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Truth be told, I have been having a difficult time internally the last few weeks.

I feel as if I got to the end of something, at the end of last year, something very long in the making. I’ve talked about it sort of interminably, it feels like to me, at this point. Suffice it to say it has been a really challenging string of years/decades. And yet there’s a full circle quality that’s got me sort of unfulfilled.

I fucking hate doing what I do to make a living and project social solvency. I hate it. I hate pretending to be a person. I hate art, I even sort of feel contempt for writing. I simply do not desire to participate in the ceaseless reproduction of socio-civilizational global slavery. I want to be free.

I’ve tried really hard, my entire life, at tremendous personal hazard, to be free, and to enable others to be so, should they so desire. I think my genre is something like: Reality Hacking. If you experience the Real as something like an interface rather than an actual fact, maybe you can sort of imagine what I’m talking about.

Personally, I think it is really “creative” and cool. It pulls in a lot of other different kinds of creative activity, qua moduses. It’s also just sort of patently insane per its own internal logic, and it’s really tricky to make anyone like it. You’ve got to be bad a lot, for a while.

I think most of the most transcendent, life-affirming, and above all inspirational instances of my life have been in the course of this kind of thing. I believe I have gotten better, learned a lot the hard way, which is to say, the only way, as respects this kind of thing (I have never been especially good at programming my neurology, sans resistance).

I have also lost a lot. Very much. It has been excruciating a lot. I’ve lost my mind, well and truly, again and again. Maybe that’s what’s ended— not the losing, but having lost. I have not recognized myself, especially, for some time. People I have known continue to act as if they recognize me— I am not saying they don’t.

For me personally, though, what’s different is I have quietly, gingerly been nursing something like: Absolution. From a seed in the dirt. I will be taking everything back. It’s literally just like, how do I not kill myself doing it.

I don’t like feeling like a sarcophagus for something luminous and radioactive. It makes me feel sorrowful, and angry at times. I don’t even know what more to say about it— we all have the same problem. But for what it’s worth, I can never totally lose sight of the capital-T Truth, which is the radiation is the real thing. All this other shit is the Matrix. And we may not be able to make much of any claim regarding ontology as such, but on the other hand, I’m simply never going to be pressed into capitulating to the logic that says I and everyone I love are the problem. Like, suck my motherfucking cock. It is very literally not especially more complex than that, from my perspective. (1/19/2020)

30

I fell in love again with someone that’s 2.6 miles away from me, someone who I spent nights and days crying over, but things have changed, I let go of the past, a long distance relationship won’t be easy but he’s so forth it, we both promised to work on this and let go of the past, I’ve never been more happy, I’ll see him next month and that’s what pushes me to keep on going, I cannot stop thinking of how I’ll hold him tightly and brush my fingers through his hair, I can only imagine the smell of his hair, how amazing it would feel to look him in the eyes and tell him that I love him, press my lips against his and never let go of him, I keep fantasizing of multiple scenarios of how it will happen when I see him… 30 days my dearest, 30 days and those 2 years I have waited for you will prove how worthy was that rollercoaster of emotional we went through. I love you so much, too the moon and back <3

Does anyone remember livejournal?

I think of this when I do hello pleco posts and the difficulty of commenting/replying to comments etc. I know it’s sucked for YEARS but back in the early-mid 2000s it was the best. (To me anyhow, it was my first “blog”. Very different content from here, I was a lot younger and into a lot of embarrassing different things.) It was so much easier to use and navigate. (I wish it had a reblog type feature though!)

Yeah this really shows my age. Also, my lj has long been deleted and was under a different name.

Also, anyone remember the lj knockoffs like deadjournal? There were a few others, some invite only, can’t remember it all.

(I realize there was probably dark stuff in the sewers of livejournal, but what social media doesn’t have its bad side? We’re NOT discussing it, so leave it at the door, thanks.)

8:36pm and I’m finally ready to talk

It’s been a hard couple of weeks. Starting the day after Christmas my life as I knew it fell apart. Years of failed attempts came to a halt and I needed to make a decision. Fight or flight?

You spend so much time talking someone up and loving on them. Try after try, night after night. I gave him a year and 7 months of support and guidance. He had 7 months of sobriety to show for it. He gleamed with pride ear to ear, getting up everyday was his commitment to his family but living drug free was for him.

Our problems reached its head the 26th of December 2019.

A year of cheating abuse and drugs overcame me and all the growing up he he wore so proudly I took away. I knocked him down after it all. After being pushed around emotionally and physically after being pregnant and bringing his child into the world I found myself screaming inside a soundproof room. Begging for someone to save me behind the eyes of a happy wife and mother.

No one talks about how saving someone else can make you lose yourself. I found myself lost.

After 7 months he broke his sobriety and relapsed. I can’t say I can’t believe it. I mean even the best of us fall. I will always think of myself as a recovering addict no matter how many months I pass sober. If I never relapse again and I die 30 years sober, I will always refer to myself as a recovering addict. I fell last year when my brother almost died and James fell when I packed all mine and Aralee’s stuff and left.

I guilted him for it. I broke him lower for it. When it was me in that seat I was my hardest critic. How could I knowing how much it breaks you more an everyone else to see that time flushed away?

Addiction is not pretty. It’s devastating, and a chain you wear until the day you die. It’s a choice every single day. It’s the hardest thing to walk away from and the easiest thing to fall back Into.

Does anyone else feel like they are wasting time?

I will sit on my phone or iPad for HOURS at a time almost everyday. Since I’ve been forced to stay home from work this week I’ve noticed how bad I’ve gotten.

I have no motivation to do anything with my life. I’d much rather sit on my bed or on my couch mindlessly staring at a screen that is smaller than my hand or my head.

Can I tell you about anything that is going on in the world right now? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Can I quote some stupid TikTok word for word that I’ve seen once maybe twice that day? YES. 

I hate that. But I also don’t have the energy to do anything to change it. I know change begins with me. I just don’t want to change. And that bothers me.

Anyone else in the same boat as me or am I crazy?

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Have a good day/night.

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214

I didn’t write for a long , people come and people go, we lack in man power and the work got more intense for me, some people do not fulfill their duty properly which pressure me even more but I got used to my every day life, I’m not mad anymore about how things are working out, it’s not near what I wanted but giving in to the fact that that’s how things are and I cannot change them but rather find small bits of what makes me happy helped me out of the feeling I was locked up in. Not everything goes by the plan and that’s alright, there are many lessons you learn by the time you spend waiting for whatever it is you’re waiting for. I became good at what I do even though I hated it

01.18.2020 / 10:11 am


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Originally posted by charlottecors

- So to start with, I guess this is my first blog so maybe I should introduce myself properly. My name is Ana and I am 20 years old with a 2 year old son. I enjoy so many things and have alot of interests. Lately I have been getting more and more motivated to stop procrastinating and finally doing the Hobby’s I want to do. In the past week, I have gotten my library card and have walked almost 15 miles which is a huge change for me. Today!!!! I will be going to local gym in my area and will be getting a GYM MEMBERSHIP! I can honestly say I am so excited and proud of myself. At my local gym, you get a free personal trainer that will write out a cheat sheet basically to reach your goals. My goals are to lose 25 pounds and tone my body. I have already began cutting out nasty, unhealthy foods and sodas. All I drink now is water and it is so very refreshing. Be nice and patient with me, I have never blogged so I’m just ranting >°< Okay, Bye.