A chair, a house, no person
Why does everyone I know eventually leave me?
A chair, a house, no person
Wondering why people keep abandoning me. It’s like I mean nothing. Like I’m worthless to them. What makes leaving me so easy? I’ve been abandoned by family and lovers and no one ever had the decency to explain to me why. Am I that worthless?
It has been a while since I’ve talked or had any sort of conversation with a human. This only had just stricken me a couple weeks ago when I was out with family in a restaurant and were very much bothered by the laughter and loud talks of peope there. None of them seemed to be with “family” as in mom dad siblings; none of them seemed to have tightened throats with burdens shoved down inside; none of them seemed they would ever understand isolation. At some point I could feel heat coming from my members, fury, sadness, I don’t know. But it wasn’t warm. Only then I started realizing what I am into, what I have ended up being.
Ever since moving to this misery I have been trying to breath. It’s not easy when you despise your self and ridicule her for existing because she just can’t blend. After I was done doing that and finaly got to sniff a little I still feel suffocated.
I don’t know what it is, but no one really talks about long distance friendships. It’s a curse I guess. It could probably be worse than long distance love relationships .. I’ll never really know. But so far, this has got to be the worst.
Slowly our friendship has disintegrated into nothingness, with me trying to pull her back to tell me anything sensible. Drifting away into her own world is partially ok, I am happy she could have this easy choice of who she wants to tell her stories at the end of the day. But this weird feeling, jealousy, not sure, it just slured nside me everytime we talked. We hadn’t conversed in a long time, and then it would be me telling her my day , and then it would be me silenced for a while just to see if that mattered.
It hurts. I feel betrayed deep down, not sure how to describe this but it is heavy and I feel even bigger than I am. I also feel regretful, for depending on a human outside myself to break into, to spill out my soul when I can’t find anyone else.
It irritates me even more knowing that she doesn’t seem to believe that I have no other friends, that I practically live alone, that when I told her I am sick I was really sick, not just pretending to be or saying something to fill in the gaps she made.
Holy shit what the fuck okay so i never, never ever ever, trust people? Completely? Like ever? Like they could be a literal angel and I’d just be like “yea but ur just doing that so it hurts more when you ruin my life”
BUT something really weird happened and I have to put it somewhere bc likr??? I think I made a breakthrough???????
I dont know this is the first time Ive been excited on my own without anyone around ever so it’s super weird and I dont wanna forget and oh my god.
Okay so I'br been terrified im losing my best friend like ibe been crying two days straight now with little hour long breaks in between to like, function i guess? And i feel awful and reall y shitty bc i keep trying to get a hold of them and they did ignore me b u t like their mom hates me so maybr that’s why they did or at least that’s what I think bc guess what!!!!!! I stopped and was like, why tf am i crying, and ,, im guilty for bothering them? Instead of scared they’ll leave?
like im still crying but like, not hard since im always crying p.much. Which is like huge and really special because now I have someone in my life ans i dont think theyre mad at me or at least i hope not but theyre not gonna leave if theyre mad which is good and idk this is really good i think because it means i can have people in my life! And get attached!!!! And not abandon them bc it’s too stressful to worry about them leavjng all the time!!!
He’s so good my best friend is so good he’s literallt helped me more than anyone else ever in my life but like ive only been being helepd for a year but it’s still really good and oh my god im happy to know him im so in love with him he’s really kind and patient and understanding and he doesnt get mad normally and i feel very safe with him and everything about him is good ans i just,, love him.
Hes not like the other men in my life he is so safe ans good and he wants to keep me safe and im gonna keep him safe too ans be good to him and hes just a really really good person probably like the only one.
Ive never ever haad a stable relationship and im just rambling b c I need to get this off my chest and im not gonna tell my friends im emotionally detached from them bc thats sos o mean
but if you read through all this thank you irs really nice that youre curious or like interested in my life and i hope youre having a good day and making progress in your life!!!!!! things can get kind of better!
Rusty and blunt, right away to shunt.
There came a blow as suddenly as a doe.
Softly it hit cunningly just at the weak bit
How poorly was it done, making an excuse to run.
Already was restless and hurting kept the spirits up by blurting.
Famished at the sight of feast, hungry and haunted came the bloody beast.
