what I felt for you, left with you
what I felt for you, left with you
He’s always anxious of what you might think of him
The boy knows he never meets your expectations
So he hides instead, under your tone of voice
Despite fear of judgment and resentment, he comes back again -
just in time for your grandiose recital.
Pale, he stares and listens with modest dreams kept inside him
Never making a connection with your intermittent existence
© 2002 Franck de las Mercedes
A chair, a house, no person
I don’t believe in New Year’s shit. Time is a construct, and an arbitrary one at that. This first post on a tumblr I just created isn’t appearing on the first day of a new calendar year for any other reason than I recently quit therapy, and while I’ve been blogging for a long time, I’ve kept that one private, so I have a place to unleash my fury with words. Most of the people that I “know” don’t really know me - mostly because no one has really bothered to, and it seems like a lot of people don’t want to really know anyone - and at this point I don’t really need them to. I don’t think it would matter if I shared on my own Instagram or Facebook or anywhere else that anyone I “know” could see what is really going on with me. I think they would continue to awkwardly look away and not do or even say anything, and I’m not super comfortable baring my soul to people who probably already think I am weird and crazy.
I have not traditionally been a happy person or led a happy life. Like most people, I’ve had good times and bad, and the bad have just outweighed the good. But 11 years ago, I met the man who would be my second husband, and while not all of our times have been good, for the first time in my life, the good was outweighing the bad.
Just short of a year ago, he left me. Technically, I think the term is “Abandoned”. We’d had issues that I thought we were working on - he’d left before, but came back after a couple of months - and I felt like things were better. At least until I accidentally saw the phone messages one night about a month before he left.
Still, he didn’t say anything like “I am unhappy about ______, and _______ needs to change or I will leave.” He was apologetic and remorseful, and for some reason I thought everything would be okay. I still thought we’d work everything out somehow. I was upset, but forgiving.
Then one day, after he brought me home from the emergency room (I’d been having abdominal pains and seen the doctor and the medication I’d been given wasn’t helping so I was instructed to go to the ER) he simply announced that he was leaving. For some reason, I really just thought it would be for the weekend, like he initially indicated, and although I was upset, I pulled myself up and did a bunch of things around the house while he was gone, cleaning and organizing, so it would be nice when he returned.
When he returned, it was merely to get more of his stuff. And then he was just gone.
I have and have had, a lot of thoughts about this situation over the past 11 months and one week. While I was not a perfect wife, and I take full responsibility for things that I could have and should have done differently, even he does not hold me responsible. We share the burden of the mistakes we’ve made.
And while my husband stated that he was unhappy, I don’t believe that his unhappiness had anything to do with me. Nor do I think he is any happier today than he was the day he left. He puts on a good show, but I see that it is a performance. He’s doing a great job of showing his friends and family what a cool dude he is. But these are the same people who, if I wrote these words anywhere they could read them, would just awkwardly look away and feel embarrassed. For me, for him, for themselves.
I thought by now I would have feel better
But I have not considered the deep river that is crawling under my bones
I have not seen the pointy little rocks hiding under my skin
I neglected the roses that were painfully growing out of my stomach
I thought that everything was fine
I thought my bruises were perfectly healing
I pretended not to see all the pain digging inside of me
But you saw it
And you left me
Because of this
Wondering why people keep abandoning me. It’s like I mean nothing. Like I’m worthless to them. What makes leaving me so easy? I’ve been abandoned by family and lovers and no one ever had the decency to explain to me why. Am I that worthless?
I am thinking a lot of things that I don’t want to say to you. Bottom line is, you left. And not just this once, you left over and over again from before the summer. You have broken me down completely, and I am not implying that it was intentional, but you’re responsible for your actions outside of your intentions too, you know? I didn’t say it at the time, but I have said a lot of things to you that I’ve said out loud for the first time ever, things that were really difficult for me to admit, things that haunt me. I really liked you, though now that I look back on it, I don’t know why. Why do you want to be anything with me in the first place? I am toxic. You left me for a reason, right? You started ghosting me, and you know how I feel about ghosting. Our relationship was the most exhausting thing I’ve done in the past year. I will never let my guard down like that for you, and hopefully for no one, ever. I will never trust anyone like that again, because I am prone to abandonment. I’m still untangling knots in my stomach and untwisting my guts from all the damage that you left. I am never letting you back in, and I don’t have the energy to accommodate you in my life. Was it really that selfish of me to want to express my emotions that I had been holding back for months? You couldn’t have said one kind word to me, shown me a hint of compassion? Held me when I cried like a fucking idiot in front of you? I remember how cold your eyes were when you looked at my crying face expressionlessly and told me that you don’t know what I expect you to do. And you know how that night ended, right? With me apologizing to you, just like always. You owe me so many apologies, none of which you have ever made. I am scared to let people in now. I don’t trust anyone. Thank you for reminding me that I actually don’t deserve any love and that I should not trust anyone because if I ever show who I am to people, they will leave me. You told me that prolonged exposure to you will kill any feelings that I have for you, but it worked out the other way, didn’t it? Since you’re ghosting me yet again (surprise!) I can only assume your hatred for me. I always knew that I am not love worthy material, but did you really have to come around and prove it to me? I thought I meant something to you. I didn’t realize that I am this easily dispensable to you. I see you talking to all of the other people in your life, and I see you ghosting the fuck out of me. Do you want me to apologize for being at such a bad place at that time? Or for requiring reassurance? I am just 20 too; I was and am scared of a thousand things I don’t tell you, okay? Just because I talk to more people than you and seem confident to you does not mean that socializing comes easy to me. It does not mean that I don’t need support and love. And it does not make you abandoning me completely during my darkest hours okay. I was ready to stay by your side throughout what you’re going through. You contradicted yourself a billion times and switched back and forth from loving me to not. I am not like you. I can’t just switch my feelings off. I wonder if I am fated to become as apathetic as you one day.
