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I wish;

We could get it right… you know, our differences aside. The malice, the constant pain to eachother. The ignorance… the fucking bullshit… the curse words..

I wish we could get it right just once. I scream for those days… cause you were my best friend. There was a time where I was terrified of what the future would bring me…. but you always held my hand along the way and somehow, everything just felt …. normal.

What happened there..? I already blame myself, but I just keep waiting for you to blame me too.. and when you blame me, you -really- blame me. And …. I guess…. I’m not ready for it yet.. each time I think I am…. I’m not, and then we start all over… I’ve wasted so many lives already. My reset button is stuck… my data is corrupted. I can’t even find the damn disk anymore… I wasn’t responsible , and I lost it..

I’ll admit… it’s not cool for you to go for my friends when you -know- I love you… but can’t -love you-

Will it always be my fault? Will I die knowing it was always my fault?

I know your watching me…. I still sense that lingering feeling…. the eyes on my back…. I feel your shadow creeping around my substance…


Tell me I’ll die knowing it was all my fault…

Your happy right..?

… I know your watching me…

The strongest drug of them all, love

Today I was sitting in class just staring blankly into space thinking about someone. Someone I love and care for, someone that made me feel safe and happy, someone that made me feel something I’ve never felt before. It was beautiful and joyful. Flowers everywhere, bright colors, and a beautiful ray of sunshine just gleaming across the sky. It all seemed great until I snapped back into reality and remembered that this person no longer wants me in their life. I was completely cut off from them. No communication, no goodbyes, nothing. I was trapped in the despair of my own thoughts, eating away at my soul. I never thought that my bond and love would be severed by something so small, so minuscule as a pill. How could something so small be so powerful enough to sway someone’s opinion of me? How could something so small change their perception of love for me? I sat there holding back my tears so no one would look at me like a crazy psycho crying on their first day of class. All I could think about was how I had lost a battle of love for someone over a pill. That I just wasn’t enough for her. I didn’t give her as much happiness as the pill. I didn’t make her feel as good as the pill. I didn’t solve her problems as well as the pill. I just wasn’t better than the pill. My mind just keeps constantly reading the last couple words she said to me before she stopped talking to me. That “It’s nothing you should be concerned about, and I wouldn’t quit even if anyone told me”. “Don’t try and control certain aspects of my life, even if it’s out of concern there’s nothing you can do about it”. Over and over again, just reciting these lines to myself, knowing that I just lost someone I love. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my concern of her using this pill every day, was something that I couldn’t and shouldn’t do. A couple of messages before this convo, she asked me if I was concerned about her use of drugs, and now that I am concerned you don’t want to deal with me anymore? Why couldn’t I have concern for someone I love? Letting her do this to herself felt so wrong like I was doing a disservice by not trying to help her and find better alternatives. And even though I was thinking that, I was willing to let her use the pills and to let her figure it out herself before she decided to cut me off from her life. I wanted her love so badly that I was going to let her continue. Even when she didn’t give me any attention, or was off doing things with other guys and spent such little time with me, I always said it was alright, that we get busy and want to spend time with others. I kept lying to myself to keep the relationship going, I never wanted to make her feel guilty. I needed her love, I was craving it. And even now, even after losing her love to me, I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t let go. I never understood addiction until now. Every day I tell myself to stop thinking about her, she doesn’t want you anymore. But every time she crosses my mind I can’t help but reminisce on the good times and the bad. I can’t stop thinking about her and came to the realization that I’m just as addicted as she is. I’m craving her love, her affection, her words towards me. Love is the strongest drug of them all and I can’t seem to give up on it.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my concern of her using this pill every day, was something that I couldn’t and shouldn’t do. A couple of messages before this convo, she asked me if I was concerned about her use of drugs, and now that I am concerned you don’t want to deal with me anymore? Why couldn’t I have concern for someone I love? Letting her do this to herself felt so wrong like I was doing a disservice by not trying to help her and find better alternatives. And even though I was thinking that, I was willing to let her use the pills and to let her figure it out herself before she decided to cut me off from her life. I wanted her love so badly that I was going to let her continue. Even when she didn’t give me any attention, or was off doing things with other guys and spent such little time with me, I always said it was alright, that we get busy and want to spend time with others. I kept lying to myself to keep the relationship going, I never wanted to make her feel guilty. I needed her love, I was craving it. And even now, even after losing her love to me, I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t let go. I never understood addiction until now. Every day I tell myself to stop thinking about her, she doesn’t want you anymore. But every time she crosses my mind I can’t help but reminisce on the good times and the bad. I can’t stop thinking about her and came to the realization that I’m just as addicted as she is. I’m craving her love, her affection, her words towards me. Love is the strongest drug of them all and I can’t seem to give up on it.