Demonstrating tricks to lie, only further to deny.
Complacent with the hunt, ran away again to be the runt.
The prey fell lifeless lonely upon the ground, shouldn’t have ran towards that captivating sound.
Shock and fear has made it numb, couldn’t stand up felt like a crumb.
“It’s okay now” it assured the air, when you don’t have fangs to bite back life certainly feels unfair.
“Though blessed I am” thought the prey “to have the magic of healing within my tears, blood and dismay.”
Now since the house is empty and gone, the space is plenty and lone.
It wondered what if it was only a dream or rather t'was a nightmare which provokes you to wake and scream.
The prey shed a few tears again, no it wasn’t out of sadness it poured out to keep healing and in the hope of rain.
Waffle was the beast so was the house, somewhere else must be singing the song of blues who knows yet another prey it might arouse.
Est-ce que tu t'en soucies même?
Tu avoir abandonné moi.
The bad thing about being jaded to abandonment and people moving is that when someone important to me has to leave or go away I can’t even properly emote that I’m upset by the fact. Case in point, my boyfriend is leaving for 2 months for work and we got in a fight because he thought I wasn’t “upset enough” like. I couldn’t be upset if I wanted to be. Someone leaving doesnt make me upset anymore. People leave and sometimes they come back. I’m hoping he comes back.
Why does everyone I know eventually leave me?
This is the way of it. This is how life plays out; people come and people go. And ultimately, they are simply actors on our stage. But it still hurts and it still cuts deep when someone we love very much leaves us. Dealing with that can be hard and can be difficult, but it starts with allowing ourself to feel partial or incomplete when these people leave. It starts with allowing what is in our hearts to be there. They have left, it hurts. This is the experience you’re having; allow yourself to have that experience. Let those things in a bit and let them break you down. Whatever you feel is simply ok, it is ok to be how you are and to feel how you feel. You are supported in all of these changes. Something leaving you always gives space for something new to come in and usually the first thing that walks into that space is hurt and pain. Let those in and allow them to take up space in you. They are there to be healed and to be loved and let go of. This is how things will shift and things will start to move toward a new direction in your life. Things leave, but you are still here and you are still whole and complete. You are inherently whole and complete, which means you do t have to do anything or be anything g to be complete: you simply are and have always been. You are just as deserving of love, even if people don’t show you that. If people leave it is because of their own hurt or their own feelings of unworthiness and those feelings get passed to you. But to move beyond all of this, you have to simply allow them to shift and change in you. Write how you feel, grieve, feel, breathe and try to sense that underneath all of these changes, all of these things that come and go; is just this, this space for all to take place in. Sensing that space and sensing your own aliveness and the very undeniable fact that you are here and always will be here, regardless of who or what comes or goes, will bring you to a place of calmness in this storm and to a place of rootedness in all of this. So try to sense this, try to get a sense or a realization of what doesn’t leave you and what is here for you, within your heart and within your expert of reality. Life can be complex, feel the simple. Feel your aliveness and your own rootedness and just the simple space for all of this to take place in. That is you; admits all that comes and goes: that is you. Try to sense that and feel that.
I hope this helps,
My friends will read my texts and not respond and it makes me feel so unloved. This is always how it goes. They stop texting because they have stopped caring about me.
that falling in love with your fp is tragic sometimes but goddamn when they are in love with you back..
I feel like a child
He understands my insecurities and the fear he will leave me so he tells me he loves me five times a day which is extremely validating
And for moments at a time, I get a weird happy feeling that my suicide attempts didn’t work
concept: i can acknowledge that i have done something wrong when people push me away
A question you ask yourself every time someone offers you their help.
You’re grateful, but you don’t see it last;
You’re just wondering:
How long before they’re sick and tired of you?
Until they walk away?
And so you don’t open up completely,
Because if you do,
If you show them what a whiner you are,
That moment only comes sooner.
But then, by accident, you reveal too much;
You reveal more than intended.
And you fear:
This is it…
Now they’re going to leave me alone again.
But then they step closer,
Hold you tight,
And promise you you’re going to be all right.
And the timer resets,
Because no matter how often they stay, you cannot shake the fear.
The fear induced by that one question: