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Portraits of Hope Mariano is homeless. He does not drink alcohol or use drugs. He lost everything after he retired then suffered three strokes. Follow this story and more at Portraits of Hope.

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I just wrote 500 words detailing my experience with addiction. I talked about my addict father, my experience with eating disorders, self harm, cigarettes and weed. I even talked about trying LSD and ketamine, and how I’ve never truly felt disappointment before taking a pill at 1am and not feeling anything. But then it all got deleted so fuck that.

Instead I’ll talk about how addiction is the only thing I’ve ever known. My father, my mother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, and more recently, my brother. Cigarettes, weed, pills, meth, heroine.

Addiction is the only thing I think I’ve ever loved so much even though I know I shouldn’t. Addiction is the only thing that has consistently been there for me. Addiction has replaced my mothers embrace, and the validation of strangers. Addicted is the only thing I’ve truly been. The only thing I’ve truly felt. And that disgusts me, but fuck, it feels so good.

i haven’t been doing too well.

I’m really struggling with binging and bulimia. i can’t seem to shake it. and honestly it makes me want to start using drugs again because food was never an issue when i was high. i feel like i have to choose the lesser of two evils…

i would go get help but i don’t have health insurance right now and treatment is so fucking expensive. guess ill just go fuck myself lol


Well I didn’t really want to post on here as a journal anymore but honestly it’s too hard to try to write in a journal and get all of my thoughts out. My brain just moves to fast and I can’t write as fast. These past week has been a bit of a test for me. For the first time in a while I started to have feelings for someone and want to invest in them. It turned on all of my character defects and has incredibly heightened my anxiety. I sobbed about this on my way to my dads for Fathers Day and then cried in his arms because it’s just not funny anymore that I’m “crazy”. It was a hard slap in the face to realize that I had a much larger part in the failure of my last relationship than I had even realized. At first I just thought it was because I wasn’t using my voice properly and asking for what I needed etc etc but then yesterday I realized that truthfully I’m manipulative and codependent. I am never satisfied and nothing is ever good enough. Which is truly just addictive behavior to it’s core. As a sober alcoholic I’m lucky enough to have the twelve steps in my life to guide me through this. I don’t know. I was listening to a speaker tape tonight while cleaning up and walking my dog and his whole focus was on letting go. What I got from it really was the idea of acting as if. So I have these sick old behavior thought patterns and what I think the right plan of action would be is to continue to ask God to remove them but also, act as if they aren’t there. So instead of me sending an impulsive second snapchat or text message I’m just going to give in to God. Give in to the anxiety and fear that it causes me. A lot of me has been fighting this, it’s caused a lot of self hate and self pity. Why me? Why am I like this? I want to be different. But the truth is that I’m where I am. And if it is God’s will for me to be with this person then there is literally nothing that I can or cannot do to fuck it up. Especially if I just keep letting it go over and over again. The only thing that I can do is throw myself even further into helping others and my program, and self acceptance and self love and turning my will over to God. I keep talking about it. I keep letting out my feelings and remembering that if it’s God’s will it will happen. And I forget a lot that truly, I have nothing to worry about or fear as long as I put my trust in God. That fear just comes from my ego and my control. Trust God and clean house and give up. That’s what I’ll continue to do and continue to ask for support in that with gentle reminders. Maybe create a mantra for myself. If it’s God’s will, nothing I do or don’t do can fuck it up. Or just that as long as I trust, I have nothing to worry about. That helps my anxiety a lot right now actually because I freak out about people not following through on plans in general because I just have treated other people as my higher power for so long. There’s more searching and uncovering to be done here and I’m ready and willing to do it. It’s all going to work out as it should. Good night. 


So I realized that I am not getting any better at this recovery bullshit. I still use just not so much. So I guess you can say I cut down.

Well I cut down on the drug use but picked up on the alcohol use. I drink more now. I quit drinking on my own back in 2010. I quit for a whole year, not a drop. After it was maybe a few times a year I would have a social drink with family or friends nothing crazy.

