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Hello all 775 who still follow me,

Ive had this Tumblr since 2009, over a decade now. I haven’t been on it as much in the last few years, just occasionally go back through a phase with it. Trying to be back on here again and start journaling as I go through this next stage of my life. 

So some updates:

I finally got my GED, went to community college, and transferred to Brown University. I am in a happy relationship for almost 5 years, and it’s been long distance the past year and half while I’ve been away at school. My parents are divorced, and I have no contact with my dad. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, and have recently gone back on medication/therapy. In May, I will be graduating from Brown with a BA in Psychology. It’s so crazy to realize that I went from dropping out of high school, to getting an Ivy League degree. It happened so fast, and so slow, all at the same time. Sometimes I can’t believe this is my life, sometimes I feel like I always knew it would be okay somehow. I want to document the rest of the this journey to look back on some day. I also plan on posting poems again, getting back into writing over winter break. I hope everyones well. Would love to give advice/guidance to anyone trying to get started/maintain in their education or struggling with mental illness, let’s chat!

to the people yelling around my home;

i can hear your words. not all of it but fragments. 

“maybe its because your such an asshole”

“i stand my ground when i know im right”

“me leaving, that is the price you pay”

in some way, im happy. i knew he was the wrong choice. that a wonderful woman like my mother like mine could do better, but she settled for the worst, that was where she fell. 

ever since i met him, i knew he was no god, he treated my mother like a sex object, was racist, homophobic, and even went as far as to support straight pride. everything about him was wrong. and when my mother told me we were moving in, i nearly lost it. i was already, and have been, at a near end point these past few months, but she told me to trust that it would work out and that she loved him.

boy did that last.

a week in she turned to me and said “Samantha, this was a mistake”

when you too began fighting over everything i go worried. what was to happen. where were we to go if things got too bad. at night i would stick in my headphones and blare music as an effort to block out the sounds of your screams at him, for being the worst person he could be.

i have been driven to friends houses, or my dads house, because i was scared to be home. and now ive been kicked out for the week because my mom doesn’t want me around if things get too bad. this gleam, and shadow, puts a bittersweet after taste in my mouth. because sure were leaving, but…

what if it happens again?

Started to listen to Fine Line. Couldn’t even make it through Golden. The “I don’t want to be alone/don’t want to let you know when it ends” hit me like a kick to the stomach.

Filing for divorce today. So. I can’t do it right now. But I love you Harry and I’m so proud of you. And when I’m in a little bit of a better place, I can’t wait to listen to the whole wonderful thing. ♥️

“It would mean a lot to me”

Oh, fuck off. No, it wouldn’t. You don’t care about me sitting with you, you just don’t want me sitting with my mom. You’re an emotionally manipulative bitch and that’s exactly why I DON’T WANT TO SIT WITH YOU.

There is a reason I stay at mom’s house, not yours. There’s a reason I want to sit with her. It’s because I’m tired as hell of your guilt tripping and emotional manipulation. I’m fed the fuck up. I’m an adult. But I’m still your kid. You should not be the childish one in this situation.

It should not be my job to be the adult in the relationship with my mother. I should not have to be the bigger person, the one who gives in. I shouldn’t have to give in. You shouldn’t be manipulating me. I’m fucking tired of it.

You’re not financially supporting me, and you’re sure as fuck not emotionally supporting me. All you care about it yourself, and getting your way. I don’t owe you anything. But you make me feel like I do, and that’s what I hate the most. You make me feel guilty, like I somehow owe you something for treating me like shit.

When I got accepted at Poly, mom bought mercy for her and for me and for my siblings. She was proud. Now, I’m ATTENDING Poly and you still refuse to buy merch, especially aerospace merch, because “what if you change your mind.” Guess what. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life and there’s no question about whether or not Poly is my home. I’m not going to “change my mind”.

I’m fucking tired of you being manipulative. If it weren’t for my siblings, I would’ve cut ties already. I’m hanging on for them, my sister especially. It’s hard. You really hurt me sometimes, but you really hurt her too and I’m not going to leave her alone to deal with you.

I’m the bigger person, as usual. Mommy says “okay, go sit with her.” I agree, even though I’d like nothing less. I’m tired. I’m tired of being the adult. I want to be the kid. I want to be done with you. I’m tired of being bullied by my parent. I’m done.

Thursday - 12.12.19 - 5:10 PM

Finally made it out of work and to the coffee shop. It feels nice to have the evening free and tomorrow off. 

