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If it falls to you to have to bear great misfortunes, sorrows, and sicknesses, do not grow faint-hearted or despondent do not murmur; do not desire death for yourself and do not speak audaciously before the all-seeing Godβ€”as, for instance : β€œO, what a cruel affliction!” β€œO, what an unbearable misfortune; let me rather die!” or β€œI would rather kill myself!” God save you from such faint-heartedness, murmuring, and audacity! But endure all this courageously, as having been sent to you from God for your sins.
—  Righteous John
Being Content with What and Who I Am

Intro

In the past few days I have been having issues and difficulties opening up about myself to my family or to anyone really. My parents setting rules for disciplinary purposes, my siblings reminding me to do the right thing, my friends asking me if what I’m doing makes me happy or even just asking if I’m okay and me feeling that… I’m not.

Yes, I am happy. But it isn’t just that. So, no I am not happy. If anything, I am confused and lost and in denial. I’m confused because I dont know what I exactly want to do in this life and who to trust. Because I feel confused, I feel lost. I dont know who and where I belong. Yes I have a family and I know I have friends and relatives. I know I belong to myself and that truly matters. Dont get me wrong here. You dont have to entirely devote yourself to other people, but if you do it does make it worth while.

Gratitude 

You see I live in a family where in my dad’s and mom’s, our family is the wealthiest. I’m not saying millionaire, 4 cars, 3 storied-houses, CEO of a company rich. Our wealth is being able to be assured that my sisters and I have enough food that when we are hungry we cant just grab chips or go out and eat, when we feel like going out we can simply hop in our car and drive to Galleria mall or Othaim Mall, that when my parents think about their children going to college then dont need to worry as much because they have sustainable jobs and salaries. But you see.. a simple life like ours, that is wealthy for my family in the Philippines.

Acceptance

And yeah, I understand my roots and my surroundings in different settings. From that, I was able to see the world in a way that I usually don’t because it was always an aspect of life that I don’t like facing - money, living standards, salaries, etc. I felt like a weight has been lifted from me, once i was able to understand the situation and what I can and can’t control. Can’t control, like where I was born, my past, and other peoples’ opinions and thoughts. Things I can control, my future, my decisions, and how I treat others. There is no use to being insecure of your way of living, the salary you have, your traditions and culture, the shape of your body, the colour of your skin, or how you think differently from other people. 

Trust me, life is much more enjoyable when you understand, are grateful, and accept the big and little things in life.

I’ll say it short: The spiritual answer to everything is acceptance. This is who I am, this is where I am, this is what I can change and this is what I can’t. And this is okay.

❤️

The biggest spiritual lessons EVER ⬇️

🧡

Things don’t always happen for a reason. Don’t dismiss everything as “meant to be,” you have the power to change where you are and how you act.

💛

As long as we have an earthly body, we are going to have earthly illnesses. This is fine - it’s just part of life. It’s not karmic punishment, it’s being human. It sucks, but it’s okay. Breathe through it, live in the moment.

💚

The purpose in your life isn’t always going to be to cure cancer, save all the sea turtles, or liberate oppressed people. Progress would be impossible if everyone had the same exact job. Do what you can and what you feel is good, and you will end up where you need to be.

💙

No person but you can solve your problems. No healer or witch will solve your relationship or work problems for you. When you place responsibility outside of yourself and in other people, you are inviting their problems and inconveniences directly into your life. Instead of having just your problems, theirs also become yours and get in the way of solving what was originally yours. Ask for help when needed, but seek the solution in YOURSELF. Rely on yourself, trust yourself. You can do it. It’s okay to be afraid while you’re doing it, just do it.

💜

Okay, so lately that one girl (with whom I’m friends now) confessed to me that she had a crush on me. In the middle of her statement she started crying and apologizing for falling for me. It was so heartbreaking to see that. No honestly, I’ve never seen anyone apologising for love, for being themselves.

Therefore, I’ve decided to tell y'all something important:

Never, ever apologize for who you are.

You can be gay, straight, ace, pan, a boy, a girl, non-binary, trans, cis, black, white, Asian, Muslim, Pagan, Christian, an atheist, whatever! But never apologize for that.

Well, unless you’re harming others with who you are. Then it would be great if you’d apologize for that as much as you can.

You can, and in fact should come to me on your knees, whimpering and sobbing, asking for forgiveness.

So… That’s all from me now, love and support, see ya!

