I just wrote 500 words detailing my experience with addiction. I talked about my addict father, my experience with eating disorders, self harm, cigarettes and weed. I even talked about trying LSD and ketamine, and how I’ve never truly felt disappointment before taking a pill at 1am and not feeling anything. But then it all got deleted so fuck that.
Instead I’ll talk about how addiction is the only thing I’ve ever known. My father, my mother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, and more recently, my brother. Cigarettes, weed, pills, meth, heroine.
Addiction is the only thing I think I’ve ever loved so much even though I know I shouldn’t. Addiction is the only thing that has consistently been there for me. Addiction has replaced my mothers embrace, and the validation of strangers. Addicted is the only thing I’ve truly been. The only thing I’ve truly felt. And that disgusts me, but fuck, it feels so good.