Sigo aquí en el mismo lugar tal como lo dejaste, tengo la mirada vacilante, la mente revuelta, estoy intentando entender que sucedió.

Amor, siento el alma cansada.Desde tu partida los días pasan sin ningún sentido para mi, a veces me pregunto que está más desordenado si mi cama o mi corazón, que es más cruel si tú indiferencia o tú adiós sin mirar atrás y quién se habrá rendido primero… Pero creo que ambos sabemos esa respuesta.

~Jennsar

Screw comfort zones

There is a quote I love, “a boat in the harbor is safe, but in time its bottom will rot out” by H. Jackson Brown. Here’s the thing, comfort zones are, well… comfortable. They provide you with stability and routine and the same boring shit you’ve been doing forever.

Guess what the comfort zone doesn’t provide you, everything else.

Outside of the limits of what you know, there is personal growth and discovery and colors that you can’t even imagine right now.

Think of a time where you really pushed yourself, did something that seemed impossible at the time. If you succeeded, it must have felt like the best fucking thing in the world, like you were the hero in some cheesy movie.

If you failed, then I almost guarantee you walked away from the experience with a valuable lesson or piece of wisdom you didn’t have before.

Growing pains are an essential and inevitable part of life. Sure, you can stay in the little 4x4 box you’ve constructed in your mind and try to keep things from shaking. But the fact is, life is dynamic, and whether your boat is stuck in the harbor or out at sea, it’s going to rock.

All you can do is decide what you want to get out of every experience. Will you let opportunities and amazing experiences pass you by because you have some idea in your head that you don’t deserve more?

Truth be told, a lot of the time, you will. But hey, you’re bound to miss out on some fun sometimes, don’t let that stop you from getting back on the metaphorical horse. So go on, put on some sunscreen and hoist those sails, show your boat what you’re made of.

21 aprile - influenze negative

Fondamentalmente mi irrita farmi influenzare dagli altri, inanzi tutto per la negatività e poi per l abbandono. Sono due tematiche che mi fanno riflettere parecchio sul mio stare nel mondo. Ho provato ad isolarmi ma mi ha portato odio e rancore invece socializzare mi ha fatto sentire più appagata che una continua conversazione con me stessa. Ma come mai sono così attaccata alle persone quando mi ci affeziono? Divento così ossessionata, faccio vivere la mia vita secondo le loro esigenze. Vivo sottomessa da questa cosa e mi logora come il sentimento di morte, quello che succederà dopo o quello che proverò quando accadrà, mi fanno sentire terribilmente angosciata. Avrei bisogno di amarmi di più, essere felice di fronte a tutto quello che mi accade, osservarlo da fuori che da dentro. Il mio problema ora è lui, il mio attaccamento morboso a lui che sarebbe spettacolare se non fosse così irascibile, se non stesse li ad esaminarmi di continuo, a far la lista dei miei sbagli e difetti. Quest abitudine, la devo contrastare e settembre è vicino, voglio lavorare, staccarmi, vedere una vita nuova. Sono stanca di essere dipendente dagli altri, voglio che gli altri si chiedano realmente come sto, che si preoccupino come io faccio con loro.

Sono stanca di sentirmi così abbattuta per come gli altri non sappiano essere felici, mi da fastidio che il mondo non sia grato di ciò che ha, di ciò che è ed è diventato. Ho bisogno di conoscere nuova gente che la pensi come me, ma sono così concentrata a non farlo che non succede. Cio che voglio accade, se voglio essere felice posso esserlo, ora in quest attimo e godermelo forte e chiaro.

Voglio sorridere alla vita perché poi la vita mi sorride ed è sempre stato così, anche nei momenti più bui un sorriso mi ha sempre salvato la vita

I wired lump suddenly grew out of the side of my leg.

It’s annoying. It’s sore and and hot, though I wouldn’t say that it hurts. It sprung up last night, or at least that’s when I noticed it.

I’m hoping it goes away soon…

Work in Progress

Today a customer was recounting all the impressive feats her children have all achieved. Her eldest daughter was finishing her Masters in Marine Biology in Germany and would soon be flying to Australia. Her youngest one just finished Grade 11 with a straight A profile on all her 11 subjects—Math included, can you believe it? I can’t. It got me thinking about where I was in life and where I was headed and the proverbial brick hit me in the face with all the failures and stagnation of my life.


Sometimes throughout my day it hits me that I’ll probably never accomplish anything greater than having a job and…not much else. I wish I were smarter. More talented. More driven. Maybe if I had these qualities I could also be a Marine biologist—or something equally as boastful.


But then again, her only son dropped out of college and became a trucker. I don’t know if he, too, is living his life feeling like a constant failure like I do. But his mother sure seemed proud of him too. Life is weird.