I’m glad that I had the opportunity to see moon rise and moon set a few days ago. It was absolutely spectacular. And to top that off, I saw two Bald Eagles chilling on a sand bar in the middle of the Platte River, west of Omaha, NE today. There was a nesting pair of eagles that lived in a nest that I could see from the back of my old house that I lived in with my ex wife. It makes me both nostalgic for that time, but also sad.

I’ve been struggling lately. Mostly with being very angry toward my ex wife. I’ve come to realize that I don’t think that I’ve appropriately and completely grieved the loss of my marriage. I realized that I’m at a point where I can be either angry about it, or sad. I don’t like that. I want to be free of the emotions that I have. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be sad. I just want to exist and be able to move forward with my life. Some days I just want to completely disappear from Omaha and move away. She moved an hour and a half away along with our three children. There’s nothing left for me here. 

prayers after midnight (a gradence noir AU)
image

He’d found him.

It was him, no doubt about it.

Graves consulted the photographs his client had given him, but to be perfectly honest, it wouldn’t have been necessary.

Credence Grindelwald, né Barebone, could cut off his shoulder-length black hair and trade the designer clothes his husband bought him for ratty T-shirts and ripped jeans, but he couldn’t hide the sharpest cheekbones Graves had ever seen, nor could he hide his chocolate-brown, soulful eyes.

Interestingly enough, when his client had first shown Graves pictures of his young runaway husband, Graves had thought that Credence was just an ordinary young man, not much to look at. But now he’d pursued Credence for so long the young man had become an obsession for him. Graves found everything about him just fascinating, which was a larger problem than he liked to admit.

It took an absolutely herculean effort, but I finished writing a 20 page paper on involuntary isolation, a 5 page paper on the methodology of the history of medicine, and a 42 page journal on thoughts on the semester and summaries of weekly podcasts all within two weeks of finding out I’m getting a divorce and I lost my best friend. 

I deserve this winter break. 

I really do. 

a mental mess |

I am most definately back. 

So the most anxious person on your timeline is back in effect. I know that blogging is something that is needed to help my anxiety. I am going through so much yall and it has been a really crazy year honestly i cannot even begin to explain what this year has brought to me. 

this may have been the hardest year of my life… i will say that this year really tested my mental health, my faith, my belief in my own being, my peace of mind, everything. I dont even know how I got through this year without taking literal drugs. Seriously. 

For starters, I am filing for divorce tomorrow. Yes. Actual filing. Papers have been signed and papers have been notarized. This was a huge step for me considering I was only married for two years. All i will say is that it was an exhausting, toxic, and immature marriage that we both should’ve considered strongly before actually going through with it. We were together for 6 years, but the marriage really tested everything and showed me that this person was not my soulmate/soul match. I am a big believer in soulmates and once i started to realize that he was not my soul mate and that he truly did not love me the way i thought i loved him, i had to make the decision to leave a toxic verbally abusive situation. The situation brought my anxiety and depression to an all time high and it became way too much for me to handle. I finally put myself first and it felt damn good. 

So, while being in this relationship, I was drowning in my own emotions, being afraid to speak my mind, crying at night because i did not feel “at home”, it was just truly depressing. I dont like to say too much about it because as much as I just dont appreciate the way i was treated, i dont like to make other people sould bad because they are not here to defend themselves, but this really did ignite this terrible anxious state of mind that i have been in for such a long time. 

I am trying to keep positive thoughts in my mind and remind myself how strong i actually am. I did something that most people are not able to do, walk away from a toxic situation that you’ve become C O M F O R T A B L E in. That is one of the hardest situations to get out of. I did it. I put myself first and that is the first step to true strength. I thought by letting that situation go that my anxiety, worrying + depression would fly out the window with it, but nope. not the case. 

It has actually gotten worse as far as my emotions go. Because i was yelled at for being “so depressed” all the time and because my emotions were made to feel so small, i was so used to having to keep everything in. Now that i am emotionally + mentally free from that toxicity, i am able to freely cry and feel emotions. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing? Getting these emotions out like this. Dont get me wrong, i was not physically abused by any means and i am not recovering from being abused in that way, but I was surely not able to express my feelings without being yelled at and cursed at and belittled. So now that i am free from that, my feelings are rushing in like flood gates that have been opened. 