Now that I left my spouse and I am trying to do better I am drinking more. I am doing it again. I am numbing. It may not be with drugs but it is still a substance.

Starting today I will not drink. Starting today I will feel my emotions and deal head on with them.

I will overcome this. I will do better.

I am proud of myself for the little accomplishments.

I paid for my medical trip and hotel room. I bought myself clothes and make up. I paid all the gas. My mom basically just came for support. I can’t say the last time I have done that. Normally I am broke before I get paid.

So in a way I am doing good at this recovery. I just need to watch my old addictions don’t come back.

On another positive note…I am 3 months cigarette free 😊

Daily Photo

Sam Malone - City & Colour

Horrible depression engulfed me today as I waited for Cris. I’m not allowed at his grandmas so I had to wait at a gas station. I listened to Sam Malone, the song listed above and it made me teeter hard on the edge of tears the entire time

Then we ended up getting 80 vicodin 10s and traded then for 40 bucks and a g of sorts weak h

Long day I’m ready to sleep

6-16-2019    1:28pm

so my last day in Wisconsin i smoked a buncha meth. honestly i was totally hoping before i got on my plane that i could get high. my parents had been drug testing me all week, and i proved to them i could stay sober, but fuck it was sooo hard. all i saw was everywhere i sold drugs and did drugs and bought drugs. it was all a reminder of my old shitty lifestyle, which i secretly miss. i’m all alone now, no friends, in a city i dont know. in the next 2 months my boyfriend will be here so i am soooo excited! 

when i relapsed on the meth i truly fucking loved it. i hate to say that because its glorifying drugs but seriously, i felt amazing. i felt on top of the world, like everything was fine. but when i had to get on my plane i was so tweaked and i didn’t wanna board my flight. i wanted to stay in wisconsin and get high. but my family said theyd kick me out. but i wanna get high soooo bad. i craved it so bad when i was coming down, but i dont know anyone here and idk how to get shit.

i also got a new job making $15/hour! now that i dont do drugs i can spend my money on important things. i got preapproved for a car loan, a subaru impreza. its so beautiful. im gunna tune it up and make it all nice.

i’m kinda considering making a book of some sort. this tumblr has a lot of “diary” entries. i wouldn’t want people i know though to read my deep dark secrets. i share so much because nobody knows me. i can be myself without judgement. thank you for allowing me to be so honest.


I talked to my dad today. My dad and I were never very close. Growing up visits were few, and rarely positive. I am now thirty-six and what transpired between my dad and I is nothing short of a miracle. A relationship happened out of the ashes of that seemly lost father-daughter bond as I went through some of the darkest times of my life. My dad is not perfect, and while he should have been more active in my raising, I have a greater appreciation and understanding for who he is as a man and as my dad. My dad is genuine. He is flawed and imperfect, but he is mine. You never stop being a child’s mother or father regardless of time, participation, separation, mistakes or failures. I share all of this for the children of absence parents and parents who are estranged or separated from their children. As long as you have breath, you can bridge the gap, no matter time, space or separation, and reach your child. You will always be their mother or father, and they may be hurt or angry, they may not accept your effort, but in the core of who they are their is a mother or father shaped place in their heart that is only for you. I am grateful for my dad today. I am thankful to have been able to have a relationship with him and he will never understand the depth of my gratitude for his love, acceptance and attitude, in a season when I was at my most unloveable.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad! ❤️


Episode: The Marijuana Conspiracy
A planet of intoxicated people. Being intoxicated is the norm. Foreign substances in everyone’s bodies. Its ironic that just as people are getting infuriated at the government and the state of the world marijuana is made legal when it was originally made illegal in order to enrage us and prep us for war. It sounds like they control the population with marijuana distribution. Not that they weren’t making money off of its illegal entry to the country but now they can make money from its taxation.
Yet we beg for it and call ourselves woke.
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