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Swatches of the original release, Fenty Beauty Mattemoiselle lipsticks!

Doing a Q&A video

I don’t know how many people here are from my youtube channel, or if anyone here watches, but if so: I’m doing a Q&A video soon. I already have some questions from IG, but if anyone here has any questions for me regarding me, travel, my experiences, or anything you want me to answer in my video, my asks are open!! I mean, they’re always open, but especially now lol. 

Festes de Gràcia VI

Seguint en el que deia en el post anterior; encara que no estigui fent res més que fer unes vacances d'aficionat a la literatura i no tingui cap mala intenció, hi ha alguna cosa essencialment dolenta en tot això.

Sé que no els hi agrada que algú vagi a mirar-los a ells. Està malament. De fet quan he parlat amb algú -els de l'hostal d'Alins o la pròpia Pili- no he estat capaç d'explicar de manera coherent que collons hi cardo aquí. L'explicació bàsica i més innocent seria que vinc a fer el hippy, però això ja porta una connotació com de voler venir a imaginar-me que estic implicat en uns fets que bàsicament van ser horrorosos. Dir ‘he vingut a veure penya rústica’ tampoc sona bé.

M'estic sentint una mica sospitós. La gent dels llocs petits tendeix a sospitar de qui apareix sense un propòsit molt definit -Vens de la muntanya? Escales? Portes Tot-terreny? i a fer que la gent sospitosa se senti sospitosa*. A més no paro de fer coses estranyes perquè estic com un puto llum.

Un grenyut amb un Opel verd que puja a Tor un dia de pluja. Xafardeja una mica i baixa. Agafa una habitació a pensió complerta al Muntaña. Llavors puja fins al càmping de la pica d'estats, gira cua i va fins a Ferrera. Baixant para a Tírvia a fer una Cola i a demanar per un caixer. Va a Llavorsí, treu diners, es troba la rampa de skate trinxada i patina una estona. Torna a l'hostal i sopa. Surt de l'hostal a les 12 de la nit, quan han tancat, i va a l'hostal del costat a prendre una cola. Explica que ha vingut a veure Tor, que pensava pujar a Andorra però que amb aquell cotxe no pot. Pregunta per llocs de bany. Sortint, en comptes d'anar cap al seu hostal va direcció la carretera de Tor, però torna al cap de tres minuts perquè s'ha deixat la camisa dins. Llavors, en comptes de tornar a marxar direcció Tor, va cap a l'hostal**

Dit així és fàcil entendre que sóc un penjat anant de vacances morboses, però em preocupa que una gent gelosa de la seva intimitat pugui pensar que estic ficant el nas on no em demanen.

*Bon mecanisme de defensa.

**Volia fer un tros de la carretera de Tor per veure si veia algun animalet o les estrelles. Vale?

Love Note 1: Love is a force that overcomes all obstacles.

I believe the quote to be somewhat true and somewhat false at the same time.

In the abstract world - the feeling of love trumps all. Mahatma Gandhi started one of his speeches with the following words: “There is an indefinable mysterious power that pervades everything. I feel it though I do not see it. It is this unseen power which makes itself felt…” I perceive that to be a rather accurate when it comes to love . In fact, often times love can be so imposing that one may even wish to get rid of the sensation, at least for a little while. When I first realized I was falling in love, my brain would often shut down and fixate on love and love only, no matter how hard I tried to occupy myself with something else. So yes, love as an idea and love as a force is inevitable and omnipotent.

But I choose to separate the notion of love with love in its form, and hence I find that in the physical world, people that were utterly head over heels for each other often end up despising each other a few years down the road. Some might argue that love has nothing to do with this phenomenon, since the despising stage stems from a lack of love…

And here, ladies and gentlemen, we are introduced to the number one issue with love in the real world: it simply doesn’t last. One day you are in love, the next day you are not. One day the locks of her hair lazily fluttering in the wind are a sight to behold, the next day her hair keeps getting in your face and oh how you wish she would just tie the damn thing up!  Thus how is love supposed to overcome all obstacles if it can’t overcome the brooding one we all end up succumbing to - time.

I agree that the idea of love pervades, and I wholeheartedly believe that as long as humanity exists, love will flourish, but that just not enough. Love is overcome by deception, estrangement, jealousy, anger, violence, war, and all kinds of wants and  needs.

Love, in itself, is beautiful and is to be romanticized.

People should sincerely believe that love is a force to be reckoned with, a force powerful enough to blast through the apathy of anyone’s heart…

People should always be reminded that love is an ethereal, intricately carved glass statue, but may we never forget that as all glass statues, the statue of love is rather easily broken.

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