I am trying to regain strength, while also being able to freely express my emotions and that is hard as well. I am just a mess right now. Before the end of the year i wanted to start doing little things and getting into habits that were going to be good for my mental health in the new year and i have not found many ways to cope with these depressing spells + anxiety attacks i have been having, but I did make an appointment to see a psychiatrist next friday and I am super excited about it! I feel in a way already liberated because i took a step that i feel like i should’ve taken a while back, making an appointment to see someone about the way ive been feeling. So i pat myself on the back for that big step. I am finally on the road to establishing some type of mental health and wellness care + papertrail as far as my mental health goes and it is exciting. I have been dealing with this all alone for a while and it feels good that i am on the road to getting better. I also enrolled in a insurance plan today and I will now be able to see a doctor and get blood work done because as crazy as it sounds, i feel that i may have PCOS. i have been having irregular periods, weight gain, and i truly dont think i am ovulating every month. I do want to have kids again one day so before i do that, id like to know that i am okay in that department and if i am not what are things i need to do to get back on track with my overall health. I do believe the stress i have been under has caused alot of issues with my hormones and could be a cause of my hormonal imbalance. 

well, that is all i have to say for now. I will do a part 2 of this but it is 10:51 and work will be calling my name in the morning, bye for now. 

Office

Hey.

once upon a time I was an avid blogger. oh man, those were the days. you just documented your life, and made it look all cute and buttoned up, only for complete strangers to come around, comment and ask where you got your sweater.

that world became too filtered and contrived and required too much sharing. how much sharing do we really need to do? honestly. it’s like the followers wanted to join us in bed at night- well, that was done… by my now ex-husband… so, here we are.

I don’t really want to come here and discuss “growth” and “change” because we all have our favorite quotes-a-gram for that. fuck it, right? no one wants to hear about it. aren’t we all quoted out by now?

in about two weeks i’ll be starting my first OFFICE job in seven years. ooof. 

you see, I’ve worked in a restaurant for the last seven years. first as a happy go lucky waitress, then as a sex-appeal bartender, and now as a worn down general manager. as luck would have it, on a day where I just wanted to blow my brains out and serve it as the soup du jour, an opportunity presented itself. after many interviews, a little bit of politics, and a lot of belief in me from others, I have landed my dream job.

in the same breath, I filed for a divorce from my husband. why walk to change when you can run? even if you haven’t run since you were a varsity athlete. and even then you hated running. 

but, now, i’m new to the office. 

to be honest, no one is more excited for this change and shift than me. 

“the universe aligns us when we ask for it.”

gag.

look, I actually do believe in synchronicity and the universe. I also believe in hard fucking work. you cant just “ask” the local indoor plant for something. you have to fucking work. you have to follow through. you have to chase it. you have to sweat it. dream about it. AND THEN AFTER ALL THAT YOU STILL MIGHT NOT GET IT BUT YOU MIGHT GET CLOSER.

put that in wordswag and quote it. 

I thought with all this change I could re-enter the writing world on my own terms. with anonymity (ish- lets be honest, the internet can figure out anything). and with something to finally discuss.

my goal? just to write. 

I have a feeling i’ll finally start sharing all the horrible experiences I’ve had in the restaurant, now that I cant lose my job for it. 

I have a feeling i’ll discuss the different lifestyle pace (you mean I wont be eating dinner at midnight? what are weekends off?)

and, I have a feeling i’ll talk about re-entering the dating world. 

it’s all new to me.

so, just so we’re clear moving forward:

1. I misuse commas. fucking deal with it.

2. I curse. I work in a high pressure atmosphere. I like cursing! I love the word “fuck”! i’m going to curse. take your jesus prayers and find another tumblr if that’s offensive to you. 

3. i’m not going to bother proof reading this too diligently. i’m also not going to bother capitalizing words. I don’t want to, okay?

4.i’m sarcastic and I’ve never been able to really write in that voice. my old blogs were watered down versions of myself because my mom read it. my think pieces that are floating around on the interwebz are a stylistic version of my writing. I want this to read like we’re talking! 

5.im new to tumblr, too. ive used WordPress, blogger (let’s all laugh at that together) but ive never entered the tumblr world. I feel old saying that (i’m not old- just have lived a few lives the last ten years) but hopefully i’ll pick up on the cool, hip, lingo soon. is 

5a. i’m really fucking excited. i’m excited to start new. I know that’s unusual! but, it’s all been a blur and i’m excited to be present again. to be reinvigorated again. 


here’s hoping this works! 

cheers,

the new girl.