Posts on Twitter:

Is there something similar to this badge that folk with mental health issues can use? Something that tells people that, โ€˜ok I might be washed & up and going to work but Iโ€™m still sufferingโ€™?




Usually love my supplements but the chewable vitamin D (insert scraping tongue emoji here) YUCK! Mental note ๐Ÿ“ Next time stick with the liquid!Just reminding myself they are good for me




Half a pound lost this week, so not quite back to where I was. I keep thinking back to my weekend in Nottingham, lack of yoghurt, fruit + my other usual foods, and Iโ€™m proud of that half pound. Hereโ€™s to getting back to it this week...itโ€™s now heading down again โ˜บ๏ธ






















I taught full time for 3 years before I started my PhD and yet I still have to psych myself before I meet a new class. Even though itโ€™s my favourite subject (kinetics). And even though Iโ€™ve colour coded my notes!! ๐Ÿ“



Retweet Retweeted Like Liked






Monday Motivation! Having the right attitude can be the difference between being a starter and a bench player. ๐Ÿคฏ๐Ÿค”




Say it Out Loud! I CAN DO THIS! Let me answer you, Hell Yes You Can!!!









Retweet Retweeted Like Liked









Been feeling really down on myself bc I havenโ€™t been going to the gym faithfully for a good month, but I was scrolling through my pictures and came across the lovely photo on the right. Feeling motivated ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป๐Ÿ˜Š



Posts on Tumblr:

Only 11 and not on track

5 pieces of licorice (60)

2 chewy granola bars (100 cal)

1 protein bar (200)

Green tea with 2 tablespoons of sugar (100)

A cappuccino for (140)

Coffee with 5 creamer things but they were only 15 calories (105)

Total: 645 at 11:13

Ugh! Add another 220!!!!

Total: 12:25 - 865

Literally never going over 1000 cal again this is my new thing. I’m just going to say no to all the damn “treats” kill em

Going to the gyn after work.

This time next week I want to have lost 10 pounds. There is a guy whom I really like and our personalities mess but he said not my body type :(

Back to dating

Ok…so I’m diving back in to the dating world. I decided to give Bumble another try when one of the women from the DV group said she met someone on the app.

Her perspective on dating is actually really good. She says it’s a numbers game and not take it personally when someone doesnt call you back. There will be plenty of people I won’t call back too. Everyone is looking for something different and to just keep swiping.

I restarted my account and have already connected to several men. I think the first time around I wasn’t ready. I would.have anxiety just checking the account in the first place.

Of course, I’m worried about safety. I plan on meeting all dates in public areas.

instagram

Check out the new sample on SoundCloud (kept the dream) #rap #hiphop #trap #producer #young #love #life #new #beats #bass #dreams #work #grind #soundcloudrapper #goals #plans #oregon #losangeles #icandothis #followforfollowback #share #likeforlikes
https://www.instagram.com/p/BvQo6RgnbUv/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=10mnndv8fptye

Made with Instagram
This week:

I have to…

-Teach this last week before Spring Break and PRAY my children aren’t off their rocker

-Continue to function at home/run house

-Prepare myself and Cal for 9 days in Texas with my Mom/Family/Friends

          This includes: laundry, packing, organizing, car maintenance

-Get last minute details nailed down/prepped for @joyabounds baby shower next Saturday! 

-Tackle whatever else life throws at me :) 


I must be a glutton for punishment trying to do all of this. Oh well. Bring. it. on. 

Reforged

In a few short months it will be the three-year anniversary of my realization that I’m Transgender. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in the past three years. There have been many things that I’ve gone through that were more traumatizing than I thought possible. Losing old friends, losing family, suddenly being a minority, suddenly discovering that I’m hated for simply existing, realizing that I’m a fetish to men, just ugh! But there have been many things that I’ve gone through that were so epically beautiful that I can’t properly describe them with words. Getting on HRT, being myself in public for the first time, going full time, being kissed by a guy to the point of taking my breath away! So many things!

I’ve had a lot of revelations, about myself, about the world we live in, about the people in my life, about the nature of humanity. I’ve come to understand that I’ve been a person drowning and reaching out for anything that will sustain me. Each time I’ve grabbed ahold of something I’ve done so with the belief that THIS would be the thing to save me, to fix me, to make it all better again, to finally allow me to be content, to finally have some peace and happiness.

