing results in just two weeks! By week three, I’m up to 8 lbs lost! There are temptations, but I am proud to say that I’ve denied all of them! 💪💪
I’d just like to congratulate myself for dealing with my toxic family for this long. I’d like to let my self know that I’m an amazing person/human and I’ll get through the feeling of my mother constantly being more interested in comparing me with my big sister and telling me that I should ignore my self to please her and the family(instead of caring about the fact that I’m ill).
Notable progress! I’m actually quite amazed at this! I hope my scale is not broken or that’d be a mean April fools. Weighted everyday in the morning around the same time. Four lbs in a week.. hope it continues!
5 pieces of licorice (60)
2 chewy granola bars (100 cal)
1 protein bar (200)
Green tea with 2 tablespoons of sugar (100)
A cappuccino for (140)
Coffee with 5 creamer things but they were only 15 calories (105)
Total: 645 at 11:13
Ugh! Add another 220!!!!
Total: 12:25 - 865
Literally never going over 1000 cal again this is my new thing. I’m just going to say no to all the damn “treats” kill em
Going to the gyn after work.
This time next week I want to have lost 10 pounds. There is a guy whom I really like and our personalities mess but he said not my body type :(
So I better get my arse in gear and stop failing at life #icandothis
Medicine Ball - Morrisons
Yoga Mat - The Range
Ankle Weights - Asda
Im gonna end up driving myself into labor.