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Hope for Healing, as a Male Survivor - - I look back over the years from when I first started out on my long road of recovery.

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I can’t believe what happened but at the same time, I have a known reputation with my old friends on these encounters.. Fml.

We’ll see what happens the next time I see you 😆

Things are getting better, I just need to move a little more but who’s trying rush?

(3) 24.03.19 1:00am

Dzisiaj sporo myślałam o mojej samotności, pustce i braku jakichkolwiek zdolności społecznych. Czasem po prostu nie widzę sensu, wszystko wydaje się takie mętne i szare. Z jednej strony mam pomysł na studia i przyszłość, ale jest to jedna, całkowicie perfekcyjna wizja i nie mam żadnych planów B, ani nie myślę, co zrobię np. w momencie nawrotu depresji. Idealnie chciałabym znaleźć pracę, dziewczynę, wyprowadzić się z nią, omijać coming out jak ogień i do końca życia przedstawiać ją rodzinie, jako współlokatorkę. Z drugiej strony kompletnie nie wyobrażam sobie siebie w zdrowym związku, gdzie ktoś odwzajemnia moje uczucie do niego. Nawet z moimi przyjaciółmi nie jestem w stanie widzieć się dwa dni pod rząd, bo czuję wykończenie i zdenerwowanie. Teoretycznie powinnam iść do psychologa, zacząć pracować nad sobą na terapii, praktycznie mam ochotę resztę życia spędzić w łóżku i patrzeć w ścianę, aż ludzie do reszty mnie zostawią.

Staram się też celowo angażować się w imprezy szkolne, żeby mieć okazję do nawiązania jakichś relacji z ludźmi, ale i tak w danej chwili paraliżuje mnie strach i jedyne, co z siebie wydaję, to półsłówka i niezręczne odpowiedzi, czując walenie serca i fizyczny ból w mięśniach od adrenaliny. Fakt faktem, odkąd biorę leki jest poprawa, kiedyś to uczucie wcale mnie nie opuszczało, teraz pojawia się tylko, gdy bardzo zależy mi na powiedzeniu czegoś. Nie uciekam też z lekcji ze strachu przed spojrzeniami wszystkich po spóźnieniu. To wszystko jest takie męczące.

Wyjątkowo staram się teraz o jakiekolwiek względy osoby, która bardzo mi się podoba, ale jak narazie to jedyne co mi wychodzi, to niezręczne zwroty grzecznościowe i patrzenie, jak dobrze radzi sobie bez mnie w jej życiu. Najgorsze, że z pewnością skończę jak cliche frajer, do końca życia słuchający smithsów i wyobrażający sobie randki z ładnymi osobami, do których nigdy nie podszedł.

Jangan khawatir

Sudah berbuat baik, sekalipun tidak pernah melanggar norma-norma. Namun, hal baik belum menghampiri. Yang terjadi adalah kepedihan.


Tuhan ingin kamu menjalankannya dengan ikhlas tanpa terfikirkan sebuah imbalan. Yuk, ikhtiar dan percaya kalau Tuhan tidak akan pernah memejamkan mata kepada hamba yang percaya dengan Nya.


Yeezy Boost 700 Inertia

March 22, 2019, 9:15pm

I will never not say that this visit was boring. Today, for example, I got to visit the places that fascinated me the most. The history behind these places were beautiful, and I’m glad I got to learn about it all.

Take today’s visit to Nara for example.

Did you know you should never enter through a gate and into a sacred area through the middle? Always go through the side enterences, because the center is for Gods and Lords. Entering through the middle is considered rude and disrespectful.

The culture I experienced at these temples was one I expected, yet it still blew my mind. I was starstruck.

Hori Miona: 2019/03/23 Cross Necklace

I dyed my hair to an olive color. How is it?

It’s basically completely spring now.

AmeTalk 3 Hour Special - entertainers without drawing abilities 

Thank you to everyone who watched the show m(__)m

Someone told me that my drawing skills are even worst than they had imagined. This shocked me!

But from now on, I want to focus on my artistic style and inspirations, to create all types of art.

I haven’t been to an art gallery in a long time, want to go check one out.

Everyone was so kind, so it was a very enjoyable show recording.

Today 3/23 (Saturday) 23:00~24:30 NNK

「#Sakamichi TV ~ Nogi to Keyaki to Hinata ~」

I and Saito Kyoko-chan and Kobayashi Yui-chan cooked together while chatting. Hopefully, I didn’t seem too shy haha

3/30 (Saturday) 18:30~20:54 TV Tokyo


Hinako and I were special guests! There was both laughter and touching moments, very worthwhile to watch!

「ar」and「B.L.T. May Issue」are on sale right now.

Please look after me^-^

I like Ayane-chan the most♡

I…look as white as a dango haha

Then, bye

March 21, 2019, 9:45pm

To say the second family wasn’t as welcoming as the first one would be a lie. I’d met them before, of course, but I didn’t know the mother or father hardly understood English. However, they were super understanding and patient whenever we conversed. Besides the other student, Shota, there were two other members in their family — Shota’s older sister, Anika, and their pup, Nabu. Their house was slightly bigger and more modernized than the first. I even got my own room. Anika and I bonded right away; and she spoke the best English out of the four of them. We spent the morning in Kyoto, hiking up and down the street, heading into shops every now and then. Reaching the top of the hill at last, we visited the temples. The view from the top was quite amazing.

I’ve tried so many different foods and snacks on this trip and all of them were delicious. On our way back down from the temple, we stopped to get some authentic Mochi and Japanese Tea. We’d spent all day there before taking the two hour trip home.

That night, they took me to visit the city of Osaka. I almost felt like I was in Time Square with the giant buildings, signs, and lights. We ate dinner there, ending our night with shopping.

Happy National Puppy Day! 🐶 This is my sweet lady, Yumi, as a baby. When she was abandoned at the shelter with her mother and siblings, her eye was already infected and swollen because she’d gotten a foxtail stuck in it. Although the vet removed the foxtail, for a while they thought she might lose he eye. She was given to my family to foster, and after weeks of giving her four different medicines seven times a day, her eye was saved! She’s got a little scarring now but still has great distance vision, and is living a happy happy life of hikes, fetch, tummy rubs, and cookies. ❤️

They’re heeere!

I’ll start packing them this week and then ship them out soon! After am done with shipping out the preorders the rest will be up for sale in my shop.

a sweet memory

i had barely sat on the shitter to drop a melodious slouche before i hear a “mrrr mrr” from the darkness of the other room. the first thing i did when i got my own place is take all the doors off their hinges - with the exception of the front door of course. shitting behind closed doors literally doesnt exist in my place, so from the toilet my living room would be clearly visible if the lights would be turned on, which on this given night was not the case. the “mrr mrr” came from my cat, which was now trotting confidently towards me. the delay between the two “mrr”’s would indicate to me that he was moving rather rapidly, since its delay was only caused by his virogous activity. he darted into the light and went straight towards my leg. rubs ensued.