I will never make the mistake of trusting you again.
I never asked you to love my depression, I just wanted you to love me despite it
It has been a while since I’ve talked or had any sort of conversation with a human. This only had just stricken me a couple weeks ago when I was out with family in a restaurant and were very much bothered by the laughter and loud talks of peope there. None of them seemed to be with “family” as in mom dad siblings; none of them seemed to have tightened throats with burdens shoved down inside; none of them seemed they would ever understand isolation. At some point I could feel heat coming from my members, fury, sadness, I don’t know. But it wasn’t warm. Only then I started realizing what I am into, what I have ended up being.
Ever since moving to this misery I have been trying to breath. It’s not easy when you despise your self and ridicule her for existing because she just can’t blend. After I was done doing that and finaly got to sniff a little I still feel suffocated.
I don’t know what it is, but no one really talks about long distance friendships. It’s a curse I guess. It could probably be worse than long distance love relationships .. I’ll never really know. But so far, this has got to be the worst.
Slowly our friendship has disintegrated into nothingness, with me trying to pull her back to tell me anything sensible. Drifting away into her own world is partially ok, I am happy she could have this easy choice of who she wants to tell her stories at the end of the day. But this weird feeling, jealousy, not sure, it just slured nside me everytime we talked. We hadn’t conversed in a long time, and then it would be me telling her my day , and then it would be me silenced for a while just to see if that mattered.
It hurts. I feel betrayed deep down, not sure how to describe this but it is heavy and I feel even bigger than I am. I also feel regretful, for depending on a human outside myself to break into, to spill out my soul when I can’t find anyone else.
It irritates me even more knowing that she doesn’t seem to believe that I have no other friends, that I practically live alone, that when I told her I am sick I was really sick, not just pretending to be or saying something to fill in the gaps she made.
Holy shit what the fuck okay so i never, never ever ever, trust people? Completely? Like ever? Like they could be a literal angel and I’d just be like “yea but ur just doing that so it hurts more when you ruin my life”
BUT something really weird happened and I have to put it somewhere bc likr??? I think I made a breakthrough???????
I dont know this is the first time Ive been excited on my own without anyone around ever so it’s super weird and I dont wanna forget and oh my god.
Okay so I'br been terrified im losing my best friend like ibe been crying two days straight now with little hour long breaks in between to like, function i guess? And i feel awful and reall y shitty bc i keep trying to get a hold of them and they did ignore me b u t like their mom hates me so maybr that’s why they did or at least that’s what I think bc guess what!!!!!! I stopped and was like, why tf am i crying, and ,, im guilty for bothering them? Instead of scared they’ll leave?
like im still crying but like, not hard since im always crying p.much. Which is like huge and really special because now I have someone in my life ans i dont think theyre mad at me or at least i hope not but theyre not gonna leave if theyre mad which is good and idk this is really good i think because it means i can have people in my life! And get attached!!!! And not abandon them bc it’s too stressful to worry about them leavjng all the time!!!
He’s so good my best friend is so good he’s literallt helped me more than anyone else ever in my life but like ive only been being helepd for a year but it’s still really good and oh my god im happy to know him im so in love with him he’s really kind and patient and understanding and he doesnt get mad normally and i feel very safe with him and everything about him is good ans i just,, love him.
Hes not like the other men in my life he is so safe ans good and he wants to keep me safe and im gonna keep him safe too ans be good to him and hes just a really really good person probably like the only one.
Ive never ever haad a stable relationship and im just rambling b c I need to get this off my chest and im not gonna tell my friends im emotionally detached from them bc thats sos o mean
but if you read through all this thank you irs really nice that youre curious or like interested in my life and i hope youre having a good day and making progress in your life!!!!!! things can get kind of better!
Rusty and blunt, right away to shunt.
There came a blow as suddenly as a doe.
Softly it hit cunningly just at the weak bit
How poorly was it done, making an excuse to run.
Already was restless and hurting kept the spirits up by blurting.
Famished at the sight of feast, hungry and haunted came the bloody beast.
Demonstrating tricks to lie, only further to deny.
Complacent with the hunt, ran away again to be the runt.
The prey fell lifeless lonely upon the ground, shouldn’t have ran towards that captivating sound.
Shock and fear has made it numb, couldn’t stand up felt like a crumb.
“It’s okay now” it assured the air, when you don’t have fangs to bite back life certainly feels unfair.
“Though blessed I am” thought the prey “to have the magic of healing within my tears, blood and dismay.”
Now since the house is empty and gone, the space is plenty and lone.
It wondered what if it was only a dream or rather t'was a nightmare which provokes you to wake and scream.
The prey shed a few tears again, no it wasn’t out of sadness it poured out to keep healing and in the hope of rain.
Waffle was the beast so was the house, somewhere else must be singing the song of blues who knows yet another prey it might arouse.
u know that gut-wrenching knot of anxiety from feeling like ur being replaced? yea
My friends will read my texts and not respond and it makes me feel so unloved. This is always how it goes. They stop texting because they have stopped caring about me.