There isn’t anything in this world that can save me though.

That was my mistake. I researched transition with a fervor matched only by religious zealots. I knew the pitfalls, I knew where I would go, at least in theory. What I didn’t know was that transition isn’t just about becoming the person you are both inside and out. Transition is about learning who you are in the first place. It’s about learning how to accept the person that you are and learning to live with parts of yourself that you may not necessarily like.

It’s like a bad sunburn, road rash all over your body, being covered in papercuts, or being whipped all over. There is pain, so much so that you became desensitized to it, and you’ve long since stopped noticing it. But because you live in this state, you don’t have enough spoons to deal with life. When you begin to learn this fact for the first time, you resist doing the things you should do to heal. You’ve become so accustomed to your life that you can’t imagine it being any different. You actually fight it because this pain is all that you’ve known for so long, you can’t imagine life without it.

Accepting that things MUST change hasn’t been enough. I accepted that things MUST change when I realized that I’m trans. Acceptance was never my problem. My problem has always been that I’m quite comfortable being miserable. That’s one of the things I discovered that I’m not liking about myself. “They aren’t happy unless they’re crying.”

The key to my understanding of this came when I began to understand how badly I beat myself up about things. I’m my own worst critic. I’m the one berating myself constantly. I’m the one telling myself that I’m worthless, lazy, stupid, ugly, fake, a liar, a cheat, and an all-around waste of oxygen…. And I’m being more kind in the telling of this than I would be inside my own head.

Coming to this conclusion has been monumental for me. I didn’t understand just how deep this went for me. I can’t honestly accept a compliment. The second someone compliments me I immediately deflect it. And when I know that someone won’t let me deflect, it actually causes me angst. I honestly don’t know how to respond, I don’t know how to feel about it, and I can’t believe that the person giving me the compliment believes it themselves.

So, I’m trying something different.

Rather than being my own worst enemy and being happy to be miserable all the time, I’m going to try turn things around. I’ve learned that I became this way when I was very young, but that it is possible to change, to heal, to become better. This isn’t going to be easy for me. From what I can tell so far, I’m going to be doing a lot of struggling against my own inner critic. I’m going to fail a lot. But I’m going to try to not be hard on myself about that. I’m going to attempt to de-program all the negativity that was shoved into my head as a kid. I’m going to attempt to pull out of this slow-motion nose dive, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll finally learn to fly.

The military was supposed to “break you down and rebuild you”. And they did that to me. But I don’t think that’s the way to do it. Being broken just made things worse, and they didn’t rebuild me. They left me adrift in a world I didn’t understand. I put myself back together the best way that I knew how, and I did a really bad job of it. This time I’m going to try and fix myself the way that the experts say I should. I’m going to slowly, over time, change how I think about myself. I think it’s worth a shot.

When it’s all said and done, I hope to be someone stronger, more confident, better. I want to be someone who knows what they want and goes after it. I want to be the kind of person that is proud of who they are and what they’ve accomplished. I want to be someone that I like, someone that other people like, and someone who can make friends easily. I hope that, like a thing of legend, one day I will tell the story of how I was reforged. Wish me luck, I’m going to need it…. (sigh) Being positive is SO difficult!

Rest day, but no rest for me

Today started out with a bang. Got into an argument with someone I work with about what “up to” means. Same person that argued with me over the definition of ‘one per customer’. UGH!

But today is cardio rest day. I’m grocery shopping on my lunch break. The fun never ends.

Even though today is cardio rest, I am going to do some stretching and movement exercises. Nothing strenuous, but enough so I feel like I am doing something. 

IF is going ok. I was hungry when I came home last night. Didn’t snack or eat. I was starving when I woke up. Still haven’t eaten. I have 20 minutes left on my 17 hour fast. First thing will be a handful of almonds, and a bowl of blueberry oatmeal. And I can’t wait for it! 6 minutes left!

Other than that, work job #2 tonight and tomorrow. Snow is expected this weekend. And I am looking forward to a new hair cut on Saturday!

