on honesty & letting go:
I read this today and my heart cracked a little more. Things like this shouldn’t sting like a slap in the face. I shouldn’t feel air rushing out of my lungs as if I was just sucker punched by reality. Why is the universe screaming LET HIM GO doesn’t she see I am not done loving him? Doesn’t she understand that drowning in his sea is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced?
I’m beginning to spiral again, I know that. I am a habitual creature and I have learned this pattern as well as I have learned the ridges in his spine. I am slipping again. Stumbling. Falling for memories dripping of honey kisses on warm Saturday mornings. Forgetting the unfulfilled empiness that ate away at my stomach and soul. Choosing to ignore the selfish beast my fairy tale lover really was. I am refusing to let him go.
Facts I must force feed myself because someone said you are what you eat and I desperately need to internalize this:
- Bijon and I were incompatible in many ways — important ways. We wanted different things and are living different lives right now. Being with him was a strain on my mental health.
- I love him.
- Familiarity is not worth the pain. Just because he is comfortable and feels more like home than any home I have ever lived in, it does not mean he is the one.
- He is the only person on this planet I enjoy kissing.
- Bijon doesn’t know what he wants. He is noncommittal and flakey. I cannot hitch my wagon to someone who is just drifting through life. He used me as an anchor, as a form of stability but I need someone who can stand on their own two feet.
- We planned to name our children after celestial beings. Io and Callisto after the moons. If we had a third, Castor like the set of stars.
- Every time I have broken up with him, it was because he put me in an impossible situation. First he said he didn’t know if he loved me. Then he admitted our relationship felt like a chore. Most recently, he tried to possess my body and suppress my sexuality and put me in real danger. He is volatile and needs to grow because this version of Bijon will only ever cause me pain.
- I have tried and failed countless times to replace him but no one’s hair curls just as perfectly as his. No one’s crooked sleep fits comfortably with mine.
- Bijon is still growing. I am too. If we are meant for something more, we will find it eventually. If not, I have to let this go. Maybe my soulmate is someone from Rancho Cucamonga. And maybe they are not.
- I love him.
Truth and honesty are curious things. Two things, no matter how conflicting, can be true at the same time. I love him and I am learning to let him go. That is my truth.