Today I told my boyfriend I was scared. Now let me preface that he hasn’t done the whole dating thing in quite some time so he has fears of similar nature, but different paths.
I told him I don’t like to let people in. I project an image and even though it’s been almost a month of us doing this thing I’ve been putting the mask on around him. I didn’t want him to see me hurting or broken. That part scares the shit out of me. I was so anxious all day thinking of having this conversation with him. Like I cried and had panic attacks because I was afraid that what I was going to tell him was going to push him away and he would leave. I project and put the all together face on around him, but like I’m so scared. I told him I don’t like when people care about me because when someone says they do they always leave. People always fucking leave. And that was the thing- I didn’t want to let more people in to hurt me further. I do have some fucking pride. But he just told me he was scared too and that I didn’t have to wear a mask around him. And then he just held me. All this after him asking me if i was okay the past couple of days when i haven’t been myself.
I appreciate this so much because he doesn’t just care about people that are around him. And he actually cares about me. Not only has he told me, but has shown me on multiple occasions and just… I know I asked for this, but if this one leaves it’s going to hurt so fucking bad. But I’m not thinking that way this time. We are honest with each other. He isn’t afraid to tell me something even if it’ll maybe hurt my feelings because it’ll hurt both of us more if we let it fester and become a problem.