Truth be told, I have been having a difficult time internally the last few weeks.
I feel as if I got to the end of something, at the end of last year, something very long in the making. I’ve talked about it sort of interminably, it feels like to me, at this point. Suffice it to say it has been a really challenging string of years/decades. And yet there’s a full circle quality that’s got me sort of unfulfilled.
I fucking hate doing what I do to make a living and project social solvency. I hate it. I hate pretending to be a person. I hate art, I even sort of feel contempt for writing. I simply do not desire to participate in the ceaseless reproduction of socio-civilizational global slavery. I want to be free.
I’ve tried really hard, my entire life, at tremendous personal hazard, to be free, and to enable others to be so, should they so desire. I think my genre is something like: Reality Hacking. If you experience the Real as something like an interface rather than an actual fact, maybe you can sort of imagine what I’m talking about.
Personally, I think it is really “creative” and cool. It pulls in a lot of other different kinds of creative activity, qua moduses. It’s also just sort of patently insane per its own internal logic, and it’s really tricky to make anyone like it. You’ve got to be bad a lot, for a while.
I think most of the most transcendent, life-affirming, and above all inspirational instances of my life have been in the course of this kind of thing. I believe I have gotten better, learned a lot the hard way, which is to say, the only way, as respects this kind of thing (I have never been especially good at programming my neurology, sans resistance).
I have also lost a lot. Very much. It has been excruciating a lot. I’ve lost my mind, well and truly, again and again. Maybe that’s what’s ended— not the losing, but having lost. I have not recognized myself, especially, for some time. People I have known continue to act as if they recognize me— I am not saying they don’t.
For me personally, though, what’s different is I have quietly, gingerly been nursing something like: Absolution. From a seed in the dirt. I will be taking everything back. It’s literally just like, how do I not kill myself doing it.
I don’t like feeling like a sarcophagus for something luminous and radioactive. It makes me feel sorrowful, and angry at times. I don’t even know what more to say about it— we all have the same problem. But for what it’s worth, I can never totally lose sight of the capital-T Truth, which is the radiation is the real thing. All this other shit is the Matrix. And we may not be able to make much of any claim regarding ontology as such, but on the other hand, I’m simply never going to be pressed into capitulating to the logic that says I and everyone I love are the problem. Like, suck my motherfucking cock. It is very literally not especially more complex than that, from my perspective. (1/19/2020)