“Even if I could go back, I wouldn’t belong there anymore”

When I first heard this quote, it struck a pivotal chord within me. Everything that comes before today, before this exact moment, before right now, belongs to another version of myself. A version I no longer am. To return to anything before this present existing time would put me out of place, because I have transformed since then. My brain has lit up with new information and knowledge, my emotions have expelled feelings no longer in use for the space to occupy new developing ones currently experiencing what is around me, my body has slightly improved and continues to grow and react to new things… and my thoughts, they are ever changing. My reflections on the past and what has come before has only allowed me to metamorphosize further. 

All my life, I have been judged inaccurately for my methods of healing and evolving. It’s something I’m quite use to actually and it no longer phases me. People always evaluated the surface of these methods, unable to see into the depths of my mechanism, to understand how incredibly fine-tuned my instruments are. They only saw my looking into the past as problematic, believing I was holding myself back, unable to move forward, all the while forgetting that they were expressing these judgements to a person who considers themself a “creature of rebirth”. 

Unlike most people, I never fear reflection. I welcome it. It’s natural. You find balance there when used appropriately. The act of looking back does not hold one there. Yet many people believe it does. These people are the ones who are easily trapped within their own memories and the ghosts of the feelings associated with these events and people. They never really move on from any of it, but convince themselves they have. Not me. I have the courage to dance with my demons and soar with my angels. I have the courage to walk into the past, or the future, and take a closer look at things I might have missed. While there, I collect information… which in turn permits me to grow, to become a better version of myself. I learn my weaknesses, acknowledge my strengths, and better outline what it is I want and do not want. I observe how things could have been different and appreciate what things were. This information becomes the key to unlocking parts within that would have otherwise prevented me from evolving into a more enlightened and transcended self. 

The individuals that fear looking back, or looking forward, are the very same individuals that rarely evolve or take tremendous time to. It takes them much longer to learn something that they could have learned more quickly had they been more brave and opened to it before. These same individuals are the ones who mishandle breakups. They pretend to be over somebody, not realizing that they have never truly processed their grief, conflicts, contradictions, thoughts, feelings, or convictions about the breakup. They have simply divert their attention to other things whenever their feelings come up. They avoid the situation or thinking of it and replace it with work, friends, or even new people and new relationships. They think to reflect means to hold on, but this is not the case. There is and never will be a specific “time” a person should take to heal, to let go. There is only this present moment. It is human to take as long as you need, because the reality is much more bigger than you can comprehend. Somedays you won’t look back, but other days you might, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re stuck. It doesn’t mean you’re not moving forward. 

What has come before you is and will forever be part of your story, your history, your brain. That is unchanged. For thoughts to appear is normal. When they visit, welcome them, after you’ve chatted, send them on their way, and get back to the present moment. The only time this becomes an issue is when you forget you’re entertaining ghosts. When you forget that these are memories not realities. These are ghosts not real people. An illusion not a real circumstance. 

Another place most people get this wrong as well is that they believe “moving on” is this black and white concept. They think that one day they will suddenly not care about something anymore and that this day is when they have finally “moved on”. They believe that there’s a certain amount of time that should be given to heal from something, and that continuing to think or care after this point, is an issue. But that’s not how it works. It will never work that way. That’s just not reality. The human brain is much more complex than that and what everybody needs is different from the next, and also different from day to day, hour to hour. However, people rarely process things. They rather avoid them completely or pretend. They’re too misinformed that there’s a certain way to do so, that there’s a right way and wrong way, and that there’s a certain time for it and a certain amount of that time. But there isn’t. One day you may find yourself not thinking about it, then suddenly the next you are. One day it hits you intensely, the other day it’s just a passing thought. There’s really no such thing as “moving on” and that’s the bigger truth that many people are just too afraid to accept. There is only “processing”. These people, places, things, experiences are ingrained in you. You will never forget them. They will always be there in your brain, so you are bound to always find yourself thinking of it at one point or another. Does that mean you haven’t moved on? No. It just means that you lived things, you knew people, and the memory of those things pop up from time to time, because they are forever part of your history, your past, your story, your brain. It’s completely natural. All we can do is learn to process these memories, so we can continue on with our day to day existing. You just need to know yourself and find what method or approach works best for you. How do you process? Not avoidance. Not misdirection. But actually processing, which entails facing and accepting. True balance can only be reached this way.

Perhaps if you are so consumed with the inability to accept that your reality does not reflect these old memories, take it as a sign. A sign that you should look into something again. Revisit a person, a place, or a thing. Some people revisit chapters that are written back into their stories and become part of it forever. Not all reflection is bad. Sometimes it helps us understand our feelings better, feelings we fought or ignored before. And sometimes reflecting hurts. Sometimes the past has dark parts that tear us up from the inside out. But you must be a crusader for mastering the self. And everything to help you do that lives within your brain. You cannot be afraid to explore, to ask questions, to reflect, reminisce, revisit, weigh things, analyze, observe… it is what helps you find true balance within and thus true balance without.

I have always proclaimed that I am the phoenix and it is through my observations and analysis that I make peace with what came before me, that I am able to truly change from it, to need it less, to disconnect, to grow, and still have the power to reminisce whenever I need or want to, and not lose myself there or forget the present. When I truly move on, I never look back again with the same uncertainty I had when first stepping foot to move on, but I get there because I never disallow myself whatever it is I need to do, to heal. I welcome all my emotions. I welcome all my memories. I do not place limits on them. There are no rules to interfere with the natural flow of things. I do not buy into man-made philosophies of “how to move on”, “how to heal”, ‘how to let go”, “do this, don’t do that”. I simply know myself. I know who I am. I am guided by no one but myself. What makes me powerful and exponentially transform day to day from all experiences, is that I never dwell there for too long but I don’t refuse myself the company either; equally, I always know the difference between a ghost and a real person so my conversations are never confusing. I always know the difference between an illusion and a real place so my body never feels misled. I always know the difference between a nightmare and the reality so my observations are helpful and applicable. This is what makes me balanced within, able to face anything, come what may. 

I find myself in a very enlightening time in my life. The events of the passed 3 years have led me to this, and for that, I am so grateful. I finally understand that these challenges and struggles were meant to be. They sculpted me into the enormously well-rounded, emotionally intelligent, courageous creature that I am today. There’s a light inside that is ELECTRIC now!! In fact, I feel like I could shoot electricity from every pore on my body. The power is raging inside to get out, and one day it will, and the beauty of it will be magnanimous. This year I walk a new path towards wonderful fruit. And I can’t wait to take a bite!!