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Oh! And remember to drink water, it’s really important to stay hydrated this summer!

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Just get crackin.

Dreams of Ill-Fitted Expectations

Y’all…It has legit been 10 years since I graduated high-school. 10 DAMN YEARS! I was reminded of this a couple weeks ago  when that group text came through saying: “Hey, Everyone! It’s our 10 year HS anniversary this year. I thought it would be great if we got together to celebrate…” 

Originally posted by giffinggif

The funny thing is that I started writing this post months ago before that text even came though. It was finished, yet of course I sat on it for no good reason. I also find it funny that it quite effectively touches on my high school experience and how it has significantly affected my relationship with what I would consider my greatest adversaries: perfectionism, regret, and expectation. Let’s get to it…

Let me begin by telling  you about my high school experience. Or at least the aspects of it that will help this  post make sense. If I’m to be totally honest…for the most part, I WANTED OUT! Just give me my degree and let me be free! Now don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that my parents did all they could to make sure my siblings and I got the best education they could afford. But it was a Christian school, and Christian schools have the potential to do a number on you. The school featured capitalistic conservatism, radical evangelicalism and “covert” bigotry (among other things) clothed in Jesus’ fabulously righteous garments. This is never good for a black and/or closeted queer youth. (I could go on, but I won’t…nor do I think I need to) In my experience, I can say that it may have ingrained certain expectations and an obsession with unattainable perfection. This became a cocktail of people-pleasing and self-hatred. 

All of this is coming from the valedictorian or the class of 2009! (I’m still caught up on 10 years…And my have things changed within them…) I was the student who received countless academic and  “Christ Like Behavior” certificates as well as the peer who got cheated off of the most (If I even allowed it, which was rare).  I was a saint, doted on for my dedication to academics and God. I think y’all get the picture. In my head, perfection was expected of me, and I was to deliver. I was to “become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some.” (1 Corinthians 9:22) Exhausting!! (or the way I internalized it then definitely was.) Chiiille, unlearning some of this mess is grueling work , but I think I’m doing a good job at it. 

If you do not have enough background, DM me. We can discuss. But we’re gonna fast-forward to today…

Click here and you will get a pretty accurate glimpse at my today as it relates to this post…

My high school experience is front and center in one of the most vivid dreams I’ve ever had, a dream that I continue to recall when I need  to get my life all the way together in my journey away from perfection and unsustainable expectations. 

In this dream, I find myself back in high school, and I am playing the part.  Respectful. Quiet. Smart. Liked, but not necessarily part of a clique. Awkward AF (and some things never change). I am seated with the student body and faculty in the main auditorium. Weekly chapel service is about to commence, but I have to go to the bathroom. I get up to tell my teacher, the physical embodiment of all the pressure I felt to meet every unsustainable expectation of my life who we are gonna called Ms. Beulah Harrison. This was a huge reason as to why I could not stand her, among a few other reasons. She was the worst, but she was human…even if she did not want us to know it.

“Young man you’ve got 5 mins,” she admonishes Beulah-ly (yes I turned her name into an adverb. Her personality was so big, her name could be any part of speech). To which I respond, “Girl, all I gotta do is pee. I’ll be back in 4! Bloop!” Back then I would have never said something like that to anyone, especially not Beulah! However, in this dream world, I did and my girl LAUGHED! 

Originally posted by danks-gif

Somewhere between amusement and utter confusion, I proceed, and find clothes strewn all throughout the bathroom. I also find two washers and two dryers (which were definitely not there in real life).I take care of business despite my confusion, and as I wash my hands I notice that my ass is standing there in some boxers and a t-shirt. My uniform must be somewhere in this mess! I manage to throw on what I believe to be the right clothes, turn to look in the mirror, and see that what I’m  wearing is definitely not my uniform. I am wearing hot pink jeans, and a slightly faded navy, black and hot pink button down that is both tiger-striped and floral patterned.

Originally posted by usedpimpa

I am now frantically looking everywhere for my uniform. I can’t go back to chapel in this! I begin putting random garments in my backpack (which was actually my current one) that I think are mine, knowing damn well most of these items would not pass dress code. I look back at my bag which has become a much larger drawstring laundry bag. I look though the bag, but to no avail. Not knowing if what is in the bag is clean or dirty, I eye the washers and dryers. “Maybe if I wash all of this I’ll be able to find the uniform and get back to chapel.”  At that moment I say to myself (out loud…in the dream…calm as ever…), “Brandon, stop it. You know what this is about. Wake up.”