Getting back to me

I’m trying to get back to me. Sounds silly, being as old as I am. But at 43 I feel more lost than when I was in my 20′s. At least in my 20′s, I had an excuse. I was widowed. I was allowed to be as messy and mindless as I was. I’m in my 40′s now, what is my excuse?

Besides depression and injuries, I don’t know what my excuse is. Why I stopped caring, why I stopped being me. I am lucky now to be married to a man that accepts me as I am, lumps and flaws and hairy legs. But I am wanting more. I am needing more. I want to get back to me.

So this year, I am focusing on self-care. I work two jobs, I have three kids, one is homeschooled due to autism, and one is in the Navy (currently deployed) I have two dogs, two cats, two cars and one mortgage. I have infinite excuses as to why I can’t take care of myself. 

So, this is my journey. All 182 pounds of me. My goal is 142.

The first step is the hardest, but I can do this. I’ve done my meal prep for the week. I have my workouts figured out. Once I am down 20 pounds, I am going to add in weights. I am drinking 100 oz water a day, and cutting out refined sugars. I have a massive sweet tooth, so it will be a bit harder to get that done. 

But I deserve this. I am ready for this. 

On Moving On

“Remember, the easier way is not the stronger way.”

So recently, I find myself being thrown out of my equilibrium by the warm and cold treatment I received from him. I will be thinking why is he acting this way? Is this a reflection of his own internal struggle? Should I initiate a conversation? Should I initiate a catch-up session? What will I get out of it?

To be honest, to say I’m completely over him would be a lie. Out of sight, out of mind only works for a limited time only. When he made an appearance again, slowly, slowly it ate me up, especially since I was the dumpee. It’s hard. All I could do is keep up with his inconsistency. If he is warm, so will I be. If he’s cold, well, what else is there for me to do but to react the same way, right? No. That’s just escaping, taking the easy way out.

And so I came across this article which says, “Remind yourself who you are and who you want to be.” Then it occurred to me again, I want to be the one who shows up, I want to be the one who cares, I want to be the stronger one, I don’t want to escape. I want to move on. Be free from this shackle of one-sided love.

I tried before, to move on, I told myself, to say hi to him or smile when we walk past each other. But his demeanor sometimes threw me off. THIS TIME, AZI, don’t let it get to you. Again, remind yourself; Move on by not looking away from all you have cared for in your life, move on by not being afraid of caring more, of being the one who cares the most. Move on by not pretending to have moved on. Take your time. Suppressing sometimes backfires on you. Remember to exude the energy you want to spread. Remind yourself who you are, always. If his response is lackluster, so be it. Be brave. You know who you are. Be tender.   


Article link here

This whole pregnancy journey has been tough. From work issues, to personal issues, to family problems. Ive been a trooper and so is my baby! Trying to get through every struggle and staying positive. Trying to take whatever struggles, pain and critism. Iam trying to stay strong baby. I hope you are too! Please bare with me. We can do this. I hope you are still moving around in there my love. Mommy loves you very much! We will be okay.

I’ve come to realize that life hands you this story, you first need to be sheltered, then you face adversity, then you love until your heart stops beating. I guess that’s the best case scenario.

But even if your story doesn’t seem like that,don’t let your fear rule you. You’re not your fear. If I cut off your leg you’d still be you.

We’re all going through varying stages of different levels of shit. So fear, but remember you can get through anything and everything! ❤️

Getting by on 20 hours a week as a student is really becoming increasingly difficult, stress levels are high. How will I do this? I know I can do this, I’m sure one way or another, I will get by. I need to believe in myself & whatever it is the universe has planned for me - I know there’s a plan, I just don’t know what it is yet.

Progress

I started following the 30 day Yoga with Adriene. I feel like I can actually make a change in my life. I’m not so angry as I used to be.

I also finished reading what I needed to read for two of my upcoming exams.

Now I’m realxing a little bit.

This afternoon I’ll begin to sum up what I need to memorize for my ccomputer programming exam.

This evening I’ll try to summarize other notions I have to know for my literature exam.

instagram

all ah dis #icandothis #shouldstartpracticing #loveagoodchairroutine #neyo #mirror
https://www.instagram.com/p/BrTguHiguM0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1a5nofe5xeuh0

Made with Instagram