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I did something I shouldn’t have. I stalked you. I stalked you so deep I found you. And I realised you grew without me. I realised you moved on slightly without me. You did something I didn’t think you would, something I had told you to do. And it has sent me into a depressive cycle.

I made a stupid mistake. And you grew without me. But now I’m the only one whos suffering because of it.

instagram

Like dinosaur legs, massive and towering, wrapped in soft velvet bark whose trunks are so vast they seem to have been rooted in the earth since the day our planet was born…

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#redwoods #treeoflife #natura #californialove #westcoast #goalsetting #act #growth #striveforgreatness #inspired #perspective #ownit ##determination #focus #wander #justgo #exploretheworld #bebetter #improvement #lovelife #exploretheworld #motivate
https://www.instagram.com/p/BzKrrfUhOUE/?igshid=sqr1d1ktmzqz

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A Look Back

I was eating a big ass cookie in bed and got crumbs all over the place and my first thought was, 

“damn, depressed me was much better at eating in bed than current me” 

but then I realized that’s because depressed me didn’t eat very much.

This is kinda the first time I’m acknowledging and addressing that I experienced actual depression in my recent past.

I’m only saying kinda because I mentioned it in the car with friends a little while ago.

*This is a long one pals so strap in*

Keep reading

Growing in love

I heard

When you fall in love you end up broken

Like you both jump of a cliff

Tumbling to the bottom

Flying to your ineffable crash

Sometimes the fall is cushioned

By our partner

Sometimes we are the cushion

I don’t want to fall again

I want to grow

Grow up the cliff

With my partner like ivy

Growing stronger together

Building instead of crashing

Growing in love

Character development:

Fighting back against my mom.

Not letting her make me feel guilty for spending money on things that make me happy.

Calling her out on her judgement.

Reminding her she’s being a hypocrite.

High school me would have never done this and never thought I could do this in the future.

Counting down the hours I move out.

60 hours. Give or take.

“We are all alone, trapped in these bodies and our own minds, and whatever company we have in this life is only fleeting and superficial.” ― Jennifer Niven, All the Bright Places

Life is confusing. Interactions are necessary to stay sane and at the same time watching other people interact beings people so many negative emotions. Through social media we watch as friend groups grow and expand, as people get married and have kids, as people grow old and reunite with old coworkers and friends. But in the end none of it matters. Every person has their own views and experiences in life, and ultimately we are all alone. Reliance on others for happiness only leads to eventual disappointment and loneliness.

I used to rely on other people to make me happy. I used to spill all of my negativity onto people that were close to me. It always came as a shock when they left, and I was left with so much sadness and nowhere for it to go. But we are alone in this life, and I am learning to accept more positivity into my life by myself, without dragging other people down in the process. It will take time and I have a long way to go, but things will slowly get better. Life might be lonely right now, but it is peaceful. I am learning how to live with myself because in the end that is all any of us will forever have.

These book is such a good read by Florence scovel Shinn and osho is always a good read too my goal to read both books by the end of the month! Knowledge is infinite and your constantly learning! Keep your mind free from mental blockages whatever yours may be I know mine and I’m just ready to be free!

i forgive myself for being disconnected, i forgive myself for closing off when i feel in danger, i must recognize that this is a response to situations i have been in before, not a flaw in my person. i forgive others for misunderstanding my distance for coldness and hostility. i forgive others for recognizing my bluntness for hostility. i forgive myself for taking so long to find a way to be straightforward. i am proud that i can voice my truths now

Yanno, it took me a long time to get where I am. It took me so long to be happy with myself, to be happy where I live, to be happy with who I surround myself with, to be happy with my job, and to be happy with my other personal life choices. I don’t think I’ve EVER been this happy, and although I slip up and fall on the ground sometimes, it’s better than digging my own grave deeper and deeper, and I know how to pick myself up almost instantly now. I don’t want to sit back and think about my past mistakes. I don’t want to think about wether or not I fucked up my own past, if I deserved the abuse I got, if I deserved to be treated the way I was, or if I deserved to try to continuously kill myself. I’m finally fucking happy, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone take my happiness, my purity, my SELF away from me again. I will not be blinded by those who still wear a mask. I’m such a different person now, but that’s because I finally am learning to live for myself, and to pass my light and good vibes on to everyone I can.

i’ve been writing. i’ve been learning. i’ve been therapying. i’ve been learning accountability & gratitude WITHOUT resentment. {i wish i hadn’t spoken so explicitly on here, but it has helped me find ways of getting past previous hurdles. one of my great fears is not being heard, then guilt for asking to be heard, then anxiety about that, & finally anger regarding both those emotions. so this tumblr forces me to listen to myself & is really important to me, even when it’s too much and cringe. güd gohd, i hope it’s growth.} some things i learned too late, but it feels like pleasure to be able to articulate them & in so doing, giving my life a purpose. retrogressive rekindling, though not going backwards, just *PERSPECTIVE. i want to be a song of praise again; deep, integrated, authentic praise. i’m so grateful for the love and second chances i’ve been given, for the love i’ve allowed, and you, dear reader, for reading.

* actually, maybe going backwards, or in all directions, i can go in whichever way i want.

* carl jung says something about self-knowledge being inward & circular. i think. someone definitely said something about a thing once, that’s for sure.

Watch on greatcalzoneturtlerascal.tumblr.com

#patiance + #care = #growth
16/06/19 check.
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Day 1

I must admit the first day of this challenge is a very interesting one. I’ve recognised that there are many moments within a day but all it takes it one more additional moment for the day to be great or terrible, it’s unbelievable how small the blahs really are.

What I did well today:

  • I was willing and able to take a break from everything which is usually something I never do as I’m either too hooked up on my mobile phone and the temptations of social media or desperately trying to finish a book. The art of doing “nothing” — is sometimes necessary but not in large doses.

What I need to improve on:

  • Don’t allow your mind to wander off as much as it did as it has the capacity to spiral out of control into a very dangerous place. So stop the thought train when you feel like you’ve lost control of the steering wheel.