I don’t know if I would have ever found the uniform in my dream. I also don’t know if all of that took place in the 5 minutes Beulah gave me or in the 4 minutes I told her it would take me, but all of the above are somehow beside the point and the point exactly.

I’ve spent years trying to fit into “clothes”(expectations) that no longer fit or suit me. I’ve gone through a lot to try to do so as well. Sometimes I’ve sacrificed my peace of mind and happiness to remain in them, but the same way you outgrow clothing, you definitely outgrow expectations. These expectations weren’t just those that others had for me; they were my own as well. And of course, my own became a lot more stringent than those of others. Compounded expectations became burdens, and burdens can turn into familiar yet dismal comfort.

Upon waking up from this dream, I made a commitment to confront the ill-fitted expectations and perfectionism that have hindered me for years. Lawd knows It is not an easy task, but dedicating myself to this confrontation and detachment has made it easier to forgive myself for my imperfections, embrace excellence and move forward. With that in mind, I’m excited to try on some new clothes.

I blurred names and such just in case.

Let me spell something out for people who say that lgbtq+ are just making up a bunch of new things.

Those things EXISTED BEFORE THEY WERE NAMED.

Say the sun. It wasn’t always called that, in fact there wasn’t always articulated speech. So, guess what asshats? ALL WORDS ARE MADE UP.

HORSE, HOUSE, CAR, DIRT, TRAIN, SKY, OCEAN, FISH, STARS, SUN.

All of these are made up. Humans gave words and names to things so that way we can identify things. “Oh, Identify, you say?”

That’s right, even things people identify as. Doesn’t make the thing or person being identified invalid. If someone wants to call cotton candy, candy floss, they are more than welcome to do so. Everything is different for everyone.

Languages give a different name to an object, person or place.

So, why can’t we have different definitions for things. Yes, you can try to approximate what someone means by drawing from your own knowledge of how those things work. But, you should not straight up tell someone that “oh, you mean this thing that already exists?”

Or

Simply keep saying it IS this one thing that already exists, even though they have explained how it isn’t.

DON’T BE A JERK JUST BECAUSE OF SOMETHING YOU CAN’T COMPREHEND. OPEN YOUR MIND TO POSSIBILITIES OF NEW THINGS, AND ALSO….as a nice little ending.

QUEERPLATONIC EXISTS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, ACCEPT IT OR NOT. ACCEPT THE THINGS YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND RATHER THAN FORCE HATE ONTO THEM.

Hate does nothing but hurt everyone involved.

Byyyeeeeee-

Love you all

Heyy everyone, I don’t know why but just wanna let you know I love you all and you’re all beautiful people

And I think you all should love each other regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, race/ethnic background or body type.

Bullying isn’t cool and tbh kinda lame it’s 2019 guys. (Not that it was okay back in the day)

Anyway that is all Love you guys so much bye 😁😁

July 16,2019

I figure it’s time for a new blog post, since all I’ve been posting are shorties lately.

It’s 7:26, ‘The Pacific’ is playing for what has to be the millionth time, I’m drinking wine, and forcing myself to write this journal entry. I say I’m forcing myself because writing short stories, is a lot easier than dealing with what’s going on in my head. Ever since she had to say goodbye, it’s been hard as hell to write one of these. To be honest with myself.

I like to lie to myself and tell myself I’m dealing with everything just fine. In reality, that’s total horseshit. I just don’t deal with it and I try not to do anything that reminds me of when she was still here. I’ve basically stopped working on my new book for now, cause it’s too hard write what comes next. I don’t sleep in my room anymore because it’s around the corner from her room. I barely go in her room anymore because everything is almost the exact same way she left it. I can’t look at a picture of her without crying and I’ll randomly start crying at work.

So no, I’m not dealing with it which is just making it worse for myself. I just don’t want to. I know what’s happened and I’ve acknowledged it, but I don’t want to go through the motions of it all. I just can’t accept  it. I keep telling myself that by acknowledging it, I’ve accepted it. I know it’s not true though and I don’t think I’ll accept it for some time. I guess that’s what this post is for. Me trying to take a step in that direction. As the days go on, time will tell and maybe I’ll get better at it. For now, drinking wine and watching ‘The Pacific’, seem like a really good way to spend my time.